Men and Women Are SOOO Different!

I finally made coffee shop time to listen to the last two “Guy Talk” podcasts on Sex Chat for Christian Wives (our Internet connection at home makes streaming somewhere between frustrating and impossible).

I listened to what the five guys (myself included) had to say, then I listened to the four ladies comment on what we said. Several times I heard things that fell along gender lines. Men felt one way, women the other. Men said something I understood, the women had never thought of it that way or had a hard time accepting it. Some things I see as basic information were revelations for the ladies. And a couple of times, the women were surprised and relieved at what the men said. 

I have no doubt the same kinds of things would happen if men dissected a recording of women talking about marriage and sex.

Men and Women Are SOOO Different!

The mantra of the world is that men and women are really very, very similar, and most of our differences are put on us by culture. What I heard today was a long way from similar. And regardless of why men and women are different, the fact is we are. Certain things most men take as truth are doubted or disputed by most women, and vice-versa. Certain feels are common for one sex and rare or nonexistent for the other. Some desires and fears are felt by the majority of one sex and a minority of the other sex. 

The bottom line here is your husband is not like you, you’re not like him, and a good deal of the reason for this is because he’s male and you’re female. The reality is your bodies are more similar than your thoughts and feelings. Some of those differences are a result of wrong teaching by our culture, but most of them are issues of different, not wrong.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like those body differences! 

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22 Comments on “Men and Women Are SOOO Different!

  1. I am still very much woman, but I find I lean more towards man. Probably because I grew up with far more male relatives than female, and met hubby through a camping group that was far more male than female. There were times I was the only female in the group! As such, I find female company can be annoying. Our church has a men’s retreat and a women’s retreat coming up, and hubby wants me to go to the women’s retreat and I told him no. I would much rather go to the men’s retreat! I don’t want to eat dainty foods and listen to how beautiful God made me and cry about things. I want to hang out in the woods discussing deep theological topics and eat bacon and eggs in the morning!

    So, I don’t fit in with the girls, but I can’t fit in with the boys.

    • Libl, I’m similar to you. I’m a guy, but I grew up with mostly females. I have no brothers. My dad wasn’t a big influence in my life. I grew up sensitive and not macho.

      I don’t want to do knitting or scrapbooking, but I love Hallmark and Lifetime movies, and I’m not into fishing, hunting, or camping.

    • @Libl,

      You’re not alone! But I think the structure of our society can make it harder for us tomboys to find each other. Especially as adults. I find it difficult to connect with women at church. I don’t want to sit around making small talk. I don’t want to go to a cookie exchange or a crafting class, or mother’s day high tea. Let’s go play racquetball or do karate.

    • “I don’t want to eat dainty foods and listen to how beautiful God made me and cry about things.”

      Come to our men’s retreat and you can be told to “man up” and quit looking at porn. No self-esteem building here. Just good ole fashioned beta male self flagellation mixed with unhealthy doses of brats and sausage. We may cry a little, but mostly its because of how beautiful God tried to make us before we went and screwed it all up.

      • Mitch, I chuckled at this. Not out of meanness or disbelief, but because you are probably right and I just have a grass is greener perspective.

        I have been to churches where I wouldn’t have wanted to go to men’s ministry, either.

        I’m not so much a tomboy as an old soul. So much today is watered down and powdered and diapered. Or, it is a just do it without practical application, an apprenticeship, so to speak.

        We lack grit and bootstraps.

  2. Hear hear:, Libl! With the exception of the body thing, I’ve always fallen more along what’s considered the male lines of thinking, or interests, etc. I’ve always gotten along with my platonic male friends better than most female friends. It’s always the guy’s stuff at church that looks interesting, and the women’s stuff is horrifyingly girlie and boring and shallow. I tried one women’s conference, and went, no way, not doing this again! So, like you. I don’t fit in with the girls, can’t fit in with the guys. Which usually means seeking out other female friends like myself. we’re rare, but we’re out here.

  3. Thanks so much for participating in the conversation around a microphone, Paul. It was a privilege to listen to you all talking about your views on sexual intimacy and on your wives. Your comments and our follow-up fit into gender stereotypes. While I know that can be frustrating for some, I know it helped many women better understand–and believe–their husbands.

  4. I only had time to listen to the last podcast on sexuality and I actually went back and listened a second time because I just did not get the same feeling that the women were surprised or amazed or had any revelations at what the men said.

    “Men said something I understood, the women had never thought of it that way or had a hard time accepting it. Some things I see as basic information were revelations for the ladies. And a couple of times, the women were surprised and relieved at what the men said.”

    The only time I heard them question anything was about Paul mentioning sharing life with his wife, like him working on his car and she just sitting out there with him. At least a couple of the women felt like there was no way they could just sit there while their husband worked on his car and honestly, I feel the same. LOL My husband and I share a lot, but while he works on his truck, I work on my things and then we come together afterwards. One of the women even mentioned that this may not necessarily be a male/female thing as much as personality traits and another said it reminded her of the 5 love languages.

    I totally get husbands (and wives) wanting their spouse to ‘show up’ for sex instead of having the mindset it’s just something to check off their chore list. And one of the women agreed and said something along the lines of the typical teaching in the church for women making sure they give their husbands sex often is really wrong and plays into this concept of not really ‘showing up’ for sex or seeing it for themselves also not just their husbands.

    The only comment from one of the men I didn’t care for was along the lines of men have to climax at the end of sex but if their wife can’t for whatever reason he still wants her to tell him how much she enjoyed it too…paraphrasing quite a bit here. ;)
    As a woman, I want the full meal deal too, and why should I not? I get tired of the old adage that women don’t need an orgasm to fully enjoy sex, of course we do! I get the fact there are physiological differences in men and women, and yes there are women who say they don’t care for orgasms or need them to enjoy sex, but as a woman not climaxing while my husband does often leaves me feeling sad and empty. So guess that’s one area where I differ from a man or a man’s way of thinking.
    Amy recently posted…Winning the battleMy Profile

    • @Amy “I get tired of the old adage that women don’t need an orgasm to fully enjoy sex, of course we do!”
      Thing is, you don’t speak for all women on this. Some women fake orgasm because it’s the only way to get him to stop. Why they don’t orgasm or don’t want to vary, but for those women, your comment is something they don’t want their husband to read!
      My guess is most of the “I don’t want/need and orgasm” is something other than what God intended. It’s because of relationship issues or being too tired/stressed/busy, or it has something to do with past abuse or bad teaching about sex. I think dealing with those issues would change things. But a man expecting a woman to have an orgasm when she doesn’t want to is not a good thing for anyone.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…What Are You Doing To Make It Happen?My Profile

      • I understand not all women want or can orgasm but more what I alluding to is how I see the underlying message of ‘women don’t need an orgasm to enjoy sex’ as undermining a woman’s ability to actually achieve and enjoy an orgasm like God made her body to do. Like the man said in the podcast, he just has to have one at the end of sex but if his wife doesn’t he still wants to know she enjoyed it as much as he did. Now I certainly don’t know his wife and obviously can only speak for myself, but it would not have been just as great if I’d gone without an orgasm during sex with my husband and sorry, but I still think it sounds selfish on the man’s part that he knows he’s going to have that ultimate pleasure at the end but still needs to hear his wife tell him how great it was for her, even if it maybe wasn’t. And I get what his message was, he just wants to feel she wanted to be there even if she didn’t get a release too.

        So let me clarify a little more about what I was getting at. As I’ve shared before, in my first marriage I received zero pleasure because my ex basically told me he didn’t care and would not do that for me, so I had to learn on my own how to orgasm since this was my first relationship.
        Then fast forward to six years ago when I married the most loving caring man who’s top priority was giving me pleasure in the marriage bed, something I’d never experienced before and honestly was having a very hard receiving, and also a difficult time climaxing. That first year of marriage was tough because it didn’t always happen for me but always did of course for my husband. One day I just broke down after sex and started bawling because honestly, it just wasn’t fair that he was only one being able to completely finish. And part of what was happening for him is he knew that message of “women don’t need an orgasm to fully enjoy sex’ and even repeated this mantra to me a few days prior to my meltdown, and I remember that whole day at work thinking on his words and how unfair it is that orgasm is so easy for a man and so hard for me as a woman. I’d even fallen into the trap of that mantra and wondered why it was that women didn’t need an orgasm to enjoy sex because I had discovered it was the ultimate end to a wonderful experience. And now here was my husband believing that sex was somehow still mind blowing for me too even though I came away unsatisfied at least half the time. So we had both fallen into the mindset that it was no big deal if I didn’t orgasm and I think I felt selfish asking for more because I came to believe that maybe I was supposed to enjoy sex without the big finish and make it just for him…which is a whole ‘nother message which I think undermines women seeking orgasm.

        So the night of my meltdown changed everything for us. I was honest about how difficult it was to be laying in his arms afterwards with him all content and satisfied, and me feeling like I missed the grand finale each time. From that time on we figured out how to make things work better for me to where orgasms weren’t elusive anymore and I got him to understand that no, I didn’t enjoy sex fully without one. Yet for a long time I found myself still feeling selfish for wanting one especially when it was taking what I thought was too long, but then I realized it’s not selfish to want to experience fully what God made my body to do just like it’s not selfish for my husband to want a release.

        So while I’m maybe still not making my thoughts any clearer than mud, essentially what I’m getting at is, women too have had the message ingrained in their thinking that sex is still satisfying without an orgasm and may feel guilty about being honest that they want that ultimate pleasure each time or feel that sex is more for the man.

        And as a side note: I believe frequency plays a huge part in a woman declining an orgasm. If sex is daily or every other day, she may find herself feeling satiated and not wanting to try for one every single time. This happened in my marriage one time when we had sex seven days in a row and in that time there was one day where I declined trying for an orgasm because honestly, I was well satiated and just too tired to try that morning, but I do remember feeling completely in bliss afterwards.
        So perhaps frequency plays a huge role in whether or not a woman chooses to have an orgasm each time.

        Anyway, there are my scrambled thoughts. LOL
        Amy recently posted…Winning the battleMy Profile

        • @Amy “I see the underlying message of ‘women don’t need an orgasm to enjoy sex’ as undermining a woman’s ability to actually achieve and enjoy an orgasm like God made her body to do.”
          I am 1000% with you on that. And you express the problems with the “don’t need an orgasm” message very well.
          I tell men their wife should have as many orgasms as she wants, and he should do whatever is necessary for that to happen. Anything less is cruel edging on abusive, IMHO.
          I also know this tends to change with age for women. Women who were okay with “sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t” in their 20’s often expect an orgasm every time by the age of 40. To some degree, this change is about changes in their bodies and sex drive, but I think it’s also about saying “I want it, I deserve it”.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Would You Want to Be Married to You?My Profile

          • “I also know this tends to change with age for women. Women who were okay with “sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t” in their 20’s often expect an orgasm every time by the age of 40. To some degree, this change is about changes in their bodies and sex drive, but I think it’s also about saying “I want it, I deserve it”.”

            Yes, I think that’s true, and also one of my thoughts when I read your comment is how it may go back to the whole frequency thing too. Typically in our 20’s there is more frequent sex then age sets in and things may slow down. So part of this could be too that as I stated, when there is a high frequency of sex women may feel more like, “sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t” whereas as things slow down when they are older (the husband maybe needs more time in between) she wants to take advantage of every single time.
            And I think it’s true also that we become more in-tune to our bodies as we grow older and realize what they are capable of, and we’re like, “I’ll have what she’s having!” kind of thinking! LOL
            Amy recently posted…Winning the battleMy Profile

    • For what it’s worth, I hear you and agree, Amy. But then, I don’t fit the norm of most Christian women, and that applies sexually, too, I guess. Maybe that’s two of us?

  5. One of the REALLY dumb (I’m trying very hard to be charitable here) things that I continue to come across in my quest to do marriage better is the idea that husbands and wives need to UNDERSTAND one another. Maybe they have a different definition for understanding, but I really don’t believe that this is possible. I think that they need to KNOW some things, but understanding is not going to happen. This would be humorous were it not so serious. They send people on a search for what doesn’t exist while causing great harm. When a wife tells her husband something, he needs to take her at her word, not understand her. The same should be said for a husband speaking to his wife. How can you make someone who doesn’t appreciate it understand WHY you like liver and onions. If each would simply believe WHAT is told them rather than trying to understand (just ACCEPT what they say), it would all work much better. Conclusion of rant.

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