You Haven’t Mentioned It Recently…

This one is certainly human nature, but I think it’s more common in the direction I describe. *

You tell him something is bothering you, and that you want/need/desire him to make changes. You mention it a few more times, then you stop bringing it up. He decides it must no longer be a big deal to you because you’ve stopped mentioning it. 

You Haven't Mentioned It Recently...

I think one big reason this is more likely to happen with you as the “victim” is that many women are eager to avoid being considered a nag. It must feel as if your choices are being called a nag or going without what you need. Not a great place to be.

Consider this, him calling you a nag doesn’t make you one. If he knows how that label makes you feel he might even use it to manipulate you. Beyond that, his thinking you’re a nag doesn’t make you one.

The definition of nag is “annoy or irritate (a person) with persistent fault-finding or continuous urging.” If you’re making your needs known, then you are not fault-finding. If you give him a reasonable amount of time to make changes before you mention it again you are not bringing it up continuously. If your husband says you’re nagging he’s using an alternative definition of nag that means “reminding me of something I should do but don’t want to do“.

If your husband is a total jerk, it probably doesn’t matter. However, if he’s good willed but overwhelmed and/or just a bit selfish, then making your needs known until they are met may make things better. If you keep bringing it up and nothing happens you could escalate by telling him you’ve been asking about this for [amount of time] and he’s done nothing about it. Ask him if he has any intention of dealing with it, because if he doesn’t you will stop bothering him about it.

~ Paul – I’m XY and my mom nagged me, but my wife doesn’t.

* The one exception to this is sex – a lot of men do this with sex.

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14 Comments on “You Haven’t Mentioned It Recently…

  1. I know a couple of these posts has you ghost writing “I’m looking at you, libl.” I read you loud and clear, Paul, and I have been doing some deep thinking and praying.

    Andrew is helping, too. I have become too emotional and helpless-feeling. Andrew’s logic and fact and no nonsense approach to take life by the horns has been setting aside the pouting and crossed arms and considering my arsenal and objectives, my mission, instead.

  2. So if i have needs and my husband refuses to meet them, and they’re legitimate needs, what do i do? We have a few home repairs that need to be done. Im talking safety issues. I’ve asked him every way under the sun but he refuses to deal with it. He even went so far as to say he’ll work extra so he can pay for “your home repairs” even though it’s OUR house. All he has to do is call the landlord. Our landlord Is not dealing With it either, even though we’ve both told him about it. I don’t know if Our landlord doesn’t get How bad it is, but i feel like my husband should deal With it.

    After talking to my husband about these things, i feel like I’m crazy. It makes my anxiety and depression spike. I have so much on my plate. It’s not just the home repairs. Its everything. If it makes my husband uncomfortable, he doesn’t do it.

    He also refuses to talk to me. At all. He said all i do is nag him and make him feel like crap. But i try to converse with him about fun stuff too. He just hates talking in general. I’ve even tried watching tv shows that he’s interested in and talking about them afterward. He refuses every time. And they’re not shows my friends are into, so i can really only talk to him.

    So what do i do? Do i just handle everything myself? Do i not try to engage him in conversation about any interests? Do i not try to keep him in the loop about the kids and their activities? Do i just stop talking to him at all? And if i do that, and i need conversation, where do i get conversation? And if i can’t talk to my husband and that’s the kind of human interaction i crave, won’t our marriage suffer?

    • @Molly – If something is a matter of safety, I’d say you need to deal with it if he won’t. Beyond that, you clearly have some significant problems in your marriage. If hubby won’t go with you to get help, go on your own.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Delight In Your WifeMy Profile

      • I saw 3 counselors a few years ago. I also have daddy issues (surprise surprise) and i saw a trained counselor at my church about it. I was 39 weeks pregnant at the time. After 2hours of crying, she asked me if maybe i was just upset about my dad because i was so close to giving birth and i was hormonal.

        I followed that up with 2other counselors who did nothing but waste my time and money.

        I think the real solution is just disengage and handle everything on my own, like the house and the kids. And leave my husband alone. He’s not mean to me, just totally unaware of anything i actually need.

        I’m thinking of branching out and getting some hobbies outside of the house. And developing some superficial friendships because honestly, i Chase everyone away. I think I’m just too much for people.

        But thank you for responding to my comment.

        • “I think the real solution is just disengage and handle everything on my own, like the house and the kids. And leave my husband alone.”

          Dear Molly, I have serious regrets about doing this. Please reconsider. If you do choose to go this route, please at least tell your husband beforehand that you don’t know what else to do and are considering this as an option. You will have given him every chance to understand the gravity of the situation and make a change.

          “He said all i do is nag him and *make him feel like crap* ” Maybe this is just an excuse on his part, and he just feels like crap because he feels guilty about what he should be doing. Or, sometimes the way in which we approach someone about our legitimate needs can make them feel bad, and actually gets in the way of accomplishing our goals. In either case, if you can read John Gottman’s books and implement his methods, it might help you learn to approach your husband in a way that won’t shut down the conversation. It could also help you with “i Chase everyone away. I think I’m just too much for people.”

          • I’ve read tons of marriage books, and John Gottman was the first that was actually helpful.

        • @Molly – I agree with T on this. PLEASE don’t make unilateral decisions without telling your husband what you are doing and why.
          I’m sure your husband is far from perfect, but it sounds like he is treating you the way you expect to be treated, the way you feel you deserve to be treated. It’s very difficult to treat someone better than they think they deserve!
          Paul Byerly recently posted…She’s Not Getting What She DeservesMy Profile

        • Hey guys! Thanks for the comments. I actually did tell my husband that i was at an end and had no idea what to do. I told him i had tried everything i knew how to get him to talk to me, but i was giving up. I would never divorce because we have kids and there are no biblical grounds for divorce. But i told him i wasn’t trying anymore and it was all on him.

          He has been making an effort this week. I have a lot of stuff going on. We have 4kids, i homeschool. He works a lot. I have fibromyalgia and debilitating pain all over, especially my feet.
          I also have no support from my dysfunctional family and i don’t feel drawn to my church. I have anxiety and depression issues. We both have a lot of issues.

          I feel like i just can’t anymore. I feel like I’m drowning. I explained all this to him, and while he doesn’t completely get it, he is trying.
          And his effort is with more than gold. I really don’t expect perfection, just effort. And He has been trying.

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