What His Sexual Design Says About Him

Years ago I wrote Clitoris & Orgasm – Happy Accident or Intended for Pleasure? for the men over on The Generous Husband. After commenting on the ongoing debate about why women orgasm, I said “As I already said, I see abundant evidence there is an intelligent and purposeful creator behind our bodies. Based on that, our body parts, and what they do, are never an accident; rather they are an indication of what God intended. So, what do the clitoris and female orgasm suggest God intended?

I then made some observations about female anatomy and function and followed that with some thoughts about what those things say about God’s intention for female sexuality. Below I’m going to do the same thing with male sexual anatomy and function.

What His Sexual Design Says About Him

First a few facts/observations about male sexual ability:

  • The penis gets erect regularly starting before birth, and touching or holding it when it’s erect feels good regardless of how old a boy/man is.
  • It’s common for men to wake with an erection, and the pressure of the bed or the sheets against it feels good. Morning erections are the result of waking from a dream. During REM sleep the penis becomes erect, regardless of what they dream is about. Dream erections are very full, and can be slow to subside – which is a real bummer if a man wakes with a full bladder!
  • The vast majority of boys self-discover masturbation to orgasm around puberty. This may be less true today as most boys hear about masturbation before puberty. But for all of history pubescent boys have figured out on their own how to make themselves climax.
  • During puberty, the penis responds to even minor sexual sights or thoughts by getting erect. This can be anything from a slight bulge he feels but no one sees to a full erection. As we grow into our new sexual urges we gain some control over this, making unwanted erections less common and less full when they happen.
  • Men’s sex drives are very high when they’re young. Given the chance, most teenage boys could have sex at least half a dozen times in a few hours. This insane level of desire starts to drop in a man’s 20’s, and continues a slow slide for the rest of his life. However, most men remain able to have sex daily well into retirement. 
  • Men’s minds are easily turned to sex by any little sight, word, or thought. This is especially true when the stimulus comes from the woman we love!
  • For men, foreplay is enjoyable (surveys find most men would like more of it) but not necessary. 
  • Most men can reach orgasm in thirty seconds or less, if they want. This is true for masturbation or intercourse.
  • When a man climaxes, his body releases chemicals that make him relaxed and sleepy.

From this, I conclude God intended:

  • God wants men to be very sexual. Even in a culture with far less blatant sexual imagery, men would be sexually aware and interested pretty much all the time.
  • God designed men to become sexual early in life. We are wired to be fully aware of our emerging sexuality and wired to figure out how to make our bodies feel good. And as good as doing it to ourself is, we want to do it with a woman. I think this is to draw men towards marriage at a time when we might otherwise be too busy with crazy adventures to bother. Sex is what God uses to make us look at women long enough to see all the other wonderful reasons we should find the right one and get married.
  • God intended newlywed men to turn up the sexual fires. Sex does a lot to bond a couple, and his strong sex drive is a blessing in many ways if neither of them has significant sexual baggage.
  • God wanted men to desire sex even when life is difficult. The sight of his wife half naked causes him to want sex even if he’s exhausted or feeling bad about something. This keeps the beneficial effects of sex going for a couple through good and bad.
  • The fact that men want foreplay they don’t need and try to make sex last far longer than they need for their pleasure tells me God gave us a deep desire to make sex good for our wives. If a man was working on nothing but his physical urges, sex would last less than five minutes from removing clothing to snoring. 
  • God didn’t want men to have sex and jump up and move on with life. He wanted us to stay with our partner so we could enjoy after glow.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like how God designed me!

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22 Comments on “What His Sexual Design Says About Him

      • Here’s a stab at it. Once I became convinced that the Ephesians 5 discussion of the mystery of marriage included the sexual aspects, I started thinking about those ramifications. A few conclusions:

        A husband has rights over his wife’s body, just as Christ has rights over me. Of course, His are perfect and complete, mine are just a reflection of that.

        Just as a wife has to open herself physically and become vulnerable to her husband, I have to open myself to be invaded, if you will, by Christ. As a man, this has helped me wrap my mind around the idea of being the bride of Christ, a very foreign concept for men.

        Even though I have rights over my wife’s body (and she over mine), out of love I don’t demand her surrender of herself, but I strive to win her openness by working on the entire relationship. Christ does not (usually) overpower us with His full glory and majesty, but seeks us and draws us to Himself. C. S. Lewis pointed out that in relating to us, God “cannot ravish; He can only woo.”

        And just as the greatest thrill I ever receive is my wife’s willing opening of herself, body, soul, and spirit, when we make love, I think that is a small reflection of the joy that Christ has when one soul surrenders to Him completely.

        Many more parallels and reflections can be found, but I think of the sxual union of a husband and wife rather like the enacting of a sacred drama, a mystery play. And my role as a reflection of Christ makes me take that responsibility with joyful fear and trembling. What a responsibility, and what a real joy it is.

  1. “God wanted men to desire sex even when life is difficult. The sight of his wife half naked causes him to want sex even if he’s exhausted or feeling bad about something. This keeps the beneficial effects of sex going for a couple through good and bad.”

    Wish this was true for my husband, he’s just not that in to it like I wish he were. Oh, he loves it when we do, but it’s never anything pressing for him like you make it out to be for men.
    Amy recently posted…Speaking loveMy Profile

    • I agree with Amy. I was also about to talk about this:
      “God wanted men to desire sex even when life is difficult. The sight of his wife half naked causes him to want sex even if he’s exhausted or feeling bad about something. This keeps the beneficial effects of sex going for a couple through good and bad.”

      This is not true for my husband either. I wish it were. I am backwards. I love sex when I’m stressed or upset, I find it comforting. He does not. It’s like conditions have to be perfect for him to desire sex.

      It also seems like I (the woman) have the spontaneous sex drive and he has the responsive sex drive. And it stinks! So I totally understand the spouses (usually husbands) who feel frustrated when their wives don’t seem to ever just be “in the mood”. It can make you feel undesireable.

      I also don’t think my husband gets excited at the sight of me naked, or half naked. For the first many years of our marriage he wouldn’t even look at me – just kinda peek and then look away – I think he found me too ugly or unsexy to look at. Now he will look, but I think just because I’m there. It doesn’t get him interested – ESPECIALLY – if he’s tired or stressed.

      We’re just not normal. I tried praying for the longest time for God to make me more feminine and take my sex drive away. So far the answer has been no. So I’m trying to learn to accept it and not let it make me feel like an ugly ogre, just because my husband isn’t as interested as I wish he were.

      • Hi B! It is so hard to not start feeling undesirable and unattractive when it seems we can’t turn our husbands on, huh? I’ve had a tough week, and weekend, because of this very thing. But I have to continue telling myself that I’m not abnormal because I desire sex with my husband and regardless of some of the comments here from men who are obviously very angry and frustrated from the pain of rejection from their wives, I believe God made both men and women with a sexual desire.
        Maybe some women for whatever reason choose not to embrace that side of themselves (and I can relate somewhat having lived for 20 years with an abusive man who cared nothing of my sexual satisfaction), but for us women who do crave sexual intimacy with our husbands, there is nothing wrong with us. We are actually quite normal. As to why our husbands don’t seem to fit the mold of how all men were made or should be, I think there are probably various factors, just like with the women whose husbands come here and complain their wives don’t want sex.

        Unfortunately, being exhausted and stressed do tend to make things harder sexually I think for men. As a woman, I’d love to be comforted sexually by my husband if I’m having a down day or feeling stressed, but him it’s the last thing he thinks of.

        Hang in there and allow God to show you your beauty and worth. :)
        Amy recently posted…Speaking loveMy Profile

        • @Amy – I think God gave women more of a sex drive than we generally believe. But it seems to be more easily derailed than is the norm for men. But of course there are exceptions for both sexes, and when both husband and wife skew from the norm the frustration is on the part of the wife rather than the husband.
          For most men, especially younger men, exhaustion doesn’t end sex drive (even when we’re so tired we wish it did) and for many men, sex is a way of dealing with stress. But there are exceptions.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Touch, Touch, and Much More TouchMy Profile

      • Such a disappointing weekend. Ya know, if I treated sex like my husband does he would be complaining right along with all of his buddies whose wives don’t want sex. My husband spent more time visiting with other people, we did go see a movie and had dinner, but then all he wanted to do was run errands until the clock ran out and then he has to go to bed because he’s up by midnight for work. No, sorry sweetie we didn’t have anytime this weekend for sex or I’m so bummed because I really wanted to make love to my wife. Just a big NOTHING! He doesn’t seem upset that it’s now going on 2 weeks since we’ve last made love and he will be out of town this whole week for work.

        So, let me tell you men, I don’t want to hear one more crap load of complaining that women do not like/want/need sex. I’m so hurt I could scream, and actually I have cried my eyes out. I.DO.NOT.GET.IT. And I even told him tonight that I love him and love making love to him, and I miss him terribly when he’s gone all week and especially hate it when our weekends become so full there is no time for us. And how does he reply? Zip.
        He says nothing to me. He doesn’t even hint that he’s so hot for me because it’s been so long. What am I doing wrong? I desire him and I just want to feel desired.
        Amy recently posted…Winning the battleMy Profile

        • @Amy – You’re doing nothing wrong. I think you know that, but it never hurts to hear it.

          I’ve talked to men like your husband, and it’s very strange to me. They enjoy sex when they do it, but they don’t feel driven to do it and that means they don’t make time for it in their overly busy lives. Some try to do it more for the sake of their sex-starved wife, but that usually falls short and is hit and miss at best.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Touch, Touch, and Much More TouchMy Profile

          • Thanks, Paul. Yeah, I guess sometimes we all need to hear that we’re okay and it’s not about us when our spouses don’t respond like we’d hope they will or think they should.

            My husband loves me very dearly, this I do not doubt and before we were married and even early into the first year of marriage, there was definitely a real sexual desire. I remember the first time he ever pulled away from me after we were married — while watching television one night I leaned over to initiate some making out like we used to do when dating and he pulled away from me saying how he couldn’t that night because he had to get up early. I simply smiled and said that’s okay, I was just wanting to make out with my husband, but maybe tomorrow night I’d get a rain check. It shocked me a little but I basically blew it off that night. Well, that night then led to more nights and usually I was turned down each time I initiated. So I gave up initiating unless I knew for certain it was a night he was up for it, so it wasn’t really me initiating, it was me waiting for him to give the green light that sex would happen and only then would I wear the lingerie etc. And unfortunately, there were many nights where I truly thought it was a go but after getting all worked up I would be turned down.

            Sex is great when it happens, but most of the time he is silent about his desire, like what happened over this past weekend and last week. I drove out to the place he’s staying for work to spend a couple nights and he basically fell asleep the first night because he gets up so early. I wasn’t too hurt by it but the next morning when we talked on the phone he made no mention. The second night after he got back to the room, we went out for dinner and I decided just to drive home afterwards because by the time we got back to the room he had to go to sleep. He never even tried to stop me or say he was sorry we hadn’t had the opportunity to make love, it’s like he just didn’t really care about that. He raved about the meals we ate, but seemed oblivious to the fact there was no sex. I cried all the way home that night.

            Then this weekend he had to work all day Saturday and of course was too tired that night, which I knew so I wasn’t upset over it because well, I’m getting used to it. Sunday he got done about 11am with his truck work but spent the next hour visiting with his son and then someone else dropped by for another 1/2 hour. We did go see a movie and had dinner, but afterwards instead of making a beeline for home he wanted to run an errand. So we puttered around, got home and someone else dropped by and spent at least 1/2 an hour. By then it was time for him to go to bed and by then I just lost it.

            I did bring everything up with him while we drove to the movies that afternoon…I apologized for appearing to be angry and upset with him, when in fact I really was just hurt and sad that we never have more time. I told him I love him and desire making love with my husband for which I will not apologize, and I just wish it was of more importance. He said nothing at all about the lack of sex or him feeling bad too that we never get to more often. I explained that I’ve come to see how when I’m sad or hurt I show anger and I believe that was part of my defense mechanism for years in an abusive marriage. Tears only enraged my ex and made me feel weak, so anger I guess gave me that sense of control and power if you will.
            So when I explained to my husband that I wasn’t angry with him, just sad, he said, “Okay, I thought you were mad at me” and we kissed and sort of moved past it. But then when we got home and nothing happens, and this morning when we talked on the phone and there is no acknowledgment of the lack of sex, it makes me feel like he just ignores it hoping I will get over it.
            And that to me is so reflective of what I know women to do in their marriages when they are trying to avoid sex. Heck, I even did it in my first marriage because I didn’t want to have sex with my ex.

            Anyway, the hardest part is when he just goes about his day like nothing is wrong while I’m so sex starved and it’s all I think about. Then it’s so hard to actually get in the mood when he finally is because I need to have that connection beforehand and when he hasn’t touched me in almost 2 weeks, well it’s tough. I want my husband to grab me, hold me, kiss me and just acknowledge that he hates how long it’s been since we’ve been intimate because he desires it too.

            Okay, sorry, guess now I’m the one ranting, LOL!
            Amy recently posted…Speaking loveMy Profile

            • Amy, just so you know – you are not alone. What you described with your husband is almost identical to how my wife acts.

              So, so sad. Part of me wishes that, after 25 years of it, at some point she would have an awakening, and I could get just a little revenge and say “You know what? TOO LATE. I don’t have anything left.”

  2. I remember some of those feelings from when I was an adolescent, but even more do I remember the resentment I felt that my hormones could control my thoughts, and try to influence my actions. I worked hard to fight those, and then one day the fight wasn’t hard any more (I was sixteen, as I recall).

    The strong feelings and urges left, and I was delighted to be able to concentrate on cooler stuff like guns and aeroplanes and really fast cars.

    I never thought of it as part of God’s plan; I didn’t see sexulity as ‘dirty’, just a darned nuiscance. I found the road to asceticism, but that is not the ideal preparation for marriage.
    Andrew Budek-Schmeisser recently posted…Your Dying Spouse 362 – A Letter To Death {FMF}My Profile

      • I wonder if more young men would follow similar suit to Andrew if we didn’t live in such a sex-saturated world where males are pressured to conform and perform.

        • @Libl – I honestly don’t think most boys can do that. I’ve talked to a lot who really, really tied and failed, and sometimes the failures are very ugly and very destructive to the guy and someone else.
          Jesus said some are born eunuchs and some are made eunuchs by men, and some themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Paul says the ability to do this is a gift, meaning not all have it.
          The other side of this is such men don’t marry or marry late. When the sex urge is curbed it changes a lot of things.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Do You Really Want to Stop Using Porn?My Profile

  3. I often say to my husband, when we’re just lying together holding one another, that this must be what heaven will feel like: perfect contentment.
    Also – perhaps I’m bragging, but my husband will be 79 years old in 2 weeks and we had sex three times in 24 hours :-)

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