Is His Past Killing Your Future?
Over on The Generous Husband this week I’m talking to the men about how their past has shaped their lives. Because you’re married to him, his past is affecting you too; just as your past affects him. This can be deeply annoying (or worse) for you, and it can seem you have no power over those things. The voices of his past are many while you’re one voice. The voices of his past got there first, some of them before he was even able to process what they were saying to and about him.
It’s common for a young man to “rebel” against what he was told about himself as a child. This is not looking at those things, seeing them as lies, and choosing to be something else, it’s rebellion pure and simple. There are two possible traps that come with such rebellion. The first is trying to be the opposite of what he was told, which may be just as wrong and bad. The second trap is rebellion takes a lot of energy, and when he gets busy or tired he may give up and slip back into what the voices told him he was.
Most men marry during the time they are trying to rebel against what they were told they were. So his wife-to-be doesn’t see who he’s fighting not to be, she sees who he’s trying to be. As he gets older and slips back into some of his past his wife is suddenly faced with a different man than the one she thought she married. Adding to this is the likelihood she has been doing much the same thing about who she was told she is.
A similar problem occurs when a man grew up accepting what he was told about himself and was being that man when he met and married his wife. Then he starts to figure out he was lied to about who he is, and he starts working to become the man God made him to be. He’s doing a good thing, but he’s still changing from the man his wife thought she married.
Ultimately, we’re only happy when we’re being who we were made to be. Beyond that, we can’t be a truly good and loving spouse if we’re not being ourselves. Encouraging your man to be who God made him to be is the right thing to do, but it’s also a scary thing to do. Even if you’re not thrilled with all of who he is now, you know what to expect. Change is unsettling at best, and it can seem threatening.
My series on this started yesterday with Letting Go of the Past. The rest of the posts run Tuesday through Saturday. If you think your husband is stuck in some lies from his past, reading the series might give you some understanding and show you some ways you can help. If you think you’re living out lies you were told growing up, the series might help you!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m really glad I’m learning to be the man God says I am!!