Let me tell you a little secret about male sexuality: being aroused feels good*.

I’m not talking about the pleasure of having sex or the pleasure of orgasm; just being aroused is an enjoyable thing. Even if it doesn’t lead to anything more right then, getting “turned on” is a nice thing.

This is why men can enjoy things like going to strip clubs, looking at porn, or lusting after women in public, in magazines, or on TV or movies. Doing these things causes arousal, which is enjoyable.

Morality and decency aside, men have a huge array of arousing things at their disposal. Some are more arousing than others, but any of them will bring him enjoyment. Making use of any of those options doesn’t mean it’s his top choice, and it doesn’t mean he thinks that woman is the best looking or most arousing woman or type of woman. At it’s worst male culture tells us we are men and we have a right to be turned on by anything we like. Women are things, not people, and they exist for our pleasure. 

I said “morality and decency aside” in the last paragraph. But no one is totally lacking in morality, so few men are actively seeking to be aroused by every opportunity they have. With a very few sociopathic exceptions, men see women as more than things and they limit themselves accordingly. The struggle then is between their morality/decency and their desire to be aroused. Using a good, decent woman in this way is unacceptable. But a woman who gets up on stage and takes off her clothes is not a good, decent woman. Likewise for a woman who does porn. Some men extend this to women who dress immodestly (and these men will swear those women know what they are doing and do it intentionally). Clearly, there’s a lot of justifying going on.

Now before you decide all men are total pigs, please understand I’ve been talking about the worst case thinking here. Most men are far better than this. Even apart from Godly morality, many men realise how wrong all this is. The idea of using a woman for sexual arousal, even if she is on board with it, bothers many men. Some base part of us wants it, but our better self is offended by the idea. This creates an inner battle not unlike the battle most of us have with not eating everything we feel like eating. You may see that as a bad example, but as someone who has struggled with both, I can assure you it’s dead on. And just as being tempted to eat something doesn’t mean we like it more than any other food, looking at porn doesn’t mean a man has no desire for or interest in his wife.

None of this is an attempt to excuse a man looking at porn, or going to strip clubs, or lusting after women he sees. Those things are wrong. My primary goal here is to help you understand that those wrong choices don’t mean what you may assume they mean about you and how your husband feels about you or how you look. I would also point out this is why being his eye candy is helpful if he is trying to curb looking at other women. When you feed his desire to enjoy being turned on you take away the “hunger”. Of course, this only works if you regularly follow up with sex.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is my only eye candy.

* I know some women enjoy being aroused. But some don’t enjoy arousal at all, and others don’t want to be aroused unless it’s leading to sex. Women are also more likely to want to limit their arousal to individuals for whom they have romantic feelings. Much of this is probably about cultural learning, but some of it is because sex and emotional intimacy are more closely tied for women.

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