Non-Sexual Touch for Him

I’ve talked to a number of men who would like more non-sexual touch from their wife. Hugging, snuggling, foot and back rubs, holding hands, and all that stuff. I’ve also seen others report this, some with surveys to back up their claims.

Non-Sexual Touch for Him

I realise some men don’t care about any touch that’s not sexual (and some don’t even care about that), but I think this is far more common than most would guess. Really this is a human thing; we all need touch even if we deny that fact to ourselves.

The tricky part of this is how it may interact with his sexuality. If he’s not having enough sex, non-sexual touch is going to get him turned-on and make his sexual frustration worse. If he’s young and/or has a high drive, non-sexual touch may arouse him even if he’s having sex often enough it’s not a problem. If there’s not enough sex in your marriage, add some sex along with adding non-sexual touch. If non-sexual tends to get him going do it when you are open to sex or after you’ve had sex.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I enjoy any kind of touch my wife gives me!

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13 Comments on “Non-Sexual Touch for Him

  1. When there is little sex non-sexual touching easily feels like sexual touching. i have experiences tough that sometimes when I’m sexually frustrated and my wife hugs me or just snuggles with me, then the frustration disappears. I mean I still could want sex but I don’t feel sad or desperate from it. So sometimes I think I need sex but what I need is non-sexual touching. I don’t know why. It can be that my wife doesn’t like to snuggle so much before or after sex. She wants to have sex and when it’s over she want us to move on. So for me the non-sexual touching that doesn’t happen so often (it’s getting better) means a lot. It has taken years to understand how important it is for me. I still want and need sex (it’s been almost 2 months without no sex now) but I realize that some non-sexual touching really touches my soul. It makes me feel loved and appreciated. Especially hugs and kisses.

  2. I have no idea how non-sexual touch interacts with his sexuality. I had an odd experience. The other night, my husband kissed me and he said, “you haven’t kissed me like that in awhile; it’s normally just pecks.” Which is very true, but I didn’t kiss him any differently, it was all in how he kissed me. I only do pecks on the cheek or mouth because after a couple of years of getting shoved away (both literally and figuratively), I gave up trying for a real kiss.

    I do get hugs. My love language is physical touch, and there comes a point where I honestly can’t stop from trying to hug him or pat his shoulder or something. It’s like I need some kind of connection. But I stop myself most of the time, because of how often he has pulled away.

    I have noticed some changes in the last few months, but I don’t know why and he claims nothing is different when I’ve asked. It makes it hard for me to trust or respond.

    • I recognize that so much. My wife recently did the same thing. She gave me a deep kiss(sadly no tongue. She hasn’t kissed me with tongue for more than two months) and said: ” You never kiss me like that” I told her that I have tried but she doesn’t want to. She changed the subject. It hurts so i understand you. My wife has also started to change a little in that area. Hopefully it will mean thing will get better between you guys. I will pray for you that this will happen.

    • @sunny-dee – He may not be aware of it, or he may be but doesn’t understand it. Regardless, I’d take it as an invitation. Start slow, advance as you feel is wise.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…What I’d ChangeMy Profile

      • That is really hard. I’m not saying it’s bad advice just … really hard. I’ve gotten to where I’m (usually) in a really good space with essentially being asexual. I have some body image issues to work on, but overall — I’m better than I was during the first year I was married, when it felt like I was ramming my face into an invisible wall. I’m really afraid to go back there, because it felt like I hurt all the time.

        • Sunny-dee and anyone, man or woman, living in a similar pain of spousal rejection of intimacy, sexual or otherwise…

          I am so, so sorry and I want you to know you are not alone. I almost spoke up when you mentioned his odd reaction to lingerie and then again the kissing but I always worry I have nothing significant to add or I won’t express myself well. But, I am trying to open up and let God use my painful experiences to help others if He sees fit.

          Brief background: I was raised in a very sheltered, conservative home. I went to a small, religious college where I was further sheltered living on campus but I moved in with a fellow worker after 2 years because I didn’t want to quit my job. Naive as can be, I received a totally different type of education. My roommates would bring guys home and let their “boyfriends” male friends crash at the house. One night, after going to a bar, I came to with one of those men entering me. He said I had not said no and I had no remembrance of the night up to that point so I couldn’t dispute it. I was shell shocked and figured I must have been drinking to the point I let go of everything I had ever believed in and then passed out. I did not look at it as rape. I blamed myself for going to the bar in the first place and figured since I had lost my virginity and had done something so awful, that I was damaged goods and that no decent, Christian guy would ever want me.

          When I met my husband a few months later, he was my hero cause he supposedly was a Christian and said it was no big deal. He did not live a Godly life but I figured I couldn’t judge because I messed up so badly myself; I thought he would “grow up” and we would have this great Christian Marriage cause he seemed so warm and loving and nonjudgmental, the opposite of what I grew up with. We dated 2.5 years before we became engaged. He was frequently gone for work for extended periods of time. When we were together, I thought we were a good match and had good chemistry cause we would make out for a long time and I loved passionate French kissing with him. He never pressured me for actual sex but later gave me the blue balls story to get manual and then oral satisfaction through me. He hadn’t “grown up” or matured spiritually by the time we got married but by then I had the additional guilt of going too far sexually with him and believed that if I was a good Christian wife that loved him unconditionally, that he would want to change himself.

          I knew since neither of us had any real sexual experience to go by, that sex would not be great at first but I thought we would bond and enjoy the practicing until it became good. I figured he would come too quickly and it would be a long time before even the possibility of me orgasming through sex was realized. My biggest expectations were that my husband would desire sex a lot and that he would appreciate the fact that he had a wife who was eager to explore and experiment and was always willing to accomadate him in the bedroom. Imagine my devastation when we only had sex a few times on a 10 day honeymoon. All the sexy lingerie I had purchased was put back because he said it made him feel uncomfortable and turned him off. When I tried to snuggle or flirt he said it put too much pressure on him and turned him off. I told him I didn’t think he needed to be a pro right away and I asked him to let me know what I could do to help. He didn’t really seem to care.

          French kissing was gone, saying I had a nice butt was gone, any flirting or foreplay was gone. Ninety percent of the time, the only time he seemed to have any desire for ME and want to actually play a little was when he was 1/2 drunk. Once in awhile after he had done an especially bad thing, he would offer limited foreplay to get back in my good graces. In 25 years, I could count on one hand the times it felt like we made love, other than that, it was just cold, boring “he needs a release.” That was not a frequent need and I’m estimating 3/4 of our years together would be clinically defined as essentially sexless. The times that could be depended on to awaken the most desire in him was sex at my parents ranch or when I was having my period or medically unable to have sex. He had problems with both PE (expected) and ED (unexpected for a guy in his early 20s) from the get go. Both of those were far less of a problem with manual or oral which he wanted 10 times more than PIV intercourse. Not once did he ever try to do anything for me after he orgasmed or quit trying. He never tried to learn to please me sexually or bring me to an orgasm. Oral for me was out of the question; he would not look down there at all. Early on he came home drunk and wanted doggy style. Because I enjoyed it and asked for it again, it never happened after that. Sex was always on his terms and was used to control and punish, not to show love and desire. The last dozen years of our married life, PIV sex meant 2 minutes of him rubbing my nipples to get me lubricated and then I was on top and did all the work. He rarely looked at me and touched even less, no kisses, caresses, verbal or physical affection. I felt like a two bit whore, not like a wife at all. He lay there like a cold fish while I tried to show enthusiasm and express my love. I was a fool that kept on hoping his full surrender to God would come and all the pain would be worth it in the end.

          My whole marriage, from the wedding day on, I felt unloveable, undesirable, ugly, deficient, and unwanted. I thought I was the reason for his lack of desire. I was not a tall, big breasted, long legged Barbie doll. I had body image problems before I was married because I was slightly below average height, small breasted and was all lean muscle cause I was a runner. Years after our marriage when we got internet and I would catch him watching porn, I was not the type he was looking at even though he said I was ok before we married. I was so sure I was the problem I asked my gynecologist several times if he was lying to me about me being normal. Like Sunny de, I tried so hard to make myself asexual where I didn’t care so I wouldn’t ache constantly. I begged God to take all desire away from me so the rejection wouldn’t hurt. I tried to remove my mind and emotions when we had sex and become an actress cause if not I would have to turn around so he wouldn’t see me cry.

          He was abusive although it wasn’t physical. When I finally couldn’t deny the abuse to me and my children and God helped free me, I intellectually started to realize it wasn’t me that was the greatest problem, it was him. Emotionally, I am trying to look at myself through God’s eyes instead of his but it is a constant struggle. I have no confidence left in myself as a person or my desirability to the opposite sex. When I finally was able to talk to a counselor she said the switch in behavior before and after marriage and the not wanting to see lingerie, the not wanting passionate kisses, not looking at me during sex, and the mind games with sex and the rest of my marriage were all indications of someone that was not capable of intimacy with a spouse whether it be emotional, intellectual, or sexual intimacy. Once again, I understand that intellectually but it is only a bandaid on a 10″gash emotionally. And even though she (a Christian) and a marriage counselor (non Christian) say it was necessary to end my marriage and was ok because it was based on fraud in the first place, I still feel shame even though God has given me peace and I am 100% sure I am on the right path.

          So Sunny-dee, you are not alone. I am guessing it is primarily your husband’s problem not yours. I KNOW you are God’s creation made with loving care and attention to detail. Your desires and wishes for all kinds of intimacy and closeness in your marriage are not abnormal or selfish. You are not a freak or a loser. You are a dearly loved woman whose husband is living in sin and, I think, deliberately trying to sabotage your emotional, intellectual, and physical well being. A word of caution about having children with a man like that who remains unrepentant…they tend to make the relationship worse, not better. As bad as I thought my pain was, seeing my children in pain was far, far worse. And now I live with the guilt that my relationship caused irrevocable damage to them that I can only pray God will heal.

          I am praying for you and others. May God give you strength, understanding and clarity and may you realize the extent of His care and His grace.

          Paul, I am sorry this was so long. It should have been broken up in responses over time. If you think it is better not to publish it, I understand. If you do not, is there any way you could get it to Sunny-dee if you think it would be helpful to her? Thank you,

  3. I would like to just comment that here it’s the opposite. He gets lots of non sexual touch (mostly deep tissue massages). I however am starved for any non sexual touch. If I ask to be held, its met with a sigh, a back rubs last about 2 minutes tops, snuggling makes him “to hot” etc. Apparently he can only touch me when it means having sex. Outside of that its just inconvenient. Much like spending time with me. I am fortunate that my love language is not physical touch (And no, my love language is not met either), but that doesn’t mean I don’t need touch too.

    • I know this may not help much but I just want to say that I’m really sorry it is like that. I am in no way the perfect husband but I get so sad when I read about women who are neglected by husbands. Specially when the wife’s does everything to show them love and affection. It’s sad that they don’t see what they are missing because of their selfishness. I would. Be overjoyed if my wife was half as passionate as many wife’s here are. The only advice I could give you is to talk to him and explain how you really feel which I guess you have. If he doesn’t listen write him a letter or text him. That’s how I have done with my wife. Talking hasn’t always worked because it’s been easy for her to feel judged and end the conversation so texting has worked for us. I pray and hope things will get better

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