Every so often when I become moderately acquainted with a man or woman before I meet their spouse I wonder why their spouse puts up with them. Then I meet the spouse and it becomes clear – they have an unspoken agreement to put up with each other’s rudeness, faults, and sins. They each pretend the other is okay in return for the same treatment from their spouse.

I’m all for grace, but what I’m talking about here isn’t grace. It’s an “I’ll ignore your drinking problem as long as you ignore my shoplifting” kind of thing. It’s two broken people who would rather put up with a dysfunctional spouse than work on their own healing.

These marriages rarely last for a lifetime. One of two things happens: 1) One person gets tired of being broken and starts to heal and grow, at which point they no longer have a reason to put up with their spouse’s brokenness. Or 2) One person gets so bad the other feels what they have to put up with is far more than what their spouse puts up with. Either of these results in a lot of ugliness followed by a messy divorce. 

Grace is great, ignoring sin and major dysfunction is not. Grace encourages healing, pretending problems don’t exist doesn’t. Grace is biblical, avoidance is not. If you’re ignoring, pretending, or avoiding, please know the odds are good it will become worse. Likewise, if you’re counting on your husband ignoring, pretending, or avoiding. If this is a big issue in your marriage it could well be what destroys your marriage. If you see your marriage in this, please find good help ASAP. If hubby won’t go for help go alone.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hate slow-motion marriage catastrophes

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