There are exceptions, but most husbands would really, really like to discuss sex with their wife. They want to share what they enjoy. They want to know what she enjoys. They want to talk about new things to try.

Part of this is that we generally like to talk about things we enjoy, and sex is high on most men’s list of enjoyable things. There’s also the fact that most men feel their wife doesn’t tell them what they need to know to make sex better for her.

It turns out indulging his desire to talk about sex could be good for you. Results from the third British national survey of sexual attitudes and lifestyles showed that couples who openly talk about sex were less likely to report a lack of sexual interest. There is a bit of a chicken and egg issue here, but working on better sexual communication will improve sex, and that alone should improve desire. Beyond that, talking about sex makes you think about it and that tends to boost interest too.

What if HE won’t talk?

I know some of you are married to men who won’t talk about sex. Doing so would make it better for him, but he has some hangup that keeps him from going there. Start by understanding this is about him, not you. He came into marriage this way. He might think it’s you because he was able to talk with the women he was with before you, but the reason for that is probably in how he sees various women. Talking about sex with the kind of women who have sex outside of marriage is okay; talking to a good woman about sex is wrong.

If words scare him, try educating him with experience. Put his hand where you want it, or position yourself differently. You can also try a few words during sex. “Slower would be great” or “Would you try moving your finger up and down” (when he is going left to right). Give him small simple nudges and see if he moves a bit.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I talk about sex for a living! 

What factors are associated with reporting lacking interest in sex and how do these vary by gender? Findings from the third British national survey of sexual attitudes and lifestyles | BMJ Open  

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