He Wants to Talk… About Sex

There are exceptions, but most husbands would really, really like to discuss sex with their wife. They want to share what they enjoy. They want to know what she enjoys. They want to talk about new things to try.

He Wants to Talk... About Sex

Part of this is that we generally like to talk about things we enjoy, and sex is high on most men’s list of enjoyable things. There’s also the fact that most men feel their wife doesn’t tell them what they need to know to make sex better for her.

It turns out indulging his desire to talk about sex could be good for you. Results from the third British national survey of sexual attitudes and lifestyles showed that couples who openly talk about sex were less likely to report a lack of sexual interest. There is a bit of a chicken and egg issue here, but working on better sexual communication will improve sex, and that alone should improve desire. Beyond that, talking about sex makes you think about it and that tends to boost interest too.

What if HE won’t talk?

I know some of you are married to men who won’t talk about sex. Doing so would make it better for him, but he has some hangup that keeps him from going there. Start by understanding this is about him, not you. He came into marriage this way. He might think it’s you because he was able to talk with the women he was with before you, but the reason for that is probably in how he sees various women. Talking about sex with the kind of women who have sex outside of marriage is okay; talking to a good woman about sex is wrong.

If words scare him, try educating him with experience. Put his hand where you want it, or position yourself differently. You can also try a few words during sex. “Slower would be great” or “Would you try moving your finger up and down” (when he is going left to right). Give him small simple nudges and see if he moves a bit.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I talk about sex for a living! 

What factors are associated with reporting lacking interest in sex and how do these vary by gender? Findings from the third British national survey of sexual attitudes and lifestyles | BMJ Open  


Links may be monetised
Image Credit: © auremar | stock.adobe.com

Shop Amazon ◆ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
Where we’re going Contact us about speaking


14 Comments on “He Wants to Talk… About Sex

  1. I never particularly enjoyed sex, so never had a great desire to talk about it, but I wonder if there is a difference between talking about it during the act, or apart from it?

    I could talk about it ‘during’, if necessary, to adjust actions as they were happening, but it would have been wildly surreal to discuss sex across the breakfast table.
    Andrew Budek-Schmeisser recently posted…Your Dying Spouse 388: A Caregiver So Far From Home {FMF/#write31days}My Profile

  2. I was actually thinking about this the other day. My wife doesnt want to talk much about sex but I want to find a way to talk about it somehow. Specially outside the bedroom. I had an idea about doing like a questionnaire for us both. One about our marriage where each one of us seperately has to write how we feel our marriage is and what we want to get better. And then I want to do one about our sex life. I want us to find back to each other more and I want her to enjoy sex for her sake not my sake. So I want to ask like how do you feel out sex life is now? What do you enjoy? And then an honest part where we will write what we don’t like, what we really like and what we would like to try. I hope she will be on board on the idea. For us to talk about sensitive things we often need to text or write it down first and then talk about it. And specially the honest part when we are going to write what we like is tricky to do face to face at first. I suspect she likes somethings but is afraid of telling them. So I hope that we in this way can be honest with each other and help better our sex life.

    • @Paul – great post!

      @ads – when I was first married, I left like I might die if I talked about sex. The topic felt taboo. I like your idea of writing ideas first, that would have been helpful. My husband pressured me to talk about sex, and that made it worse. In hindsight, here is something else that would have helped me.

      If he had initially simply asked me to listen about sex. If he had talked about what it means to him, how he experiences it, his preferences, etc. (But not in a “You should be doing this!” kind of adversarial way. Just in a “I’m sharing intimate information about myself” kind of way.) It would have helped me get used to sex as an appropriate topic for a married couple. By pressuring me for details about myself right off the bat, I felt both uncomfortable AND interrogated.

      Something else that would have helped me as a reluctant participant is to be given multiple choice questions instead of essay questions. “Which do you like better, A or B?” instead of “What do you like?” “Which do you like better” can be followed up with “What makes that one better for you?”

      • Thank you T the multiple choice advice is a great idea! Thank you! It will make it easier for her to show what she likes. And it also gave me an idea of what to do with certain topics. We have had sex one time since august. The reasons are a rough patch and pregnancy. Some days I feel like I’m going crazy. Specially under stress witch I am in now. I can’t ask for sex but I just wish She would give me a handjob or something. At the same time I don’t want her to feel like she is just an object for me or something like that. The thing is she wouldn’t tell me that she feels like it if I would ask. She would just say no or role her eyes. So I could use the questionnaire to ask: “How would you feel if I asked for a handjob after a long period of time? Weird? Disgusted? Happy? Etc.” And then let her elaborate. I could also use it to ask for example. how do you feel when I give you oral sex? Weird, happy etc.
        Man this is great! Thank you T.

        I’m really sorry your husband treated you like that. I did it too These first three years of marriage. It have taken me three years of marriage to realize sex isn’t about me. It’s about us and for me it must be first about her. I want to make sex something that she wants because she likes it. Not because I like it but because it gives her pleasure. I hope your husband will learn that .
        Thanks again!

        • @ads thanks, you are so sweet. Don’t worry about us, this was long ago when you were still in diapers! My only concern for you is that your enthusiasm might be overwhelming if she’s already reluctant. If I had been given a questionnaire all those years ago, it may have felt like an examination. If I had been asked several questions at once, it may have seemed like an interrogation. When he would come on too strong, it felt like he was “trying to fix what’s wrong with me.” Please consider taking it slow. Maybe bring up just one specific thing, you go first – share a few thoughts about yourself, then ask her what she thinks. Then in a few days or a week, introduce a second microtopic. Rinse and repeat.

    • There’s a handful of websites/apps that might be useful:

      Kindu (Android and iOS app)
      Sex questions to ask (Android app)

      …but be mindful to keep your expectations in check. Your wife may just be very “vanilla” in her tastes.

  3. My husband is a man who talks about sex while having sex. It’s then he wants to know all the “details”. Outside of it, he doesn’t see the point.

    It’s hard for me, especially with our current difficulties to talk about sex at all, because I am working through some hurts, and it just makes me feel like I am failing somehow or am a disappointment.

    So if we don’t talk about it, I don’t get stuck in my head, and then we have great sex. Maybe one day it will be different.

  4. Here’s my chance to thank you again, Paul, because your posts are great conversation starters with my husband!

    Another nice way to start the conversation, and also my husband finds it stimulating, is to narrate the high points of your last intimate encounter.

    I have to honestly say, though, my talking about what I liked has not correlated with him doing that more often :-)

  5. “He wants to talk….about sex”

    That has the same response from me that I’m sure men have when their wife’s say:
    “We need to talk.”

    He wants to talk details.
    Do I have to?

    She wants to talk feelings/emotions.
    Do I have to?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

%d bloggers like this: