Your Feelings Scare Him!

It may be hard for you to understand, but it’s very likely your husband would rather face an angry man than your tears. He’d rather punch it out with another guy than slog through your feelings.

Your Feelings Scare Him!

This is not because he doesn’t care about you; in an odd way, he’s this way because he cares about you. He hates to see you hurt or sad. What makes it worse is he has no idea how to help. He knows what works for him doesn’t work for you, but he doesn’t know how to help you. It makes him feel helpless, and he doesn’t want to feel helpless.

Another factor may be how he deals with emotions in general. Last year I wrote about the fact that men may feel emotions more strongly than women, but are better at suppressing those emotions. If his way of dealing with emotions is to suppress them, then you can understand how your seemingly unsuppressed emotions might be difficult for him. He has no experience dealing with emotions on the level you do. It would be safe to say your feelings scare him! 

A couple of suggestions for you on this. Help him understand what you want from him when you’re expressing strong emotions. He is hard-wired to fix things, and when he sees you hurting he wants to fix it. If he can grasp the fact that holding you does fix it, he might be willing to go there. Likewise for whatever else would help you. Tell him what would “fix it”, and ask him to do that for you. Beyond that, there are probably times when he’s not going to be able to do what you need. When that’s the case give him any facts he should know and then get a girlfriend to help you process. Keep him in the loop, but lean on another woman for dealing with it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and killing the person who made my wife cry seems so much easier! (Only sort of kidding)


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8 Comments on “Your Feelings Scare Him!

  1. What if the person who made your wife cry is you? But you didn’t intend to?

  2. Agreed entirely. I’d want physical contact with my wife, especially sex, if I was in pain. She doesn’t want that. I have no idea what to do many times and she doesn’t know what she wants me to do. It is part of the way that we are and yes, I often do want to go out and deal strongly with the person who hurt her.
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  3. Would it make sense that our emotions also confuse us? I want to forgive quickly when my hurt is caused by my husband whom I love dearly and I know loves me with all his being and I make the decision to do so—but, the emotions sometimes, even often, take a bit to catch up to the decision. I wish I could flip a switch and turn them the way I want…it is especially difficult when it is something that is repeated. I have given him suggestions for helping me recover (offer to hold me, offer a gentle massage, something touch-wise that helps me reconnect), but in the moment he doesn’t remember and I seem either incapable or unwilling to remind him in the midst of my pain. And then I feel hurt more by what appears, by my female brain, to be an unwillingness to put out the effort to help me.

    • Ann, I think sometimes us guys are like Naaman who needed to be asked to do some BIG thing. It really is the little things, done daily, that make the difference. Sorry that it’s so easy for us to forget them.

  4. Something that helps me a lot with this is to write or text out my strongest feelings in a text to him that I DO NOT SEND. I tend to feel emotions really strongly (an enneagram 4!) and I think my husband isn’t always sure what to do with them if I spill everything out in its rawest form. It can take 3 or 4 texts to tone it down but eventually I can use language that is still true but not quite as scary? If that makes any sense. Thanks for your blog.

  5. “Your Feeling Scare Him”

    As they should!
    There is no way to make sense out of female feelings.
    They just are.

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