Working through the comments on several recent posts, I’ve come to understand a pretty fundamental difference in how most men and women think. Certain things are inseparable from a relationship for women, but not for men. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, given that women’s brains are better wired for social skills than men’s brains are.

A problem arises from this because we all assume others are as we are. She expects him to make relational connects just as she does, and he doesn’t expect her to make such connections because he doesn’t. This makes it easy for her to read into what he says and does things that are not there. And then it makes it difficult for him to understand why she’s upset.

One area where this happens is sex. Men see sex a means to an end. Sex connects them to their wife. It makes them feel close and intimate. Sex is a way to make her feel good on many levels. Sex is a relationship tool, a way of connecting. But sex acts aren’t automatically bound to a relationship in a man’s mind.

I realise women generally see sex as inherently relational, but even for women, this isn’t always true. Women who engage in prostitution or pornography are having sex apart from a relationship. This is the exception for women, but the norm for men.

Please don’t take this information to mean men don’t care about relationships. We do care, we just don’t make some of the connections women make. A husband chooses to limit sex to the woman he married. It’s a commitment, a choice, an act of integrity born of love. This then forms a connection between sex and his wife.

And, a confession. I was going to title this post “For men, sex is a tool” but a female blogging friend convinced me women would hear something in that which I didn’t intend. Sex as a means doesn’t make women “things”. If a man’s desire is to love, bless, and care for his wife, he will use all the “tools” at his disposal to accomplish that. Those tools include touch, gifts, affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and, yes, sex. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I get by with a little help from my friends! 

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