“But We Didn’t Have Sex”

More times than I would like to recall I’ve had a man talking about his emotional affair say, “But we didn’t have sex.” If he hasn’t already said this to his wife, I try to explain to him why it’s a very stupid thing to say.

Today I want to try to explain why so many men think not having sex makes it okay, or just barely wrong. Please understand I’m not denying emotional affairs happen, and I’m in no way trying to justify such affairs or make them seem less wrong.

"But We Didn't Have Sex"

Most men don’t have clear lines in their head with regards to emotional contact. Maybe that’s because we’re not as in touch with our emotions, and most of us have a habit of trying to downplay or ignore our emotions. Feelings, we think, are nebulous. They can’t be known, and they’re open to interpretation. And reinterpretation. 

Sex, on the other hand, is pretty easy to identify. A man knows if he has been sexual with a woman. There’s a clear line in his head, either he has or he has not. So to him not having sex is a big deal. It either shows he wasn’t interested in a woman, or it shows he was and he did the right thing (by not having sex).

Another way to look at this is that men see the connection between sex and emotions in a strange way. If she has his heart, he will be all about giving her his penis too. So when he says “We didn’t have sex” he’s saying he didn’t give her his heart. He may have been infatuated, but it stopped there.

If your husband has had an emotional affair, I realise this is of little solace. But perhaps it will help you see he didn’t go as far in his heart as you think he did.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I wonder why any man thinks saying this will help him.

Links may be monetised
Image Credit: © Monkey Business | stock.adobe.com

Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
Where we’re going Contact us about speaking


9 Comments on ““But We Didn’t Have Sex”

    • @Bonny Logsdon Burns – He ignores it, or he doesn’t see it.

      I suspect a lot of men get blindsided by emotional affairs that “suddenly” become sexual. The relationship progresses to the point where it’s natural for it to become sexual, but he doesn’t see it. Then one day they cross the line and she is now willing and even desirous of taking it to the next step. Not so much for sex as for the intimacy of sex. She feels a level of intimacy that makes sex natural and normal.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Men With Smarter Wives Have Better MarriagesMy Profile

  1. I thnk that for me it Is the opposite . I haven’t cheated physically with a woman but I can say that I have had a lot of sexual thoughts about specific women. Thoughts that I have had to battle with Gods help but I haven’t been as worried for those thought as I have been of creating an emotional bond with a woman. For example there was a young woman in my work who I had a really hard time not find sexual attractive. It wasn’t just “she looks nice” but like a raw sexual attraction that made it hard even look at her at times. I just couldn’t stop staring. And it didn’t make it better that she wore skimpy clothes some times and showed her cleaveg and so on. I really had a hard time with this and asked God for forgiveness for this because in my weakest times I did fantasize about her but I tried to stop it. And one day we actually got to talk a little more and I realized what type of person she was and all those feelings disappeared. But that was sexual. What scares me more was the time I started to talk to a cute girl that was just there for some days. There wasn’t anything sexual about her at all but I really liked talking to her. And I found myself wanting to talk to her. She worked at the library and I remember going there to borrow some books and found myself enjoying talking to her so I tried to bring up my wife as much a se possible and then I just tried not talking to her and haven’t since. For me the emotional part is more dangerous than the sexual. Maybe because No girl has ever tempted me with sex and I guess that for me to get that a woman wants me sexually she would have to be naked cause I wouldn’t get it in another way. But talking to someone and starting to enjoy it that’s a danger for me. So I try to be strict with whom I talk because it is easy to “like” the conversations and the contact to much.

      • Yeah the battle is about the heart. I mean i am cautious that I don’t spend to much time with someone that I find sexual attractive and that arouses me. Things could still happen just because I would be horny but that isn’t so likely so and I’m so used to that battle now that I don’t worry for it much. I mean I fight to be pure in my mind but I have learned and am learning how to avoid those things. So even if I have to be careful with the girls in skimpy clothes and seductive looks I am aware of that danger. It’s harder with the cute and innocent girls. I have a thing for nerdy and shy girls who aren’t looking for attention. If I met a girl like that I need to be careful because I could easily get drawn into an emotional affair with a girl like that. And what’s dangerous is that such a thing can happen without really realizing it. So that’s where the greates danger is for me at least.

  2. There may be a very strong case here for following Billy Graham’s dictum on sexual purity in the Modesto Manifesto, to wit, never being alone with a woman who is not your wife.

    Today I figure this includes personal texts, phone calls, emails, or social media contacts.

    Granted, it’s hard to do; when I was teaching I found that to avoid contact with opposite sex colleagues I had to be cold and aloof with almost everyone, to avoid being accused of sexism. But better aloof that to even give the appearance of disloyalty.
    Andrew Budek-Schmeisser recently posted…Your Dying Spouse 406 – Precious Surrender {FMF}My Profile

    • @Andrew Budek-Schmeisser – He said if he saw a woman stranded and he was along he would go to the nearest gas station and send help. That always struck me as being on the wrong side of the street in the good Samaritan parable. That, and Jesus violated this!

      For me, a big part of it is going to come down to the husband and wife and the level of trust they have in each other.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Men With Smarter Wives Have Better MarriagesMy Profile

  3. “There may be a very strong case here for following Billy Graham’s dictum on sexual purity in the Modesto Manifesto, to wit, never being alone with a woman who is not your wife.”

    Ah, the Mike Pence approach that the media and our culture find so laughable and medieval. Given the tsunami of harassment accusations inundating us today, it would seem that Graham and Pence are wonderfully prescient, no?
    CSL recently posted…A Plea For Two-Handed ThinkingMy Profile

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

%d bloggers like this: