How Porn Lies About Female Orgasm

I find women are generally more aware than men of how unreal porn is. Maybe this is because most porn is aimed at male fantasies and desire. But it’s probably worse than you think, and you may have bought into some of porn’s lies. 

How Porn Lies About Female Orgasm

Earlier this year, a group from the University of Quebec in Montreal released a study they had done on supposed orgasms in porn. They estimated that 82% of the orgasms shown by women were not real. Léa J. Séguin, one of the study authors, said, “mainstream pornography promotes and perpetuates many unrealistic expectations regarding women’s orgasm.”

Porn shows women presumably having orgasms doing things that wouldn’t result in most women having orgasms. It shows them having orgasms without the foreplay real women need, and it shows them reaching orgasm much faster than real woman can. And of course, it shows them having orgasm after orgasm, suggesting all women can have endless orgasms.

So, yes, if your husband has seen much porn, his expectations of your ability to orgasm are badly skewed. Even if he’s not seen a lot of porn, culture has embraced the lies so he likely still has unrealistic expectations. However, there’s another issue. You also live in this culture, and odds are you have been swayed by the lies porn tells about female orgasm. If you’ve even worried it’s taking you too long, or if you’ve ever said you didn’t want an orgasm because you feared it would be to much work for him, you are playing out porn lies.

The truth is God made men and women different when it comes to sex. Men are fast and furious, women are not. Women are slower, and they have the capacity for much greater pleasure if they are allowed to move through sex in the right way. Please don’t think this means you’re broken, and don’t think it means you got the short end of the sex stick. When a man learns to have sex at his wife’s speed sex is much, much better for both of them.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I really hate what porn does to couple’s sex lives!

SourceConsuming Ecstasy: Representations of Male and Female Orgasm in Mainstream Pornography | PubMed – NCBI

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27 Comments on “How Porn Lies About Female Orgasm

  1. From what I understand most of the porn my husband has seen was Playboy or Hustler style. Mostly pictures. It seems, instead, he gets his skewed view of sex from movies. It takes me 10-20 minutes of clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. 3 to 10, if I am masturbating. He says I take too long and won’t give me oral or manual. He prefers no foreplay, just me jumping on, quick ride through PIV where we orgasm together in minutes. So, we “compromised” and I get to self-stimulate during PIV to achieve orgasm first, then he follows soon after.

    Porn messed up my expectations in that I thought he would be sex-crazed and want it all the time. That he would be adventurous and want to do more in bed. And perhaps it is because I am no made up and enhanced porn star, it must be because I am too ugly or too small-chested to make him want me. Luckily, I got over that years ago.

    • @Libl – Most of my exposure was magazines. The images are far less of a problem than videos, but the words can still be full of lies. For me, the images were gone long before I was rid of the lies from what I read,
      I’ve not watched GofT or any of the shows like it, but I have read about the sex in those shows, and it seems almost as unreal as porn sex. Less graphics, but just as based in lies and distortion.
      Ten to twenty minutes is perfectly normal. Some women need less, some more, but you are on the high point of the bell curve (aka average). However, porn and TV sex shows women needing a couple of minutes or less. So yeah, a guy who thinks that is reality is going to have problems with a real woman.
      I would bet his wrong understanding is also part of why his drive is not real strong. If sex is not what he expected, confusion or frustration from that could lessen his interest.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…You CAN BE The ChangeMy Profile

      • His interest sky-rocketed once I gave in to his line in the sand and stopped asking for and expecting foreplay, manual, and oral. Things have improved within the narrow context I have to work with and he treats me worlds better outside the marriage bed. In other words, he is satisfied and happy. I am not, but I am more so than I was because instead of getting little to no sex and no orgasms and verbal and emotional abuse, I am getting sex frequently, orgasm at least 1/3 of the time (albeit from my own hand), and he is treating me wonderfully outside the bedroom. It isn’t perfect, but an improvement. And I am no longer completely shattered by the illusion of the perfect sex portrayed in media.

      • TV shows hookup culture, not what married for a decade sex is like. There is some temporary reality to tv show sex, it just doesn’t stay like that for years. When we were dating and 23 my wife was willing to get down in a car or in a bathroom, not so much in your mid 30s with kids and no new relationship endorphin rush. I absolutely still miss the excitement of “right here, right now”, and that is what HBO or Netflix shows portray.

  2. Ummm… the study you cite says in the abstract that 82% of the women weren’t shown reaching orgasm, not that 82% of the orgasms that women had weren’t real. Are you referring to something else then, something in the body of the actual study? If so, please reply with that snippet, because I don’t see how to access the actual study.

    • @Tom Hillson – The abstract is poorly worded. Basically, they are saying only 12% of supposed female orgasms were believed to be real based on observations by experts. The closest the abstract comes to this is when it says “Sex differences in depictions of orgasm, beyond the appearance of semen, were documented.” – with “depictions being the keyword.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…You CAN BE The ChangeMy Profile

  3. I really wish that people would get over their discomfort with talking about sex, and stop allowing porn to be the default sex ed for the majority of the population. This creates untold numbers of problems, and I think the past history of the church with creating a lot of shame around sex is one of the primary culprits to enabling this, porn is just filling the void.

    If you do not openly talk about sex with your kids or your husband, you are allowing the lockerroom and/or porn to have that conversation on your behalf, which will absolutely create problems for you.

    • @mykidsmademedoit – Porn often fills a knowledge vacuum. All too often children have seen hours of porn before they get some rather poor sex education. It’s rigged to give them all kinds of wrong ideas.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…You CAN BE The ChangeMy Profile

      • Porn isn’t “rigged” there is no master plan behind it, it’s just a fantasy version of a real thing, the problem is that we use the fantasy to expose people to sex instead of reality. There is as much amateur porn floating around on the Internet as there is commercially produced. I believe porn is reflective of society, it mirrors what society thinks it wants to see.

    • We didn’t agree on the movies, but I agree 100% with you here. The kids aren’t sheltered and given hush-hush names for private parts. My boys know how and why I menstruate, and where to find my feminine products if I get stuck with none on hand. Having farm animals helps. They can see on a near daily basis sex in action.

      Questions are answered frankly and simply without undue seriousness or tripping over medical terms. I check up on my kids throughout the year to make sure I answer any questions, and I let them know they can come to me any time with any question or concern and I will answer them lovingly and truthfully.

      Despite my prudishness about media nudity and sex, here at home we are pretty open. What better place to learn about the human body than in the safe environment of home. By default of large family, small home, privacy is rare, so how boys and girls look, and even how grown ups look aren’t mysteries shrouded in shame. We teach them that just because they see it doesn’t mean they ought to look. You can grant people their privacy even in close quarters.

      Our children have walked in on us and overhear us. No big deal. Just a firm reminder of privacy. Any questions are answered.

      Hopefully, all this will deter them from porn. I was told nothing, and couldn’t find Biblical resources at first. So, I turned to Cosmo and porn for answers. Big mistake.

      • @Libl, good on you. My parents talk was “wait til you are married” and yelling at me about morality every time they found my playboy. Needless to say, I listened to nothing they said on the matter, and let porn and one night stands educate me. My brothers did the same thing.

    • Porn is like any other movie, it takes something normal and sensationalizes it to make for better entertainment without regard to whether it is normal, reasonable, or even possible in real life. Porn is more of a perverted reflection of what men want than it is driving what they want. All movies do this, porn just does it with sex. A martial arts movie has absolutely nothing in common with how fights work, it is dramatized to make it look cooler on tv.

      • @mykidsmademedoit – Yeah all movies do it. Andrew would certainly be able to tell us how action movies do this! (How did that handgun just fire 87 bullets without changing clips?)
        However, a couple of things make porn different. First, many people lack the basic understanding of human sexuality to know when something in porn is totally false. Then there is the arousal factor. Strong sexual arousal opens us up to accept what we are seeing as true. Orgasm does this even more strongly. So when a guy repeatedly masturbates to porn, he starts to think those distortions are the way sex really is.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…You CAN BE The ChangeMy Profile

        • I don’t know on that, for a 16 year old sure, fully agree, but I’d bet for most married men the sex they had when they were single and/or dating their spouse is more problematic than porn as far as setting unrealistic expectations. I really only know one couple who waited til they were married, so I’m sure the porn issue could be the bigger factor for those people.

    • Pretty sure there is demonic influence. We did the Screw Tape Letters last summer as our ladies Bible study. Some of the letters are about media influence, specifically the ones about sexual temptation, attack on the patients’ chastity, and the terrestrial and infernal venus. Porn is simple theses things ramped up to the max. If you belief the Devil is prowling around like a lion looking for someone to destroy, I can well believe that a lot of out media is the way it is because of demonic influence (with willing participation of the people and the flesh and the world thrown in)

  4. Yeah porn really twists your view on reality. No one spoke to me about sex so I learnt everything from porn. It’s now that I’m breaking free that I see the lies more and more. One thing for me for example was that I thought all women moaned during sex. My wife doesn’t and in the beginning I interpreted that as if she didn’t enjoy the sex we had. Now that I’m breaking free and we are talking about this, she felt that I was pushing her to be like a pornstar while I only felt like I didn’t satisfy her. So porn lies. Someone wrote about enthusiasm and I agree that porn in some way wants to show something everyone wants:an eager sex partner who wants to do everything with you. And that creates expectations that are hard to meet. When it comes to female orgasms I know so little but my wife told me early on that she easily gets an orgasm( she wasn’t a virgin when we got married). I often wonder if it is so easy since everyone says it’s hard but she seems to be one of the few that can orgasm easily with PIV sex.

  5. For us, she’s the one who gets impatient with how long she takes. I’d prefer to get her there without aids, but when I try, she almost always asks for the vibrator with 15-20 minutes. She has chronic pain issues, so it’s not just a patience thing. But my heart does sink a little when I can’t get her there orally/manually.

    • Closertotheheart—please don’t let your heart sink as you are the one providing her pleasure. I too get frustrated with my slow to respond body but I have learned to enjoy the ecstasy my husband gives me, however he gives it to me. He gets much enjoyment from my responses regardless of the method so I do not have to feel that I have let him down. Relish your wife, especially since she is able & willing even with the pain she deals with.

  6. I wonder if people’s sex live’s were less stressful before porn became so readily available?

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