Sex As a Gift

I know there are exceptions, but for most men sex is a great gift. So here are a couple of ways to make sex a good gift,

Sex As a Gift

Sex Coupons

Over on the TMB website we have a variety of coupons you can fill out and give. There are Christmas coupons at the top of the page, and one specifically for sex at the bottom.


How about a massage course you and your husband can take in your own home? This isn’t a sexual massage, but it’s very intimate. Beyond that, Denis teaches how to pay attention to your partner’s body and reactions and is very into being sensual and loving. If your husband learns these things for massage he might carry them over to sex. At $99 it might seem a bit pricey, but if it becomes something you do for each other often it will be well worth it. More information and some sample video on Melt: Massage for Couples.

Melt: Massage for Couples.


I mentioned Honoring Intimates last week. It’s a bit late to order for Christmas, but you could sit down with your husband and go shopping for something he wants. Or give him a coupon for doing that. The site is well done and there are no live models, so no worries there.

Just Do It

We are nine days from the sixth annual Christmas Eve quickie event. Mark your calendar now! (If you want more than a quickie, call it the sixth annual Christmas Eve lovemaking event!)

~ Paul – I’m XY, and yeah, I’m a guy!

We are still seeking year-end donations. Can you help? Give online, or send a check to:

The Marriage Bed
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Springdale, WA 99173-9708

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13 Comments on “Sex As a Gift

  1. I know you added the disclaimer “I know there are exceptions…”

    And yes, I don’t think I will ever give my husband the “gift” of me in lingerie ever again. I am pretty sure me in lingerie repulses him. I’ve shared this story before, so here’s the (sorta) brief version.

    It was his birthday. He’d been working long hours and had several jobs running, so didn’t really have the time or desire to go out after work. So for his birthday I bought a nice piece of lingerie that I actually felt sexy in. I thought I looked really good (and I never think I look good) so this was like magical lingerie to me. I was waiting for him when he got out of his shower. I have never seen such a look of utter disappointment on any mans face. I tried to kiss him, and he seemed so let down. It was the most awful day. I said “I’m so sorry” and I got changed into my normal clothes. He just sat there, looking so disappointed and sad. I couldn’t believe seeing me in what I had thought was something beautiful had repulsed and upset him so much.

    He has since apologized and said this all happened when he was super stressed and exhausted and he wasn’t repulsed, but he felt bad. That’s all well and good, but I saw the look of disappointment. It was intense disappointment.

    If he was really exhausted, as he claims, and not disgusted, he could have simply said “honey you look so pretty, but I am so tired, could I have a raincheck on my birthday gift?” Or…”honey, would you please wear that again for me in a couple days when I’m not as tired?” But nothing. He said nothing. I can still remember the look of complete disappointment. It crushed me how much me, and my body, even all dressed up – disappointed him.

    I’ve waited a couple years to see if he’d ask me to wear it another time. Nope. Finally I cracked and asked him why, if he had been telling the truth about that day, had he never asked me to wear it again. He claims he was afraid to bring it up. I think we can all see that’s bologna! He didn’t want to be disgusted by my imperfect body again.

    What’s kinda weird is he seems okay, sometimes even a tiny bit pleased, seeing me naked. All I can figure is that in lingerie, he expects a VS model, and since I don’t look that way he feels let down? I don’t know. But I have no desire to disappoint him the way I did on his birthday.

    And so, while I think lingerie is a great gift for 99.9% of couples, or for men who Find their wives attractive, it’s not for me. I get a little sad when I read about it. Envious of not being able to give my husband that special gift once in a while.

    Now in my husband’s defense, he has become more loving and attentive, and he claims he was in a bad place back then. And that may be. But I cannot forget that look of disappointment on his face that day, and I cannot risk that again, especially on Christmas. Plus he has never, and will never ask me to wear something pretty, I think because he’s afraid of having to see something that disgusts him. It’s so sad.

  2. Oh, and your Christmas Eve quickie event is a great idea! Again, for MOST couples.

    As the higher drive wife in my marriage, that usually leads to disappointment. When my husband was really down and uninterested, I was reading everything I could to find a solution. I suggested scheduling sex so he wouldn’t be surprised, and so I had something to look forward to. He got so angry! He hated the idea of scheduling sex. im pretty sure he didn’t want to feel obligated.

    I had also read that expectations are relationship killers. So I’ve been learning to expect nothing. If you don’t have wants or desires, you can’t be disappointed. It’s made my life more boring, but yeah, I’m less disappointed.

    Anyhow, I think the Christmas quickie event is a great idea for most couples, and maybe someday we will be able to join in! (But I’m not attempting anything this Christmas that could backfire! 😜)

  3. I gave my husband coupons 6 or 7 years ago…they are all still in his dresser drawer, unused.

    • My husband has no use for coupons either. For one thing, he has to remember to use them. That’s not easy for a man with ADHD. For another thing, he has to judge if it’s a good time to redeem the coupon. That’s not easy for a man with ADHD either. He is much happier when I just gift him with a surprise, a kind helping hand, or myself. So that’s what I focus on.

  4. Year ago I read a short story in an anthology of Esquire magazine classics. The gist was that, the minister’s wife wanted her husband to have sex with her, but he had declared that they had 12 children and there were only 12 tribes of Israel, so he wouldn’t have sex with her. So she got a sexy outfit and tried to seduce him with a sexy dance. He brought out his hot young mistress and made his wife sit there while the mistress demonstrated what an ‘appealing’ woman would look like. I was just a teenager and was so horrified by this supposedly amusing story! (Esquire is, or was, a men’s magazine so I guess the men reading it didn’t think of the woman’s humiliation.) Even though my husband is nothing but complimentary and affirming, the memory of that story keeps floating back to me when I try to do something ‘sexy’ for him. It has nothing to do with him. It’s me. But I don’t let it stop me from doing things my husband obviously appreciates. B., your story always makes me think of this. I hope you and your husband can find a way past whatever is blocking you.

    • Hi Lynn, you might be right. I don’t think he has a mistress (at least I hope not!) but there is a distinct possibility he just doesn’t find me sexy or appealing. He says he does, but I have a hard time believing him based on a mountain of things that have happened in the past, the birthday fail being a big one.

      I’ve tried working through this, but as the story in the magazine shows, it is a very real possibility that I’m just too old and not good enough for him anymore. That makes me sad. My birthday is in a few days and I wish I could start subtracting years instead of adding them.

      But oh well. I’m trying to learn to just paste on a smile. Anyway, the birthday fail really did me in as far as ever wearing lingerie again, and the story you shared adds some weight to what my husband must have thought (although I was only 38 at the time, but I guess to most men that’s “too old”).

      • B, I think you completely missed Lynn’s point. She’s saying that even now, it’s a struggle for her to ignore the message she took in from that dumb story. No fictional joke, no internet commenter, and not even your husband’s actions years ago should be given more respect and trust than your husband’s words and actions NOW, in the moment. You’re letting it steal so much precious time together.

        Like Lynn and like you I also have a backlog of hurtful memories, some from my husband, from movies, from other men, and some from assumptions I made about my husband early in our marriage. But once I had told my husband and he asked for forgiveness, once I had grieved that disappointment, it is my responsibility to do the hard work of daily forgiveness.

        My husband has spent a few years now retraining his brain after years of porn addiction. On some level, especially at this point, it is just a matter of psychology. Tracks in his brain that run deeply from triggers to memories to habits. I have learned a lot from him and now when things trigger memeries of past hurts (hurts that have already been voiced and forgiven by me and the finished work of Christ) I think “I’m not going to deepen that path in my brain.” I don’t relive it, dwell on it, savor the self pity or anger or old fantasies of how it should have gone. Instead I just say “No!” (Sometimes out loud) and forgive it AGAIN. Forgive your husband, forgive the other women, forgive his parents or influences who didn’t do things right, anyone who comes to mind. Ask God to bless them. Sometimes I almost laugh at these dumb old tricks the devil wants to recycle in my marriage. Sometimes I imagine Jesus on the cross and think “was this not enough to pay for that sin? Do I need to add punishment to this? No!”

        I want to put as much effort into deleting and rewriting my brain from the old images and ideas I had of men as a man needs to do to overcome lust.

        One final thing that has helped me – I think about what kind of wife I want to be and marriage I want to have in five years. Is that woman still obsessing over a dumb joke her husband made when they were dating? NO. She is way stronger than that. And I need to live like that now, in small steps.

        • Litzy, thank you! Your comment has been very helpful. I think God has been speaking to me lately through a friend, my husband, the message in church this morning, and your comment here.

          Thank you for taking the time to share.

  5. B, do you know if your husband’s past cause him to have hang-ups about sex? For example, might he consider lingerie something that only cheap women wear? Could he think that only bad women want sex? He definitely seems to have some problems.

  6. B, I know this is a few days later, but I hope you see this. My husband’s Sunday school is watching John Ortberg’s ‘Soul Keeping’ series. In the second video, Ortberg talks about his sinfulness in ‘punishing’ his wife with coldness and withholding sex. It was many years before he gained psychological and spiritual insight into what he was doing.

  7. I’m thinking about giving my hubby a loving letter for Christmas about how we can make 2018 better sexually.
    When we were dating I wrote a lot of emails to him, it was my way of sharing personal things in print first which then made it easier for me to talk face to face, and he always reciprocated and said he loved getting my long emails or novels as I called them. ;)

    We have really gotten off track sexually and it saddens me. I’ve always been the higher drive spouse, but lately feel he is just not interested and he never mentions sex and doesn’t seem as flirtatious as he once was with me. And perhaps that’s what I’m really missing, is that connection we once had of flirting and being sexual outside the bedroom. Now I just feel there’s nothing.

    So I bought a really nice Christmas card for him today and am thinking of typing up one of my long ‘novels’ like I used to write and share my feelings without blaming him but me taking responsibility for my part.

    I’m afraid the lingerie and coupons will only get put aside and that would only hurt.
    Amy recently posted…Please don’t say that…My Profile

  8. I would trade every christmas gift, birthday gift, fathers day gift, ANY gift AT ALL given by ANYONE for my entire 50 years of life, if my wife would once, JUST ONCE, come onto me, or try to seduce me, or heck even just snuggle up to me in bed or even put her arm around me when she sat down!

    I would trade ANYTHING to just have that feeling of “she wants me” JUST ONCE.

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