Why He’s Blind to All the Extra Work
Christmas means way more work for most women and, usually, her workload goes up more than his. This is especially true if the couple has pre-teen children and/or Christmas is at their place.
You would think he would see this. You would think he would offer a hand rather than sitting on the couch watching football or talking guns with uncle Rufas. And because you think he should see it and do something, you get upset.
Recently the young adult guy who was living next to us was working on some mechanical project. Lori suggested I go offer to help him. But I didn’t do that because I knew it would sound to him like I thought he needed help. Instead, I took out the trash, which gave me an excuse to walk by him and say, “Give me a yell if I can help”. I see this regularly because we live on ten acres with several other adult men. We are all willing to help and requests for help happen, but we all play by the guy rules.
You see, there are rules here. Most guys will ask for help when they need it (or maybe slightly after they need it). If they don’t ask, they don’t want the help, or they don’t think it would be fair to ask for help. Offering to help is fine, but suggesting someone needs your help is saying they aren’t capable or are doing it wrong.
Odds are your husband expects you to play by these rules. But you’re playing by female rules.
If you want his help, ask. Don’t just say, “I could use some help” – give him something specific. Also, give him an idea of when you need it done and why you need it by then. Then don’t remind him unless he goes past the time he needs to get started.
This is not a guarantee of getting all the help you want, but it will work better than saying nothing and getting upset that he’s playing by male rules.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and this is how guys roll.
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