What Do You Want For Next Year?

What from 2017 would you really like to leave in 2017? 

What Do You want for Next Year?

If there’s anything about your marriage you want to dump, have a talk with hubby. Moving from one year to the next is a good time to talk about changes. Also, ask him what he would like to change, and be open when he shares. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m looking forward to 2018!

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22 Comments on “What Do You Want For Next Year?

  1. Id like to have a better self-image and maybe some self-worth. I’d like to believe my husband when he calls me beautiful. I’d like to believe him when he tells me he loves me. I’d like to stop NOT believing him because of all of the much more attractive women everywhere I turn. I’d like to have better body image, but I doubt that will ever be possible.

    My husband and I started working out together, and although I feel better, I’m never going to get younger or more beautiful.

    I also wish he’d stop getting upset with me for giving him his space. For example, on Christmas Eve in church, there was a young woman dressed to impress! And she was making sure everyone knew she was there. Of course he looked, how could he not? I’ve tried teaching myself to pray for women like that. But it’s hard sitting there knowing the man who said he loved you in the car on the way there is now sitting there, most likely enjoying the view and wondering how much better his life would be if he could get rid of you and take the younger, prancing woman home for Christmas. So I get very sad, knowing I’m not enough, and I move away from him a bit. I’m trying to give him space and not look so I don’t see what I’ll never be. He says it upsets him when I do this. But how can I hold his hand, knowing he knows (and is most likely upset) that my post baby body will never fill out a pair of tight red pants like hers does, and he’s stuck with me, when there are better options for him everywhere?

    And then on Christmas morning we were watching a parade and he was also looking online for a new used car because he says he wants me driving something better. He hardly watched the parade at all. Except, every time he heard the female host speak, he’d look up and watch the parade. I don’t blame him. She was stunning! I will never be anything close to as good as her. He is probably so sad that he married me, such an average looking person, and now he’s stuck! So I left the room and went about some cooking, so he could enjoy the parade, and the beautiful hostess, without me in his way. Then later he said something like “I left the parade on because I thought you wanted to watch it with me, but you kept leaving the room.” And he was kind of acting like he was sad that I left. But I think it was just an act because I think he enjoys beautiful women much more when I’m not around to remind him of what he’s stuck with.

    When he calls me beautiful, it hurts, because it’s a lie. We both know I’ll never look like the beautiful woman on TV, or even the young attention seeking woman in church. I’m not in the “beautiful” category. I try to give him space to enjoy the views that that stupid book I should have never read told me that men are just wired to crave those things. Who am I to get in his way of admiring true beauty? I don’t want to be the cause of him not getting to enjoy what the book says he was made to enjoy. And so I usually choose to just leave the room, or at least pull away or walk away from him, so he doesn’t have to worry about me. I try to stay out of his way.

    But anyhow, for 2018, it would be nice if I could throw out this way of thinking. It’d be nice if I could believe him when he says he loves me. It would be nice if either he would stop calling me beautiful, or if I could just learn to smile and accept that he’s not lying to hurt me, but instead to try to make me feel better. It would be great if I could let him hold my hand when better women are nearby instead of pulling away. Again, I’m trying to stay out of his way, and it confuses me when he says he wishes I wouldn’t do this.

    • Beauty isn’t very much, B. Remember that he chose YOU, and reinforces that choice every day by being there, and calling you beautiful…and I do think he was sincere in his sadness when you left him to watch the parade alone.

      Consier an analogy, maybe not the best, but the best I can offer. When I was still healthy enough to drive, I drove a 2007 Chevy Cobalt. I’ve always considered the Ferrari 308 (the one from the Magnum PI TV show) the coolest-looking of cars, but even if I could afford one, I’d never have traded the Cobalt for it. Why? I liked the Cobalt better; it was familiar and fun, and could do things a Ferrari couldn’t do…like carry two people in comfort.

      I’ll still look at a 308 if I see one, but NEVER with regret on longing. They looked cool ‘back then’; they look cool now. But that’s as far as it goes.
      Andrew Budek-Schmeisser recently posted…Your Dying Spouse 435 – Caregiving’s Light {#adventphoto2017}My Profile

      • Thank you, Andrew, for your comment.

        And thank you for your service to our country.

    • @B – You have to stop looking to your husband for validation of who you are as woman. He will always fall short. I could write, almost word for word, your heartache. Right down to the pulling away with other women around. Although mine is not external, its emotionally shutting down. And like yours, he doesn’t get it.
      Throw out that book. And anything you read or hear that sends you spiraling downward take to God, and ask for one hour of peace at a time. When that hour is up, ask for another, repeat as needed.
      Give this problem fully to God. And, when He brings along others to offer you the affirmation your heart desperately longs for, thank Him. And don’t worry about it being inappropriate, God won’t do that. I live in a house that the only praise we get is laced with a “but” negative, so things don’t “go to our heads”. And then like you, when I get one that isn’t laced, I can’t even appreciate it, because I don’t believe it, and keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
      When I began giving the problem to God, He raised up others in the most astounding ways to give me what I needed. I receive praise and I get compliments from unlikely sources (all appropriate), and on days when I feel really low and need it the most. I get more hugs now, then I ever received in my life (still all appropriate)- very little physical touch at home. Yes, they are not from my husband. Instead, they are from God – which makes them sincere. And then, as God heals my heart, it overflows to my husband.
      Again, throw out that book. And don’t read any others like that. Instead, get things like Teresa Ingram’s Precious in His Sight, Heather Creekmore’s Compared to Who, and others along those line. Ask God to reveal truth to you.
      I recently read something that sent me spiraling back downward, almost as discouraging as that book was to me, and I struggled. Finally relenting and giving it to God. Then I overheard a conversation while sitting waiting for someone, that the men said the exact opposite of the book. And then later, out of the blue my husband said something that was the opposite of this book – as he has moved to this thinking at this point in his life. And I hadn’t said anything to him. It was words from God, so I believed them. It may seem hokie, I get that, but when I don’t give it to Him and ask for one hour of grace, I fall into deep depression. So don’t worry about believing your husband right now, instead start asking of and believing God.
      And let him hold your hand. Seriously. Walk with your head high. Fake it (the confidence) until it becomes real. I know it seems like terrible advice, but we have to retrain ourselves how to be. Honestly, those beautiful women were out there way before we had kids, got married, or even start dating. We just didn’t notice them as much. Fake that confidence you had, before all the heartache, until it becomes real, as you give it to God each hour. And learn to be confident in who God made you to be, regardless if your husband ever gives you what you need. Because, he will always fall short. He is human, he will struggle. And despite how it feels, it really doesn’t have anything to do with us. As women, I doubt we will ever fully understand this.
      I am not gorgeous, or beautiful, sexy or whatever either. I’ve had kids too. My husband likes me because I am “simple” his words/low maintenance, the worlds words/uncomplicated, my dads words. But to my sons, I am awesome.
      My one son came to me recently and said “Mom, I’ve realized a few things. I don’t want a girlfriend that looks like a supermodel. They look nice and all, but they are way to obsessed with how they look all the time. Instead I want someone like you. Someone who looks good, but isn’t obsessed over it, and who is capable of doing things. It doesn’t matter how much she weighs either, as long as she can hike through the woods, and I don’t have to carry her out. You’ve set the bar really high for any girl. Thanks.” Then he smiled, hugged me and walked away. While I sat there wondering if I had been insulted or complimented because I really wasn’t sure (cheesy grin)
      God can and will meet your needs, in the strangest of ways, if we just ask.

    • Id like to have a better self-image and maybe some self-worth. I’d like to believe my husband when he calls me beautiful. I’d like to believe him when he tells me he loves me. I’d like to stop NOT believing him

      I’m going to remove this section, because out isn’t true out helpful.
      (because of all of the much more attractive women everywhere I turn. I’d like to have better body image, but I doubt that will ever be possible.)

      *******Id like to have a better self-image and maybe some self-worth. I’d like to believe my husband when he calls me beautiful. I’d like to believe him when he tells me he loves me. I’d like to stop NOT believing him because my worth is Not in how i look, but in Who made me. My worth is in Who died in the cross for me. And my worth is in Who lives in me.*******

      Copy out the part that is in the stars. Post it by your mirror. Put it in your bible. Tape it to your steering wheel. Get a concordance bible and study.
      It boils down to this:
      He created you.
      He planned you.
      He Protected you.
      He designed you.

      He Can guide you.
      He Can anchor you.
      He can restore you.

      God made you. It is not selfish or boasting to claim that. It’s truth. He made you who you are, in this time and place, for a purpose. You may not be perfect in your own eyes but you are part of his perfect plan. He doesn’t make mistakes.

    • When I was a child I really enjoyed watching gymnastics. There was a certain gymnast who was phenomenal and had the cutest personality and all around unique. She was adorable, too. Well, as my dad watched with me, he became a fan of hers because her routines were so good. He even gave her a pet name, “my little firecracker” or something like that. Deep down, I felt hurt that she was awarded such a pet name. Sure, he had pet names for me and loved me very much, and was proud of me, but seeing her winning Olympic medals and being praised by my dad made me feel like a total ugly, useless, schlump. I so wanted to be phenomenal at something, and adorable to boot with a great personality and win such glorious praise from my dad.

      But, his praise of this gymnast had nothing to do with me. It didn’t diminish his love for me. He didn’t watch her perform and wish I could be her. He didn’t want her as a daughter. Years later he couldn’t even remember her name. And yet he thought about me every day. I was and always will be his little girl.

      B, your inner narrative is NOT what your husband is thinking. It would have been silly of me to cut off my relationship with my father and the joy we shared bonding over watching the Olympics simply because I felt I needed to remove my inferior self so he could enjoy the superior gymnast.

      Don’t you see? YOU are speaking the false narrative (and punishing him for it). YOU are putting distance between the two of you. YOU are creating marital sabotage and your husband is proving his love and admiration over and over again by reassuring you and wanting you with him.

      You are expecting one thing and when you don’t get it you create this wild narrative to explain why and throw a wrench in the whole thing! I used to do the same thing. Because hubby didn’t perform the way I wanted to, I ended up blaming it on my worthlessness and ugliness.

      As for what Andrew said….he’s right. In hubby’s world a certain average vehicle is his favorite. I am that vehicle. Basic, but strong and reliable. He may look at the luxury cars and admire them, but he wouldn’t trade old reliable for one. As a woman, I don’t want to be the old reliable. I want to be the Ferrari that makes his eyes bug out. I want to be everything he desires, but that is just not mature and healthy. God did not create Barbies who can be molded and dressed and presented any way a man wishes at any given moment. God created RELATIONSHIPS with far more value.

      I accept that I am not Scarlett Johansson.,
      I accept that I am prettier than I see in the mirror.
      I also accept that some people find me unattractive.
      And I accept that hubby loves and desires me, even if his words and actions don’t match up with my expectations.

  2. Thank you, everyone, for your input. It’s given me a lot to think about.

  3. There’s a quote: “You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.” ~Lisa Kleypas

    While the first line of this quote has been used by many people, I like the rest of what she says here.

    When we expect not only perfection within ourselves but also have certain expectations of others, life is going to be miserable for us.

    Look B, I’ve said it before and so have others, YOU and YOU alone are causing your own unhappiness and misery. And you are making your husband miserable too whether you want to see that or not. Your statements of not understanding why he acts all sad when you move away from him and tell him you are just giving him his space to enjoy looking at other women is beyond me. Honestly girlfriend, you’ve created a vicious cycle within your marriage and you are the only one who is going to be able to stop it.

    I can guarantee you are not the only woman who comes down on herself for how she looks, truth be told, every woman who comes to this blog has probably felt something negative about herself before. I always laugh when you make a point to say how old you are and make it sound like it’s all downhill from here and your life is over. LOL My forties were the best! I looked my best and my life was finally turning around after my marriage of 20 years to an abusive man ended, praise God! I lived with a man who DID make a point to let me know I was not as pretty as the next door neighbor or as kind as the wife of a best friend, and he would tell me when I left to get my hair cut that he’d tell me if he didn’t like it when I got home, and he basically let me know I was a prude and no good in bed. So trust me when I tell you, B, that IF your husband is telling you he loves you and thinks you’re pretty, he is very likely telling you the truth! I never heard those things for 2 decades, until I remarried 6 years ago and now I live with a man who calls me beautiful (and I can tell you, I don’t feel that way these days) and tells me he loves me every single day. When we first got together and he would say those things I would shrug them off, almost rolling my eyes like I just couldn’t believe he was being truthful, but one day I realized how rude that was being to him when he was sincerely trying to compliment me and let me know his love for me. So I started saying thank you or some cute thing back when he tells me, but the most important thing I started doing was to BELIEVE him!

    When I hit my 50’s a few years ago, menopause was not kind to me. Today I carry an extra 45 pounds and I hate every bit of it. When I saw the pictures we took over Christmas I was horrified at what I saw and actually cried that night. And you know what I started doing?? I started figuring out that because of my weight gain that must be why my husband does not want sex with me very much or that’s why he doesn’t touch me much these days, it must account for why notices a pretty woman at church , etc etc etc. But that’s no the truth and I know it deep down. He is working 16 hour days and is much too exhausted to even think about sex let alone be jumping all over me, and we’ve had company over Christmas making alone time pretty well non-existent. And those pretty woman at church, well I notice them too and often look, so why would I expect my husband not to notice them. Now if he were staring bug eyed at them that would be another story, but he doesn’t. We sit close and hold hands, and guess what?? Afterwards, I’m the woman he goes home with and I’m the one he calls beautiful and says he loves. Is it hard not to compare myself? Of course, especially these days when I used to be slender and could wear cuter clothes, but when I start having an extremely hard time with my self image I instead share my feelings and frustration with him instead of projection onto him what I think he is thinking.

    B, get some help this new year. I know you say counseling hasn’t worked in the past, but honestly, you need to talk with someone and you need to stop beating yourself up. Start seeing yourself as God sees you and if you don’t know how He sees you, then read the Psalms to start. Find your worth in the Lord, stop trying to find it in your husband because he will fail you every time.

    But honestly — you, B, are your own worst enemy. Be kind to yourself, be nice to yourself and believe your husband. Stop pulling away and ‘giving him his space’. Lean in closer, put your arm through his and tell him you love him.

    I pray this new year finally brings some healing to you and your marriage.
    Amy recently posted…Speak the truthMy Profile

  4. Yikes. I didn’t mean to make everyone so angry. I was answering Paul’s original question about what about 2017 would you like to leave in 2017. I would like to have a better attitude and some improved self worth.

    I don’t think I communicate well. Although I’m not big on the whole “love yourself” thing, I’m actually not a terrible person. So I have some issues and I’d like to change. It’s not as easy as “snap your fingers and think this way.”

    Also, I don’t tell my husband “I’m moving away to give you space to look at other women.” I just do it sometimes. If he notices someone, that’s fine. But if she catches his eye again and again and again and again, to the point where he must be thinking about how much better she would be for him, yes I start to feel ugly and worthless and I don’t want to sit there and experience that. I also wish he wouldn’t call me pretty or beautiful when I know I don’t look like the women he finds attractive. So it feels like a lie. Silence would be better. Maybe that way of thinking is wrong, maybe it isn’t. Maybe I need to change it. But that doesn’t mean people need to get all angry about it. In fact, the way people respond to me, like “hey stupid, get over yourself, even your feelings aren’t worth as much as other people’s – that’s not so helpful.

    Reading the Psalms, good advice.

    Leaning in closer to my husband and telling him I love him when we are around better women? Bad, bad, bad advice. That’s like begging to be loved and I won’t do that. That would be reminding him “hey you poor guy, don’t forget you’re married and so you’re stuck with this average looking woman who has never accomplished anything when you could have held out for someone who is much more attractive and must likely better at everything.” Nope. I’d rather keep my distance and let him enjoy the view, than try to cuddle up and beg for his attention. That would feel very wrong.

    I’ll work on this. I’ll try to believe him when he says he loves me, and I’m getting a little better at that. I’ll try not to cringe when he calls me pretty, even though I have a mirror and two eyes. But cuddling up to him and begging him to pay attention to me when there are much better women around? I just can’t bring myself to do that.

    I should probably stop now, because to be honest, I was feeling better about these issues and that’s why I shared I wanted to change. But now, I feel like I’ve bumped back to square one.

    • Who’s angry with you? Not one response to you was in anger, not one. I think we all find it sad to read what you write because it’s so very clear that you have very low self esteem, and who can blame you having grown up with the family you have shared about, and you also have a hard recognizing that you have worth in this life. And I think it’s easy to see how you tend to make assumptions without truly knowing if those things are true or not.

      “…“hey stupid, get over yourself, even your feelings aren’t worth as much as other people’s – that’s not so helpful.”
      Not one person said this, at least not on here, nor were any responses even remotely alluding to this. Sorry if you hear it elsewhere.
      Your feelings mean a lot, but the issue is not allowing feelings to rule over your life.

      I don’t think you read my response at all, maybe just bits and pieces, because I have very strong feelings right now about my self worth and my looks. And yes, it hurts like anything when I see my husband look not just once, but twice, at a pretty woman at church or wherever we are. I start comparing myself and thinking if only I were that slim or had hair that lush or that color, etc etc etc. It takes everything I have inside to remember that he chose me and still chooses me, and I have to believe him when he tells me he loves me and thinks I’m pretty, otherwise I would become really miserable.

      And I’m not in anyway saying to start begging for his attention if he looks at another woman, I’m simply saying to stay present and stop letting those feelings make a mountain out of a molehill. Take those thoughts captive of thinking he wishes he was with someone like that woman and how much better off he’d be with her in comparison to you because likely that is not true at all.
      You may not realize it, but even if you don’t speak those words or feelings out loud, your actions/behaviors speak volumes and that is why he becomes so sad or even angry and frustrated.

      You’ve thrown yourself the biggest pity party and until you decide it’s time to leave that party, you will continue to be sad and hurt.

      Allow yourself happiness. Open up and share your feelings with you husband and ask God to help you see the truth about who you are and to help you have a different attitude and outlook re: your marriage/husband.

      BTW, I’m not angry, just speaking the truth and sometimes it’s tough to hear. ;) And I can speak it because I’ve been right where you are and decided that living like that was terrible.
      Amy recently posted…Speak the truthMy Profile

      • Amy, i understand what you’re saying, but it’s coming across all wrong. It’s very harsh. You can say all the truth in the world, but if you’re not saying it the right way, the other person will not hear it. We need to be building B up, and that sounds like tearing down to me. I’ve also been where B is, and people “telling me like it is” did nothing to help the situation.
        If I speak in the tonguesa of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,b but do not have love, I gain nothing.

        4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

        8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

        • Read some of Jesus’ sermons and teachings. He calls them hypocrites to their faces. Turned over tables and chased them,out of the temple. John the Baptist calls them snakes and vipers. Sometimes, a stronger tone is needed. Sometimes love is tough. Sometimes the truth hurts.

          I have been where B is. I just wallowed and didn’t change anything but my wording on occasions. I belonged to The Marriage Bed Message Boards and was given some strong words and warnings. I kept at it, using different user names hoping to garner different advice and sympathies (which I see B doing here.) I was ultimately banned. I tried returning a couple of times with assurances and apologies and they refuse to take me back. That is the harsh reality consequences of my actions. They were loving many times over but I wouldn’t heed it. I just kept at my wallowing and making excuses. So, done.

          • Wow. Ouch. Now I’m a snake? That goes beyond a “strong tone”. Tough love is tough love. I prefer tough love to “fluff and nonsense”. All I said was I was sorry everyone was getting so angry. My intention was to share my desire to change, not to tick everyone off and get ripped apart.

            And yes, I’ve commented a handful of times anonymously, the reason being, if someone I know personally realizes my screen name, there are a few personal details I’d rather not disclose. No ulterior motives.

            Libl, I think it’s awesome that you’ve made positive change and grown so much as a person. We are not all on the same timetable. There is so much backstory that I’m not comfortable sharing. I know I’m slow, but I do see change beginning, and that’s why I shared my desire for 2018.

            I’m now thinking sharing may have been a mistake. I apologize for ruffling so many feathers.

            • B, this is exactly what has me facepalming. I did NOT call you a snake. You have a real issue if you keep trying to blame shift and guilt trip and gas light commenters who are only trying to help you grow and succeed and find health and happiness in your walk with Christ, in yourself, and in your marriage.

              • And your comment has me face palming as well! I am not gaslighting anyone, nor do I try to blame shift or guilt trip, not at all. I’ve apologized for making you all mad like ten times.

                In real life, friends tell me I need to stop being a people pleaser and taking the blame for everything. Now you’re telling me I am a blame shifter! Seems I can’t do anything right! But I can also understand that you do not know me and are going solely off of the words I type on a screen. You cannot see my face or hear my tone, so a lot gets misconstrued.

                And yes, I can misconstrue what others type as well.

                Yes, I took your statement “John the Baptist calls them snakes and vipers. Sometimes, a stronger tone is needed. Sometimes love is tough. Sometimes the truth hurts.” as saying “she is being a snake and we need to call her out on it.” Did I think it was tough love? Yes, maybe a little too tough, since I was originally trying to share a positive desire for change.

                I very much appreciate when others try to help. Very much. I’m sorry if that doesn’t come across. However, I’m not going to automatically accept everything that everyone suggests at all times. I’m sure you can understand how that would not be wise.

        • I know I sound harsh, Molly, but I have actually corresponded privately with B and she knows where I’m coming from. I’ve tried to make myself available for continued conversation but she has not wanted that and that’s okay.
          And somehow, no matter how many times I share some of my story, you and others seem to think I’ve never ever experienced too what B is going through and while I haven’t walked in her exact shoes, I too have felt the hurt and rejection that Be describes and I’ve carried the same attitudes and beliefs she shares about thinking her husband is not happy with her and thinking that other women are far more beautiful and worthy. So actually I do understand more than maybe you realize.

          And what I’ve learned from my own life, is that unless I choose to change the dialog in my head and lay down the expectations I have, I will continue to be miserable and nothing will change. So this is what I try to convey to B. I’ve read her comments for at least a couple years and there really is no difference in what she writes, so while I may sound harsh (and it’s always hard to tell a person’s tone through written word) I’m actually really sad for B and the fact that she is keeping herself stuck in a vicious cycle.

          Now I don’t know her personally at all or her husband. For all I know he is an abusive man and is the true cause of what is going on, but from what B writes most of the time, it is her perception of what she thinks should be happening or how she thinks he is feeling that is causing the issues.

          So, please don’t preach to me, I’ve lived with something like this for probably longer than most of you here. Maybe I shouldn’t even comment sometimes and honestly, I’ve held back a lot, but something about B’s comment on this post just really broke my heart for her and how she honestly doesn’t see how her own attitudes and behaviors are affecting her marriage and her husband.
          It’s a great goal she has for the New Year of changing her attitude and behaviors and her thought process and I pray she truly does that.

          Amy recently posted…Speak the truthMy Profile

          • Hi Amy,

            Yes, I did think you sounded incredibly angry. I agree tone is hard to convey in a text.

            I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I am sorry I am not changing fast enough for you. I get that I can be frustrating, I frustrate myself. A lot.

            My husband is not abusive. He did have a period of five + years where he was in a bad place, and that did contribute to a lot of my feelings. I have a lot of insecurities. It’s no an excuse, but it is a struggle. It’s not so easy to just snap my fingers and change everything I’ve ever been told or how I’ve learned to view things. I’m trying. Perhaps part of the problem is I comment more when I am feeling down, and seldom when I am feeling positive. Maybe that’s wrong. When I’m feeling positive I don’t really have as strong of a need to talk it out.

            I should probably start journaling as opposed to bugging everyone else.

            You did correspond with me and I appreciated that. I was under the impression it was more of a “one and done” type correspondence. I had no desire to dump my burdens on you, you’ve been kind enough.

            Thank you for responding. I’m okay with tough love, but it was never my intention to anger everyone, which is the impression I got reading these comments, especially the follow ups..

            • B,
              I would guess many of us submit comments when we are feeling down and we read a post which triggers something in us. I know I’ve often done that and later thought, wow I wish I hadn’t commented.

              I was not and am not angry at you, at all. I can certainly sense your pain and just type a response to what you write. And as far as corresponding privately, I think I made it clear I was happy to do that and it was not just once and done, but it’s also up to you whether you want to email or not.

              Your change has nothing to do with me or anyone else, just you. I was just saying that in the past few years I’ve been reading your comments I truly do not see much change in what you write but maybe in real life there has been tremendous change and growth, so that’s wonderful.

              I know I tend to ramble in responses and probably my lengthy replies are not straight and to the point like I want them to be. My main point I’ve wanted to make is that when you say your husband seems sad and/or frustrated and you cannot figure out why he would feel that way because you try to give him space to enjoy the view of more attractive women, I think he truly is hurt/sad/frustrated because even if you’re not saying out loud what you tell us you’re thinking, I believe he picks up on it and doesn’t understand why you suddenly distance yourself and won’t believe him when he says he loves you and tells you how pretty you are. I can see, and I think others can too, where your assumptions of not being the ‘right’ type or pretty enough is putting a wedge between you two.

              Anyway, there I go again rambling on, LOL! I truly hope you are able to heal and find growth in the new year for your marriage.
              Amy recently posted…Speak the truthMy Profile

        • You 2 are right. You know better than me. My point was sometimes good advice given harshly is misread. I know because i have been ganged up on my people who don’t understand me or my situation. I left a bible study on tears. I will never share anything with these specific women again, and I’ll be very choosy with whom i share things in the future.
          I’m just saying maybe there is a better way to get your message across. So i won’t be replying any more.

          • Hi Molly, thank you for your kindness. I also often feel misunderstood. I think people think I’m looking for pity when in fact, I hate pity! I just really wish I had a friend I could trust who also understood.

            I think a lot of it is the way I communicate, which is obviously not well.

            I don’t trust most women in my life. I’ve been burned too many times. That’s why I started looking for answers on marriage blogs.

            But this time I was trying to be positive and share my desire to change on my end, and it backfired horribly. But anyhow, I do thank you for your kind words.

            • Hey B, I don’t think it backfired horribly. I think at times we read more into things then what was meant, especially when hurting. (And believe me, I feel that hurt too.) It is a downside to not being “face to face” or verbal interaction. We have all seen it done to Paul before.
              Maybe in a few days re-read with an open mind, realizing there is only truth to be gained. Which can sometimes hurt. But its all meant to be positive.
              I think we are all just passionate that the positive changes you want to make have to start with you (as you know) and we are all here in various stages of these changes ourselves supporting you.

  5. I think for this year I want to start doing more for myself. I went from being under my parents’ rules and control right into being under my husband’s rules and control (because I subscribed to the ultra conservative christian uber-submission doormat legalism). Then, I had kids and my life has been too busy and exhausting to recognize myself.

    I realize that I resent not ever having any freedom or individuality. I never really had authority over myself. I have heard no so many times from my authorities in my life.

    If I had a chance to think for myself I might have made better life choices. I love my family and our little life, but it sucks the life out of me. I find myself daydreaming about life without hubby. How I would dress differently. How I would eat differently. How I would have different bedding, drive a different vehicle, even worship differently, go to a different church, how my house would be cared for differently, how I would have the fridge I want, the pet I want, the hairstyle I want…..

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