How Long “Should” It Take to Orgasm?

When I look through the search terms that land men on The Generous Husband, I see a lot of guys asking something along the lines of “How long should it take for my wife to reach orgasm?”

I’ve addressed this on TGH several times, and I thought it would be good to say a bit about it here.

How Long "Should" It Take to Orgasm?

Please understand the male reality behind this question. On his own, he can go from zero to O in less than a minute. Probably way less than a minute. With his wife, he could climax almost as fast if he tried, and much of the time it takes somewhere between a bit and a great deal of effort to not climax quickly. When a man is having sex pretty much everything else shuts down. He doesn’t struggle with staying focused. He doesn’t worry about how he looks or what his wife thinks about what he’s doing or how he sounds. His entire existence is about sex, and orgasm is all but inevitable.

I understand your reality is different. For some of you radically different. Please know that’s okay; it’s how God made you. I realise that feels frustrating, but I do see a great wisdom in it. If you worked like he works, sex would take about 3 minutes from nudity to falling asleep. If you struggle to reach climax that might sound better, but it wouldn’t be. The occasional quickie is fine, but it’s not good every time. Slow sex is a wonderful thing. Learning to enjoy the journey makes sex far better, and taking longer to reach climax makes the climax much stronger for men.

My hope is that you will be able to accept how God made you as good and right. It’s part of the whole, part of what makes sex really great for both of you. God wanted sex to last half an hour or more, not three minutes or less. You are not broken!

So how long should it take for a woman to reach orgasm? I would say on most occasions it should take longer than the fastest she could get there. Sometimes it should be as fast as she can, and other times it should go way longer than she “needs”. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m really glad I learned to slow down and enjoy sex.

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23 Comments on “How Long “Should” It Take to Orgasm?

  1. I agree. I usually go way to fast. Probably my pre-mature ejaculation has something to do with it too.

    But, I’ve been this way since before we were married. I”m 60 now. We’ve been married 38+ years. Slowing down comes naturally now. :)

  2. How should toys play in this? We have become overly dependent on ours. Most times (about 95 out of 100) she cannot climax without one. I can get her very close with my hands and mouth, but inevitably we hit a wall (one or both of us start to have muscle fatigue after 30+ minutes of effort on trying to get her there; she becomes frustrated at wanting it to happen but not being able to get there). When that happens, we introduce the Magic Wand and that’ll get her there in 1-3 minutes, sometimes faster. On the one hand, it’s great that it helps her get there at all! On the other hand, after years of this, I’ve become “trained” to believe that I am incapable of pleasuring my wife without external help. Sadly, it’s become one of my “go to” fantasies when I need to take care of things myself (her finding me irresistible to the point that I can bring her to orgasm easily with just my hands/mouth/penis).

    • @closertotheheart – If it makes you feel better, we have become overly dependent on the bed for sex. I mean we could do it somewhere else, but it would take more effort and be less comfortable. And I know plenty of folks who pretty much can’t have sex without an artificial lube.
      I do understand wanting to be able to drive her to orgasm with just your body, and fantasies of doing so are inevitable. However, please don’t see not being able to do that as being about you or her desire for you. For whatever combination of physical, mental, and emotional reasons, orgasm is difficult for your wife. You have found tools that help, and you are willing to use those tools. I see that as loving and kind.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Personality and TheologyMy Profile

  3. Then there are those of us who can no longer orgasm due to physiological reasons.

    How does a wife convince her husband that her lack of physical sexual response (confirmed by a physician and lab work) has nothing to do with her love (or lack thereof) for him?

    • @Jolie – It sounds like you don’t convince your husband, and I’m very sorry for that. We men can get very wrapped up in our wife’s orgasm in ways that are neither sane nor healthy.

      And I know you didn’t ask, but I’m a guy so I’m going to point to a possible solution. The really poorly named Womanizer is a new kind of female stimulator that is able to provide an orgasm for women who can’t get there any other way. I’ve seen some good reviews of it from sources I trust. Of course, you probably don’t want to put this on the table with your husband because of how will cost if it fails.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Owning Your SexualityMy Profile

      • Please don’t take my comment personal, Paul, or anyone else here. It is directed at anyone in general advocating the use of vibrators in order for women to achieve orgasm. I find it very interesting that we as a Christian society do that, even though we always hear of men like “closertotheheart” that feel rather imasculated by the fact that his wife is not able to respond to his attempts in the same way that she is to a vibrating device. And really all we do is suggest even better and more efficient devices so that he is needed even less. (How would she feel, all of us included, if he needed sexual images to get him araused enough rather then the beauty of her body?) We always talk about that in a Christian marriage there should be no room for anything outside the marriage. But I’ve always wondered, isn’t a toy something completely from outside? These devices usually are moulded after someone else’s penis and if not, at least have the approximate shape of one. In some way I find a viberator more of an actual external thing then an image, a video or a written story. Really all they do is create a shortcut to get to a place that otherwise would be more difficult to get to and if used often enough we become totally dependent on either of them. But we seem to have quite different standards for them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude! We have and use a vibrator almost all the time, but honestly I’d much rather use mind engaging sex and interaction that becomes so arausing that no vibe is needed! But that would require a sexual mindset that usually is not being fostered in our Christian culture. It’s one thing to do it but to go so deeply and openly into the sexual realm and experience in our mind that orgasm becomes a natural occurrence, is something that just does not seem right. So we encourage one (viberators that cater to the female experience) and shun the other (any sexual images that cater to the male experience). Yet all to often men feel no different about their wife using a toy then women do when their husband resorts to looking at sexual images.
        Personally I don’t think that God designed women to have such a difficult time reaching orgasm and at the same time I don’t think He desingned marriage to be such an asexual experience for there to be any need for men to go look elsewhere. And SofS is the proof!
        Just some thoughts I wanted to get of my chest for a long time.

        • @Jay – You are not alone in your thinking.

          I see a vibrator as tool; a tool a man can use to bless his wife. The idea that the vibe replaces the man is not reality for women. If she wanted an orgasm without her spouse she wouldn’t need a vibe! The vibe allows her to enjoy sex with her husband rather than being left frustrated.

          I agree with you that God didn’t intend it to be this way, and our failure to teach God’s truth is part of the problem. But there is far more to it. If sex leaves a woman frustrated time after time that will destroy her interest in sex and hurt the couples sex life. If a vibe prevents that, I see it as a good thing.

          The sexual images analogy seems a stretch to me. The vast majority of the men who need something like that are in that situation because of excessive porn use.

          Beyond that, many couples use toys not because they have to, but because they enjoy them. They do it because it makes sex more enjoyable.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…First You Have to See the BoxesMy Profile

          • “The sexual images analogy seems a stretch to me. The vast majority of the men who need something like that are in that situation because of excessive porn use.”

            That may be true in some or many cases (you probably have a lot more experience here then I do) but its definitely not been my experience. I am in NO WAY advocating for porn use and am not even talking about porn here. By “sexual image” I’m referring to just that, something that conjures up an image in your mind that takes you in your thoughts to a place where you start thinking about sex. It could be something one reads, and actual picture or video, a person crossing the street or a couple being affectionate. Just because an image is sexual in nature does not mean it involves lusting of any kind. But it can also be a tool to wake up ones senses to the reality of a sexual relationship we have or could have with that certain special someone. I deal with this all the time! Every month, during my wife’s period, when sex is off the table for at least a week, I shut down sexually to the point where I feel like I could totally do without sex for weeks if not months. It has helped me to not feel rejected and/or go to places in my mind or on the web that would not line up with who I want to be as a Christian. When she’s done and starts mentioning that maybe it would be time to be intimate, it’s usually the farthest thing from my mind and it usually causes me quite a bit of stress to get my mind back into the game. The things that would get me there with her seem to not interest her at all, like talking, fantasizing, reading something or just engaging in a flirtatious sexual way with each other. For her it’s easy, we use the vibe (tool) to wake up all that went to sleep over the last week and she usually has a great physical experience while I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that now it’s ok to feel sexual again, and even expected of me.
            So no, not all men want sex all the time and are ready to go at a moments notice. They also don’t all want it to be over in 5 min. (where is the fun in that?) And some actually would really love to talk about the whole experience and actually get turned on between their ears and not just between their legs! That’s what “sexual images” as discribed above, do for me. They actually engage my mind and not just the body, like toys do.

          • “If she wanted an orgasm without her spouse she wouldn’t need a vibe!”

            Would love to know what you mean by that!
            Seems to me that that is what most women use, and the reason why they use it.

            • @Jay – Most women have no problem masturbating to orgasm without a sex toy. A decade ago most women had never had a sex toy, and yet the vast majority of those women masturbated from time to time.
              Solo use of sex toys is not toys leading women to masturbate, it’s women who masturbate choosing to use toys.
              Paul Byerly recently posted…Boxes: A Nice Place to VisitMy Profile

        • Jay, I am with you. I am ok with using sex tools for medical reasons. For example, a penis ring for a husband who has ED due to prostate or testicular cancer, or even age.

          However, I am not at all comfortable with the use of toys just because. I feel it is too much of a deviance from the one FLESH and God’s natural design for sex. Hubby agrees with me. It’s too much like having sex with an inanimate object.

        • This makes me wonder about the use of hormones and supplements also. If God made a woman’s body to reach an age where her hormones become depleted which causes a decrease in her interest and response to sexual stimuli, should the woman subject her body with hormones and or supplements in order to keep her going sexually?

          If a woman is not distressed or concerned about her flagging sexuality, should she subject herself to medications ( that have unknown long term affects) in order to keep her husband happy?

          • @Jolie – I would argue God didn’t intend women to have a decrease. Plenty of women don’t experience this, and some have an increase in desire and enjoyment after menopause.
            I don’t think any woman needs hormones to keep her husband happy. However, I think God expects all of us, men and women, to care about what matters to our spouse.
            Paul Byerly recently posted…Boxes: A Nice Place to VisitMy Profile

  4. “God wanted sex to last half an hour or more, not three minutes or less.”

    And how do you know this?
    How do we really know what sex was intended to be like? What was it like for Adam and Eve? Did Adam have this super high drive and have to spend countless hours pursuing and convincing Eve to have sex?
    How do we know that women in the beginning didn’t orgasm easily? Perhaps God even made women to desire sex as much as men, after all, He made both man and woman in His image. Kind of odd that he would make women with such a lower sex drive and to have such a hard time reaching orgasm since He created the female clitoris for the sole purpose of pleasure.

    Anyway, just some thoughts, not being argumentative. I just really wonder if we can be so sure how God intended sex to be, particularly for a woman.
    Amy recently posted…Speak the truthMy Profile

      • Yes, you are right. Song of Solomon gives us a clear idea of what the sexual relationship between husband and wife should look like.
        Amy recently posted…Speak the truthMy Profile

        • It isn’t clear. It is full of metaphors. But, it is clear that they desired each other.

          • Could someone fill me in please. When I read Song of Solomon, I hear two lovers in the early throws of romantic attraction. Is there more to this?
            Don’t most married couples start out in such an elevated form of infatuation?

            • @Jolie – I agree it’s a newlywed couple. But I see an extraordinary lack of inhibition in both the man and the woman. No fear, no holding back, they both jump in with both feet and go for it.

    • @Amy – And good thoughts they are.

      Quick sex doesn’t give the body, male or female, the chance to experience full arousal and the best possible climax and release. This is just biology, and since God created our biology I think it shows us God’s intent.

      I think God actually gave women a very strong drive. But it’s more mental/emotional and it’s more easily distracted or injured. I think the intention is to focus some attention on the non-sexual parts of the relationship and how those interact with sex. But slower should not mean she has a difficult time reaching climax. If they both accept this is her path then they can walk it together and both enjoy the entire process. It’s not “I’ll do whatever you need” it’s “I enjoy what you need.”

      As for the clitoris, the fact a woman doesn’t have a hard-wired downtime after orgasm is another biological fact that I think shows us something about God’s intention.

      • That’s the sad part of my marriage bed. He doesn’t “enjoy what you need,” and won’t do “whatever you need.”

        The best I’ve gotten is he learned that if he waits for me to climax, it feels better for him. So, he waits for me while I masturbate during intercourse, and then he starts his pounding. He is a bit more tender with his carresses and more connected with his interactions, now. Sex for us, from start to finish lasts anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes. That’s it.

  5. With a vibrator my wife can rival me for speed of orgasm.

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