When I look through the search terms that land men on The Generous Husband, I see a lot of guys asking something along the lines of “How long should it take for my wife to reach orgasm?”

I’ve addressed this on TGH several times, and I thought it would be good to say a bit about it here.

Please understand the male reality behind this question. On his own, he can go from zero to O in less than a minute. Probably way less than a minute. With his wife, he could climax almost as fast if he tried, and much of the time it takes somewhere between a bit and a great deal of effort to not climax quickly. When a man is having sex pretty much everything else shuts down. He doesn’t struggle with staying focused. He doesn’t worry about how he looks or what his wife thinks about what he’s doing or how he sounds. His entire existence is about sex, and orgasm is all but inevitable.

I understand your reality is different. For some of you radically different. Please know that’s okay; it’s how God made you. I realise that feels frustrating, but I do see a great wisdom in it. If you worked like he works, sex would take about 3 minutes from nudity to falling asleep. If you struggle to reach climax that might sound better, but it wouldn’t be. The occasional quickie is fine, but it’s not good every time. Slow sex is a wonderful thing. Learning to enjoy the journey makes sex far better, and taking longer to reach climax makes the climax much stronger for men.

My hope is that you will be able to accept how God made you as good and right. It’s part of the whole, part of what makes sex really great for both of you. God wanted sex to last half an hour or more, not three minutes or less. You are not broken!

So how long should it take for a woman to reach orgasm? I would say on most occasions it should take longer than the fastest she could get there. Sometimes it should be as fast as she can, and other times it should go way longer than she “needs”. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m really glad I learned to slow down and enjoy sex.

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