In the twenty years Lori and I have been discussing sex with married couples, we’ve seen an increase in the number of women who say they are having less sex than they want. Some say this is primarily because women are feeling free enough to talk about it. I can’t prove it, but I’m convinced there is a real and significant increase in wives being refused sex.

If this is the case, then the question is why is this happening? Many blame porn. I think porn is a factor, but I don’t think it’s the only issue. To some degree, I think an increase in porn use among married men is a wrong way of dealing with lowered sex drives. Which brings us back to why.

I’ve been waving the flag about being too busy, and saying it hurts marriage in a number of ways, including sexually. Aside from a lack of time, our over-busy lives result in most of us being under a good deal of stress. There’s growing research on how stress impacts sexuality, and it ain’t good! Aside from the mental effects of stress, it’s been shown that higher levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, means a lower level of testosterone. It seems stress can attack a man’s sexuality at a hormonal level. Stress means he’s less interest in sex, and less able to push to do it even if he feels some desire. What’s  more, if he has borderline erectile difficulty, stress could easily make erections difficult or impossible.

Not wanting sex makes a man feel like less of a man. That can lead to all kinds of additional issues and/or bad choices. It might contribute to depression, which is a sex drive killer. A man may see porn as a way to amp up his sex drive. If he feels some need for release but can’t face sex with his wife he might masturbate, with or without porn.

If stress is costing you sex, there’s no easy fix. The answer is to reduce his stress level, but doing that probably means some significant changes. It likely means a different job, and that probably means less income. If he makes less that requires a change in lifestyle. It might even mean moving to a smaller home.

If all that seems radical just to get a bit more sex, consider something else. If hubby’s stress level is high enough to hurt his sex drive, it’s doing a whole lot of other harmful things to his body and mind. Stress kills people, especially men. Stress increases the risk of all kinds of things that lead to a shorter life. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and if you’re being told no I’m so sorry.

How a hormone could boost men’s sexual appetite | Medical News Today

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