Shopping On An Empty Stomach

Have you ever gone grocery shopping on an empty stomach? Everything looks good, including things you don’t usually buy. And ignoring all the junk food takes extra effort.

Many men experience something similar on a daily basis. They walk around in a world offering sexual images at every turn, and if they’re sexually hungry it’s more difficult to look away.

Please don’t think I am making excuses here, I’m not. A lack of sex doesn’t justify lust any more than being hungry justifies buying junk food. However, this is a real thing for men, and it’s a huge source of frustration for some. Even if he doesn’t lust, he has to work hard to avoid it and it gets old. 

This goes beyond just how much sex a man has. He has a desire to enjoy sexual images. If a wife “never says no” but hasn’t let her husband see her naked for months, he is “getting enough” but will still be hungry for some sexual imagery. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, I only have eyes for my wife, and she gives me an eyeful!

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90 Comments on “Shopping On An Empty Stomach

  1. This so applies to me. Unfortunately, my wife does not subscribe to this blog and this particular day’s is the one I’d most like her to read. The effort it takes to bounce my eyes for 10 hrs a day is exhausting when I only get to see my wife naked for 30 minutes or less per week. I’d love for her to flirt with me and allow me to have some of her eye candy each day. :(

    • I’d just like to add that I hate that it’s okay for women to wear yoga pants to work. There was a time when HR would send you home to change if you were openly displaying a camel toe. Today, us Christian men who don’t want to be exposed to such imagery just have to “keep our eyes to ourselves” and silently take it.

    • I have never refused my husband, but it has made a huge difference when I started flirting, grabbing, flashing, being silly and suggestive, smiling and having “naughty” fun. He is like a new man!

      • @Libl – wow, your hubby is a lucky man! I see some comments from wives who wonder how they can compete with the young and hot women. You nailed it on the head with the “flirting, grabbing, flashing, being silly and suggestive, smiling and having “naughty” fun.” THAT is what I crave from my wife. I’m already in love with her, and have always been attracted to her no matter her age or weight. But the sour face, negative attitude, and self-loathing talk are not helpful. I wish someone could take her aside and tell her about what you say. Lord knows, I’ve tried explaining it to her myself, but it never comes out of my mouth the way I hear it in my head, and seems to only make things worse.

        Paul, I would love if Lori made a similar post in The Generous Wife. She does subscribe to that (and hopefully actually reads them).

          • My sexless marriage is like grocery shopping in Venezuela where the shelves are empty and people are eating out of dumpsters and killing zoo animals to survive.

  2. If you don’t feed your dog regularly, how mad can you really get when he becomes obsessed with food? As the person controlling access to the resources, you do own some of that responsibility.

  3. On the flip side, it’s hard to offer him the view of me, when I can see there is someone better everywhere you turn.

    I still find it hard to believe that my husband could be interested in my (ok, somewhat fit) yet still post-40, had a couple kids body – when there are gorgeous 20-somethings around every corner.

    I do let him see me, sometimes, but it’s very hard when I compare myself to beautiful women and I always come out on the losing end. I long to believe my husband, but there’s always a part of me that wonders, can a man who has been married for any length of time, truly, honestly, find his wife attractive? I really hope so, although the world tries it’s best to get me to believe otherwise.

    • There is always someone better, prettier, thinner, stronger, faster at whatever you are looking at. Your husband doesn’t care about “there are hard body 25yr olds” she could be thinking about.

      Listen to me carefully on this: if you want to absolutely guarantee your husband will notice and start taking an interest in other women, deny him the opportunity to take interest in you. You don’t get less hungry because you aren’t eating. After long enough anything starts to look good.

    • @MeJustMe – None of the rest of those women mean anything to him, you do. That makes a huge difference. He wants to see YOU naked, and has no desire to see other women naked. Some part of his brain would react to seeing others naked, but that doesn’t mean he wants it. When he sees you naked it is so much more than just the “naked woman” reaction.

      As for the world, it’s confused and full of lies. Ignore it.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Will You Be A Hero or A Roadblock?My Profile

  4. I have a hard time believing that a daily ritual of gazing upon naked Grandma Moses could, in any way, stave off the temptation of peeking at the 25 year old babe next door gardening in her bikini.

    • My thoughts exactly.

      It’s hard knowing I can no longer compete, or even be in the race. :(

      • If he married you and loves you, there is no competition and there is no race. You already won. He just wants to enjoy the victory celebration with you.

        Don’t give yourself to him and he will be more likely to look at that 25 year-old next door.

        Give yourself to him and his mind will be so filled with you he won’t look.
        Nick Peters recently posted…My Question To Bart EhrmanMy Profile

        • Due to some ongoing stress, I now weigh what I did when pregnant, and its very discouraging to me, but my husband has said nothing but positive things about it, even going so far as to say “I wouldn’t mind if you kept it all on, I like having some extra meat” and I struggle to believe him, because the world tells me how inadequate I am.

          Thank you for this. Encouragement this heart needed to hear.

      • Then again, it would take an incredibly self obsessed, narcissistic 25 year old babe, to do the gardening in a bikini!

    • @Jolie and MeJustMe –

      See my reply to Libl. You CAN compete. Easily. He married you for a reason. He loves you and is in love with you. Have that attitude. Show him you desire him and that you want to please him. He will melt…

    • Jolie, it’s not simply the act of “gazing upon naked Grandma Moses”. It’s about you showing your desire for him and being playful and sexual with him. If my wife took her clothes off and said “Here, look at my naked body. Happy now?” It would be a complete turn-off. The attitude that Libl expressed is what makes all the difference.

      • Agree with Closer entirely. Doing it alone isn’t enough. Imagine your husband begrudgingly doing housework and such. Doesn’t mean as much. That’s about the way we guys see duty sex and such. At least we get it, but hey, we would rather like knowing that you want it and that you enjoy it. We always enjoy it, but it means a whole lot more when we know that you do.
        Nick Peters recently posted…My Question To Bart EhrmanMy Profile

    • I am so sexually desperate that I am now imagining Grandma Moses gardening in a bikini. Cellulite never looked sexier.

  5. I tell women that if they want to know what it’s like being a man, picture being on a diet and trying to lose those last 10 or 15 pounds and HAVING to go through the chocolate, ice cream, whatever section it is at the grocery store.

    Welcome to the world of a man.
    Nick Peters recently posted…My Question To Bart EhrmanMy Profile

    • Comments like this seem too true, but they also make me insanely worried that one day hubby will take up that tempting ice cream’s offer! My husband is taken care of; he gets sex every day and lots of flirting and fun playing around, but comments saying how hard life is for men make me think that no matter what I do my husband will at some point fall victim to this tempting life.

      I honestly hate how often people say guys are constantly tempted only because it makes it seem like every husband will inevitably cheat at some point or another. It really gets me down a lot.

      • Mikayla, even when I’m most tempted, I have zero desire to physically cheat on my wife. I hate that I’m turned on by the woman at work wearing yoga pants and mad that it’s okay for her to do so. I get mad at my wife for not making more of an effort to seduce me and show desire for me. Sometimes I struggle with fantasizing about other women or looking at porn, but I never have any desire to physically be with another woman. I tend to fantasize about my wife having an attitude she never actually has (being flirty, sexual, etc), which upsets me that she’s not actually like that. But what upsets me is easily fixable by her changing her attitude. If only she would… :(

        • I would also say I don’t look at porn, but when I’m tempted, which happens, I try to think of all the memories of my wife being flirty with me. Not just having sex, but the times we’ve had sex and she’s been into it and wanted it. That is a wonderful contribution to a man’s mental instagram and really makes it easier to avoid temptation. When my wife is like that with me regularly, the rest of the world is so much easier to handle.

          I really wish that would sink in for her.
          Nick Peters recently posted…My Question To Bart EhrmanMy Profile

          • Thank you, guys! This is all really helpful and encouraging. I think we women – at least this one – tend to think negatively toward our own bodies and sometimes think our husbands do the same. But I forget that guys are actually pretty easy to please if you respect them and give them love through sexual means.
            And I liked the video! Haha!

            • Absolutely. When my wife says she’s taking a shower, I’m hoping constantly, she’ll let me see her some before she goes in. It was said on Shaunti Feldhahn’s blog once, but I agree with it entirely. When a man undresses his wife, it’s like getting to open a Christmas present. It’s new every time. It never gets old. Never.

              Nick Peters recently posted…My Question To Bart EhrmanMy Profile

          • I admit I have looked at porn occasionally. Always when it’s been a long time since I’ve been with my wife (2 weeks or more is a long time for me). I know when it’s most likely that we will get together, and look forward to the hope of it happening. When it doesn’t happen at a time I had hoped it would happen, I am more likely to succumb to the temptation. Typically, I look at stuff that I wish my wife would do with me enthusiasticallyy, then when I’m done looking, will take care of myself with a fantasy of my wife in place of what I was watching. I hate that it gets to that, and go back and forth between being mad at myself and mad at my wife. Blog posts like this usually get me upset too, because I’m reminded of I’m missing out on. And posts like Libl’s often get me really envious, wishing my wife would be capable of adopting her attitude. :(

            • Do you ever just openly complain to your wife about this? I mean, how would she react if you just told her you are miserable? I am always curious to know whether wives would get angry and shut down if their husbands started really giving them grief over the lack of sexual fulfillment in the marriage. Or would it be a squeaky wheel scenario where the more you nag her the more she’ll get the picture that she can’t get away with this without a fight and eventually capitulate.

              I recently confronted my wife about this and she laughably used the canard about “all you care about is sex.” This is in the context of a marriage that involves sex about 2 or 3 times a year. If a wife can throw that out in a mostly sexless marriage it shows me that there is absolutely no level of sexual infrequency where a husband’s complaint can’t be brushed off with this cliche deflection.

              And it is entirely a deflection. Nobody who gets a little sex as I do could possibly be accused of over-prioritizing sex. Last spring I surprised her with some purchases from one of those online sex toy sites and her reaction was priceless. She got really angry. She lashed out at me and completely destroyed the mood. Then she complained when I couldn’t get aroused. I can’t win.

              And yes, I can already hear the advice. Counseling. More date nights. More housework. More blah blah blah. Been there, done that. I have come to the conclusion that my role in this universe is to function as a kind of karmic equilibrium. A few decent, God-fearing loyal husbands have to raise large complicated families with loads of time and financial pressure and get no sex as compensation for all the pick-up artists who use women for sex and then throw them away. Men like my wife’s ex-boyfriends.

        • “Being flirty, sexual, etc.”

          For many women, those behaviors would be disingenuous.
          It would be play acting.

          Sadly, I grew up learning that those behaviors were only displayed by loose girls. Actually, many movies show that behavior displayed by women of the night or women who want to catch a man for something other than sex, but using sex to get it.

          Pair that with not truly feeling flirty, sexual, “naughty”, and the behavior doesn’t match reality.
          Putting on a wedding band doesn’t automatically erase years of ingrained social training. It’s not just a simple attitude adjustment.

          My granddaughter (age 10) came over and was wearing her mother’s high heel, knee high black boots with red ribbons down the side (from a Halloween costume) and a knee length tee shirt. She was just playing dress up but my husband went ballistic and told her she looked ridiculous. Told her to change.
          My point is, we learn about appropriate/inappropriate behaviors even from the men in our lives and we learn them at very impressionable ages.
          It’s not just a female “hang-up”. We often learn these things from the men we love and respect in our lives. Then, we are expected to do a 180 when we get ma

          • It seems a little hypocritical of my husband to expect me to act and dress that way for him, yet my granddaughter isn’t allowed to play act sexy. Girls aren’t allowed to learn how to feel sexy, flirty, naughty, until they are married. Bam, then it’s supposed to be automatic.
            Sorry about the soap box, but many of husband’s disappointments with their wives lack of sexual freedom was created, in part, by men.

            • I don’t think it’s men. I think it’s women. Part of the purity culture was that girls just aren’t supposed to think like this. Now of course, girls aren’t to have sex until they marry, but neither are men. Both need to be able to morally express their thoughts and desires and too many mothers have not given their daughters an accurate picture of sex.
              Nick Peters recently posted…My Question To Bart EhrmanMy Profile

              • That’s interesting. I always felt that my mother was way ahead of her time because she often told me that sex was such a beautiful expression of love within marriage. Something to look forward to.

                It was my father who was always nervous when I went out on dates. It was my father who had to approve of what I wore. It was my father who stashed Playboy in his closet. It was my father who made me fear boys motives. It was my father who told me it’s not nice for girls to be PT’s (prick teasers). He also told me girls usually don’t even know when they are teasing a boy so I was to be very cautious of my words, actions, and dress.
                I figured my father would know because he was a guy. It was actually my father, society, and personal experience with boys/men that taught me male sexuality was not to be trusted.
                That’s how I remember it anyway.
                And now, seeing my husband become so upset about my granddaughter’s choice of dress on more than one occasion. Interesting.
                These days though, society has become pretty open as far as sexual expression goes, so maybe the next generations will have it a little easier. Who knows.

                And, who says flirting, being sexually assertive, thinking about sex and initiating are natural expressions of female sexuality anyway? Just because that’s how men would like their wives to express their sexuality doesn’t mean that’s how a woman would choose to express her sexuality personally.

            • When it is outside the context of marriage, yes, but inside, have fun!

              It is a cop-out to say it is disingenuous. That would be like a husband saying he won’t tell her he loves her or is pretty more frequently because “that’s just not who I am…not all lovey-dovey.” It is a total cop-out.

              I am not naturally sexy, provocative, flirty, and kinda slutty. I am feminine, modest, intellectual, and sort of a prude, but with my husband I can have so much fun, I can safely be out of my comfort zone.

              • But Libl,
                You also have a sex drive. And you enjoy sex.
                Sorry to upset you.

                I have never felt sexy, flirty, (I never said slutty), or sexually assertive, heck, I’ve never felt horny. So, for me to act that way feels disingenuous. I can do it, I have done it, but it turns sex into a chore.
                It makes sex worse for me.

                I was trying to convey why some women may feel that way, myself as an example. Some of those thoughts and beliefs are deeply ingrained. Lucky you, you have come to enjoy sexual freedom in your marriage. Keep it up, enjoy and have fun!
                But telling someone who has issues around sex that their feelings are a cop-out isn’t fair. For some of us, Just having sex is out of our comfort zone.

                And yes, therapy may be in order but living in the middle of nowhere often leaves one to figure things out on their own.

                • If I were a pastor doing your pre-marital counseling I would have refused to officiate your wedding until you got your head right about sex.

                  In my wife’s case, she came in to our marriage with an extensive sexual history with many aspects of it kept a secret from me. What little I knew, however, led me to falsely believe she would be forthcoming in the bedroom. What I didn’t realize was how quickly the pressures of children and finances would destroy her libido and how little she would care about its demise. And the guilt of the past led her to see me as part of the problem even though I had nothing to do with her bad experiences with men. Classic bait and switch.

                  • @Mitch – “If I were a pastor doing your pre-marital counseling I would have refused to officiate your wedding until you got your head right about sex.”

                    I agree 100% – but that would require talking about sex, which is far to rare in pre-marital counselling. Of course part of the issue is we all know 80% of them are having full on sex and most of the rest have gone past kissing, and no one wants to jump into that mess.
                    Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Unmerited GenerosityMy Profile

      • @Mikayla – If a man is being fed at home he’s not tempted because what he has with his wife is so much better than anything anyone else can offer.

        Most men won’t cheat. But the ongoing nagging of it gets really old.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Will You Be A Hero or A Roadblock?My Profile

  6. Here’s something else for you ladies to realize what your man is really thinking.

    When you and your husband are watching a movie or TV show and there comes a passionate sex scene, you are sitting there and thinking “My husband is wishing I looked like that. I can’t compete.”

    Your husband isn’t thinking that most likely.

    What he’s thinking is “I wish my wife wanted me like that.”
    Nick Peters recently posted…My Question To Bart EhrmanMy Profile

    • Yep, I agree with Nick. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve been watching a show and a sex scene comes up and I have to get up and leave because that “I wish my wife wanted me like that” thought upsets me so much I can’t watch the scene anymore.

    • Or….if she’s read that infamous “Christian” book that was written to clue women in to what men are thinking, she’s learned that he very well may be thinking…”Oh! That woman is SO much better than my wife could ever be. Let me file this away in my mental file for later. That way, if I’m forced to be with my disgusting, imperfect wife, I can focus on the mental images of this much better woman and enjoy myself.”

      That doesn’t exactly make his wife feel sexy, confident, or even worth anything at all – let alone worth being his wife. Always wondering who he is thinking about when his eyes are closed. So sad.

      I’ve always wondered if that author would be happy to know how much damage she’s done to my life and my marriage. I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt and think she thought she was helping people. But telling me that brutal truth destroyed the little confidence I had left.

      I’ve been trying to find my worth in Christ, and trying to learn to believe what my husband says (even if it isn’t what he actually believes). But it’s hard to get the brutal words that author penned out of my way.

      • Which infamous Christian book are you talking about? I usually don’t believe in book burnings but I might make an exception…

    • Nick Peters
      “Your husband isn’t thinking that most likely.

      What he’s thinking is “I wish my wife wanted me like that.””


      Now that I do feel wanted like that, I see pretty much any sex in terms of Lori and me. If it’s not something we would do, it’s just weird. If it’s something we would do then I’m thinking about doing that with her and will miss whatever comes next in the show.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Will You Be A Hero or A Roadblock?My Profile

  7. The great thing about having a committed, Christian husband is that, no matter how many other women are out there, I’m the one he actually has. It’s me or nothing! And to be honest, sexually, my husband is living the dream. I’m 60, 30 pounds overweight, saggy and baggy but it’s my HUSBAND who makes me feel so wonderful about myself that I’m able to make him feel wonderful too. All I have to do is see how he looks at me and my negative body image goes out the window.

    • Lynn, that is so awesome! I’d wager, though, that you are in the minority. It seems that most women (my wife included) believe their own negative self talk over the most passionate look their husband can give. I wish it were that simple for us! I gaze upon my wife with desire daily, but I’ve been trained to hide it, as her reaction is nowhere near what yours is. :(

      • One thing I noticed while we were making love this morning was how much more handsome my husband becomes during arousal and orgasm. And the way he looks at me? Wow!

        Men know….men know when they choose to marry you that you are going to change and age. I can’t tell you how many men I have heard say they still see that beautiful young bride they married. Just because her skin is wrinkled, her hair is gray, her weight has increased, and her breasts have lost to gravity doesn’t mean that 20 year old bride is gone. She’s still there, full of history and love-making.

        I still have no clue how my husband finds me attractive. I am not the ideal girl he dreamed of in his youth. I am not societally considered that attractive. I can’t understand how he can see so many drop dead gorgeous actresses naked, all those Playboy models he masturbated to in his youth, and look,at me and find me beautiful and sexy. It makes absolutely no sense to me. But, I go for it, anyway. No sense digging a grave for my marriage when I can,dance in the clouds. And it is amazing the changes that have occurred and how much more careful and respectful he is with his eyes since I started going whole-hog with flirty, fun behavior.

        • My wife has a weight problem as well. I want her to lose the extra weight and be healthy as it causes her a lot of pain, but it’s so very painful for her to see the weight and look at me through those eyes. When she doesn’t want to have sex with me because she feels unattractive and ashamed, the main message I get from her is “You are disgusted with me and don’t want me and you’re just like everybody else.” When she does commit to sex and not just duty sex, but real sex, the message is “You are different from every other man and I trust you entirely with this body because you are worth my trust and deserve it and I want to show you how much it means to me.”

          Guess which one of those messages will leave your husband in a better mood.
          Nick Peters recently posted…My Question To Bart EhrmanMy Profile

          • I don’t have a weight problem. I’m an American dress size 2 or 4, depending on brand, but I have bad skin and a not typically considered pretty face.

            • This might be part of why the flirting is working for you. I wouldn’t say I have a weight problem, but I’m a size 8/10 and weigh almost 160 pounds. I am also too tall. I can’t do cute and flirty things like sit on my husbands lap or let him pick me up. I know at my size he might get hurt. He says he won’t, but I would feel just awful if I hurt him. I am far too self conscious to risk squashing him. So I avoid that kind of thing. I know his type is a petite woman. I don’t want to remind him that he settled for such a big girl. That’s what his mom always calls me, a “big girl”. 😝

              • @MeJustMe – I can only speak for myself, but my wife is about your size, and I am only about an inch taller than her. Flirting does not require you to be a certain size or to be “petite”. In my mind, flirting is about playful kisses, lots of laughter and genuine smiles, and a healthy pinch of “naughtiness”. Here’s an example of what I would love for my wife to do: lots of playful kisses, then grab my hand, pull me into the bathroom, lock the door, giggle like she’s doing something naughty, then drop my drawers and go from there.

              • My wife is 200 pounds and I am daily on fire in love and lust for her! I don’t care that she put on some weight over the years. It bothers her but not me. She does not “squash” me either.
                I am blessed. We are both on fire for the lord and for each other. We both flirt with each other and have an amazing fulfilling sex life.
                Ladies, your husbands do not see you as you see yourselves, and does NOT compare you to other women like you catch yourself doing.
                I do not stare but cant help but notice a passing woman who is attractive. Not for a second do I think and compare any part of that passing glance to my wife.
                I do not imagine anyone else ever. My wife fulfills me in every way.

                They way some of you ladies talk, you could be that insecure wife of mine.
                There are some men that don’t fit the bill comparing to my words and actions but many more that do.

  8. These comments are helpful, but very one sided. Sometimes it’s actually the man who has a low sex drive. Sometimes it’s the husband who gives his wife “duty sex” – or what I call “pity sex” – and there is nothing more humiliating. Wondering why, what is so wrong with you as a woman.
    Things here have improved, so I’ll be briefer than usual, but the damage has been done. For whatever reason, stress, depression, or whatever, my husband had a very low sex drive for years. That made my already low self esteem and body image sink to levels that will be very hard to recover from. Not blaming him, but it sure didn’t help. I tried changing, to no avail. I’m convinced I’m simply not his type.
    @Libl, it is great that you’ve developed a playful attitude that your husband adores. Me, I had a playful, flirty attitude, and more sexual confidence than a lot of women, and my husband didn’t seem to like it. Oh he liked it enough when we got married, but then he got bored with me, I guess. Or he started to feel badly that he settled for me and didn’t wait for his ideal “type”. Who knows. I haven’t gained weight, I’m blessed to still look young, so if he went through a period of intense disinterest the only reasonable explanation is that he was never really interested in the first place. That’s a bitter pill for any wife to swallow.
    Couple that with knowing in reality I’ll never compare to the hundreds of beautiful young women that would turn any man’s head, and I’m not really quick to show off what I “don’t got” to my husband.
    Things here have improved. His drive has improved. He constantly calls me pretty and beautiful, and a very small part of me believes him. But there will always be a large part of me who still feels the pain of rejection after rejection, knowing that for so many years he was repulsed by me. I haven’t gotten any younger or prettier, so what changed?
    He does seem to like watching me dress after a shower now, when before he would “peek”, or try not to look, I guess because he found me disgusting. I don’t know what changed.
    Anyway, for normal husbands who find their wives sexually attractive, I can see your point. But for wives like me who don’t quite measure up, and have lived through the rejection and humiliation, it’s safer not to act like something I’m not.
    I was a sexually confident woman who flirted a lot, and all it did was cause pain. Now that he’s decided he likes me again, I’m not sure if I can ever be the woman I was. I worked so hard to squash that part of me. And honestly, there’s a part of me who thinks he’s happier that way.

    If there was any way to know if he honestly found me the least bit attractive, things might be different.

    • I don’t flirt with my husband with high expectations. At first he blew me off. I still got a lot of no to sex. Sometimes, he even laughed at me or ignored me. I did it anyway because I knew it was good. He learned it wasn’t a fad, I wasn’t manipulating him, I hadn’t fallen off my rocker. Now, we have so much fun. We say our marriage itself is foreplay…..and this has only really bloomed recently.

    • @MeJustMe – regarding the part about him “peeking” or trying not to look, I can tell you my perspective. I love watching my wife dress/undress, shower/get out of the shower, etc. But I have gotten enough negative feedback from her (rolling eyes and saying “is that all you ever think about?”) that I intentionally don’t look at her out of respect for her. I find it a little disheartening to wonder if my wife feels unattractive because I don’t gaze at her openly when her comments to me led me to no longer gaze at her openly.

      • Based on comments from my wife to me…

        If you look at your wife, it is because you are a horrible person and a perv.
        If you don’t look at your wife, it is because you are a horrible person and she is hideous.

        Disheartening indeed.

        • Looking at your wife with desire is not disrespectful. Her rejection of your gaze it what is disrespectful.

  9. My Dw is a big girl. I’m talking 200+ for a big part of our marriage. i would still rather see her and and have fun th her than anyone else. In the world there is an expression for this. it’s called Oneitis. In the world of thr PUA, it’s something to be avoided, but in marriage it’s what makes it easy for a husband to say his wife is beautiful, regardless of her comparative beauty. My 85 year old FIL, at his wife’s funeral, first thought and comment to the family was, ” she’s beautiful”.Yes God made men visual, but he also made us so that we cleave to our wives, and be satisfied with them.

  10. When a wife super-imposes her view of what she looks like naked over her husband’s protestations that he loves to see her without clothes, she makes a very big mistake. My mother used to say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Women behold an from entirely different point of view. First of all, they are female, and if they are heterosexual, then they have no attraction to other women. Because men are male (as opposed to female) they are much more visual, and they can get really aroused by seeing their wife unclothed.(They appreciate what they see as a male). Second, ladies, love does something mysterious to the eyes of the one who loves. Did you ever see the old movie “Enchanted Cottage”? He was disfigured and she was homely, but when they fell in love, they each thought the other attractive. Love covers a multitude of flaws.

    Unfortunately, men, most women (I don’t say ALL) have, at the very least a tinge of the opinion that men’s sexuality is stupid and immature, and that we just need to get over it or certain aspects of it. Because they don’t understand it, they dismiss it. Ladies, what if your husband thought that romancing you and spending serious time in foreplay was stupid. One very foolish idea current in the marriage advice industry is that husbands and wives need to understand one another. We need to know WHAT, not WHY. It is impossible for each sex to understand the other! Ladies, if your husband says that he loves to see you naked and you don’t accept it, you are accusing him of lying or you just can’t understand. Take his word for it!!! And rejoice in it!

    And, by the way. I think that Shaunti Feldman is all wet with her idea that men have a mental Rolodex of a multitude of sexual images. Maybe her husband does, and if so, he needs to do some serious Scripture memory and meditation. I don’t think that she did the Christian marriage world any good trotting out this idea. Even if it were true, she would have done better to keep it to herself and her husband. Do I smell sensationalism?

    • I think Shaunti is correct about the visual nature of men as I understand it from reading her books. I actually do have a catalog of visual images n my memory banks. I work in an auto parts wharehouse and find even looking at a part number triggers a mental image of that part and where it is located.
      Here’s the thing where it’d related to sex: In my case I have been with other women than my wife. Not something I’m proud of it’s just the facts. I do have mental images of those women still and when I think of them those images come to mind.The majority of my mental images and my most treasured are of those of my wife and I. After 43 years I can still remember the first time my wife and I were intimate and t is the most treasured mental image I have of my entire life.

    • @Charlie O – I’ve never had a mental Rolodex, but then I have aphantasia so I wouldn’t expect to.
      I know men who say they have that, but not exactly like Shaunti explained it. A woman explaining male thinking is always going to be iffy.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Plant a FewMy Profile

        • @Charlie O – “most women have, at the very least a tinge of the opinion that men’s sexuality is stupid and immature, and that we just need to get over it or certain aspects of it.”

          For some women, we men need to get over ALL of it.

          Therein lies the most powerful attraction of porn and it’s most egregious deception. It is the fantasy of the woman who not only likes male sexuality but actually replicates it in her own behavior. The contrast between that fantasy and the reality of my wife’s dismissive and contemptuous attitude toward my sexual desires is the cause of my current despair.

    • @Charlie O “… most women (I don’t say ALL) have, at the very least a tinge of the opinion that men’s sexuality is stupid and immature, and that we just need to get over it or certain aspects of it.”
      I wonder how true that is? And sadly I suspect it’s far more likely to be true for women in the church than in the world.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Unmerited GenerosityMy Profile

  11. I remember our wedding night vividly, but I don’t have a Rolodex of a host of scantily clad, etc. women that I have seen. My other issue (I mentioned it) with Mrs. Feldmen is the effect that what she wrote will have on wives. Definitely TMI. The book of Proverbs mentions discretion. IMHO, entirely too little in this instance. The wise person keeps his mouth (and in this case pen) shut. Too many woman are already sexually delicate. They are not able to handle this information even if it were universally true. I might tell my wife something about men that I might not tell a roomful of women.

  12. I don’t know. I just don’t get it. I’m sorry. I do let my husband see me, but I shudder to think about what he must be thinking.

    @Charlie O. Says “Ladies, if your husband says that he loves to see you naked and you don’t accept it, you are accusing him of lying or you just can’t understand. Take his word for it!!! And rejoice in it!”

    I wish I could, I really do. BUT I HAVE EYES. I know in this day and age, perfection is everywhere and I do not come close. Why on earth would my husband want to see me, when all he has to do is turn on a TV or walk into a grocery store magazine aisle, or look up at a billboard to see true beauty? It’s hard to believe. Especially given the aforementioned “men are visual and keep records” topic. I agree that the information in that book – it was not wise to share it with everyone. It certainly did me in. Not all women are confident enough to handle such things. I’m sorry if I sound like a wimp. I was called fat and ugly every day of my life growing up (and I was never fat – but whatever). So reading something like that was incredibly destructive to the self worth I was trying to build. And very frustrating to my husband that someone went and told me such things. Because I can’t un-read it, and it very much plays into my insecurities. I’m trying to learn to ignore all of this and learn what it’s like to have worth in Christ. That being said, I still can’t believe my husband actually wants to see me naked. Tolerates it, accepts it for what it is maybe. But wants to? And enjoys it? Highly doubtful.

    Look at it this way. My husband loves steak from the Outback. And I can see why, it’s quite tasty. Does he like steak if I cook it? Sure. As much as Outback? Nope. And I get it. Their steak is just better than mine. And that’s okay. He doesn’t lie to me and tell me he loves my steak the best. He’s thankful when I cook it, he’ll eat it. But does he want it? Not as much as Outback. Does he enjoy it? Not as much as the better steak he can get at Outback.

    So why on earth would I believe that he wants to see my imperfect body, when there are better women everywhere? It just doesn’t make any sense. I have a mirror. I know I am riddled with flaws. I’ve birthed babies. I have never had a perfectly flat tummy. Never. And believe me, I’ve tried! I’m not delusional. I’m sure there are hundreds of women he’d rather see naked than me. He’s just not stupid enough or mean enough to say so to my face.

    I wish I could believe him when he calls me beautiful. I wish I could believe he loves my naked body just as much, if not more than, a perfect woman’s body. But again, there’s that whole pesky – I have a mirror – thing.

    I wish I could do the whole “be thankful for who you are and be the best you that you can be” and all of that. And I know my ideas are not necessarily the best or the healthiest. But I really, really struggle in this area.

    My entire point of all of this conversation is, I think my poor husband would be “shopping on an empty stomach” no matter how many times I let him see me or touch me. Think about it. If he was starving, but all I have to offer him is a stale pretzel, he’d probably take it, but he’d still be hungry.

    • Dear MeJustMe,

      First I just want to say how sorry I am for how you have been treated by your family. That is wrong and you are not a wimp to have deep wounds from that. I’m also sorry that sometimes your husband’s responses have reinforced those hurts. It is important that your husband understands how vulnerable you are and how much you need him to reassure you of his love and make his attraction to you evident. I bet it would be very meaningful for both of you if he were able to think through specific details he finds attractive about you (both physically and otherwise) and write or tell them to you.

      Now, here’s a comparison for you to ponder. Imagine a mother being told that she couldn’t really love to hold and and gaze at her infant because her child is not perfect and can’t compare with all the professionally staged and photographed, perfectly cute and adorable, airbrushed and photoshopped pictures of babies she could easily access on the Internet. The idea seems ridiculous and offensive because it ignores the relationship – it’s HER baby, and that makes all the difference. As a husband, I objectively know my wife would not be in the running in a competition for the world’s most gorgeous super model. But to me, she is the most beautiful woman in the world and I don’t want to see and hold anyone but her. I think it’s very likely your husband feels the same way.

      I recently read a blog post with the excerpt below:
      (It’s easy to be skeptical that the effort [to take care of yourself] is really what matters to your husband. It’s even easier to cynically think, he’s just saying that….but what he really wants is the cute young thing on the magazine cover. But you have to put aside your cynicism and be willing to believe that most men are men of goodwill who deeply love their wives.

      The truth is that he would take you over the magazine model any day. Why? When I ask guys that question they look at me like I’m crazy. Like, “What do you mean, ‘why?!’ Because I love my wife!!”

      It’s you that he loves already! He is not saying for you to become someone you’re not. He does not want to trade you in on a younger model and he doesn’t expect you to remain physically unchanged as you age.)

      MeJustMe, you might be surprised at the source of the quote. It’s from

      If you think you can handle it, you might also find a couple of other posts on her blog helpful.

      Ideas that might help explain why your husband is silent or has a pained look on his face sometimes instead of reassuring or complimenting you. This especially applies when something touches on an area that has been a source of emotional conflict, which I think in your marriage includes sex.

      Ideas that might help explain why your husband’s work consumes so much of his energy and attention. Also, perhaps imagine how you would feel if your husband said you couldn’t really love him because there are so many richer men who could provide for you better than he can.

      I recently was listening to Christian apologist Jason Jimenez speaking about doubt and he said something I think might be helpful to you.
      “We are emotional beings…we are meant as relational beings, made in the image of God, who is a relational Creator… We don’t like people taunting us, putting us down, we want to be encouraged. The problem is when we let the emotion consume us to the point where now reality has become something that’s fanciful. We’ve concocted in our minds something that’s not even true. And when you feed those doubts and that fear your emotions will start creating things that are not even based on reality any longer. And so no matter what people try to do to help you, you then push them away because you don’t want to get hurt, you don’t want to get stabbed in the back any more. And when that happened to you, you now can’t trust anybody else.

      I know this is long, but I hope something in it helps.

      • @Kevin, thank you for the thoughtful comment. I’ll look at the links.

        I found the quote you shared from Jason Jimenez helpful.

        Thank you.

    • @MeJustMe – my wife has voiced very similar thoughts. Frustratingly, she cannot be convinced either that I find her gorgeous and desirable. Part of my attraction to her is that she is “mine”. She is who I chose, and she chose me. But somewhere along the line, self-consciousness reared its ugly head. There was a time when neither of us was self-conscious. We were each confident in our love and desire for each other and shared it without restriction. I still remember a handful of passionate, unrestrained times and know in my heart that the enemy creates this self-consciousness in my wife to keep these amazing, passionate moments from gaining momentum. Somehow, everything else has gotten a higher priority than making love to me. Stop and think what that might do to your husband’s self-esteem. Mine is often shot. I feel undesired. I don’t feel like my wife is attracted to me even though she is the one who constantly tells me she doesn’t understand how I could be attracted to her. I see so clearly that the enemy is happy when my wife feels the way you do, and I feel the way I just described. It separates us from being that young couple with unrestricted passion for one another. It keeps us from being open with one another. It prevents us from growing a stronger relationship.

      • We ladies really really need to hear the men on this. I, too struggle with the same thoughts as mejustme. It has moved from “I don’t get it, it must be true, it is hopeless” to “I don’t get it, but I rejoice and relish it.”

        Also, it must be heartbreaking or upsetting to men to be consistently thought so little of by women. Our insecurities speak volumes of how we see men…as boorish, base, animalistic, opportunistic, shallow dudes who just put up with us to be nice.

        In a world today that allows men to live contentedly as such shallow boors, who can experience “perfect” nudity at the tap of a smartphone, who can hook up for kinky sex at the swipe of screen, who can wave some Benjamins in the air and purchase young beauties to use as they wish, while returning to unattached bachelorhood without stretch marks and babies and mortgage debt and minivans and refusing, insecure wives, it just PROVES how much it means to them to want to get married, to seek a wife, find her in you, marry you, and choose to grow old with you!

        My husband didn’t just want to marry young me. He wants to grow old with me. He loves my gray hair, my mom bod, the corners of my eyes starting to wrinkle. He thinks I look better now than I did when I was a teen when we met!

        I don’t consider myself a 10 at all. (Neither does hubby, by the way. Not on the scale the world uses). But, hubby couldn’t believe a girl like me would be interested in a guy like him. I may not be a 10, but hubby sees more than just subjective hotness.

        I am not the most beautiful woman in the world. Not even close. I am not even the most beautiful woman in my hubby’s eyes. But, I am his treasured wife and beautiful beyond looks and for some reason he loves me and chose me and I choose to accept it with joy.

      • @closertotheheart, I hear what you’re saying. The difference is, I never refused my husband. My drive has always been higher than his. So I know the feelings you’re talking about, only I was the one who was being refused. As you can imagine, that certainly played right into my feelings of low self esteem and worthlessness (as a wife and a woman). I figured the reason must have been that I simply wasn’t good enough, not what my husband wanted, and just too ugly when compared to true beauties.

        You are right, though, that the devil is happy about these feelings. My husband has changed in many ways and seems to have decided he loves and desires me. (Although he claims he always felt that way, but whatever). Still, it’s very hard for me to believe him based on his past low drive, intense preoccupation with his job, and again – that pesky mirror!

    • I’m a plus sized woman whose husband follows her around like a puppy when she’s getting dressed. Its because he gets to touch you too. All his happy memories are wrapped up in you. His kids came from you.
      I read a book that said when you have sex and love on your husband, you’re tying his heart to yours. The more you have sex and the more he is around you, the more he loves you.

      Another way to think of it. Is there a place where you used to go, that if you smell something from that place, it instantly takes you back? Like if you wore perfume in college and you smell it again, you’re taken back to college? Or if your grandpa died when you were little but always gave you mints, whenever you eat those mints, it reminds you of your grandpa?
      Or maybe you could think of it like this. Your husband views you through a filter. Everything in the world is bland to him, but here sees you through this beautiful rose colored filter. So everyone he thinks of you, sees you, hears you, is through that rose colored filter. And every time he sees, hears our thinks of you through this filter, it reinforces the filter and makes that filter stronger.

      • @Molly, that’s great that your husband is so into you. Plus size women can be very beautiful.

        But I have to say, I don’t really like the reason because “he gets to touch you”. I want him to touch me, or look at me, because he WANTS to. Not simply because I’m available. Or worse, because he feels like he has to.

        I guess I’d love to know what it feels like to have my husband really desire me, to want to gaze upon me. For him to be as interested in my body as that of say, an NFL cheerleader. But I know I’m not as worthy of admiration as they are. And so, due to my own hang ups and things that have happened in our past, I don’t know if I would ever even be able to believe he honestly has that kind of interest in me.

  13. Ladies, we can’t fix you. And we can’t always give you what you want for the very reason that you want it. We can’t love you the absolute way that you want to be loved for the very reason you want to be loved in the very place that you want to be loved. We are males! Your husband chose you, and most of us want to make our wives happy. What can a husband do if his wife will not believe his sincere compliments? What can he do if she believes his motives for wanting to touch her and look at her and make love to her are second class motives. We can’t win! But you loose, too–probably more than we do. Please don’t beat yourself up.

  14. I wonder if many of the marriages represented in the comments would be helped if the husband initiated a media fast for them as a couple. Cut out, where possible, tv/movies, social media, blogs, etc. There is unlimited research about why this is helpful for your brain and stress levels, not to mention your spiritual focus.

    Demonstrate that reality is preferred to the unlimited scrolling options to entertain your mind. Cut off the sources that you know are tripping either of you up with distortions about sex and beauty.

    Just an idea. It’s been great for us to do variations of this now and then.

      • @Paul – “He can also help by not looking at other women.”

        Strategies would be helpful. I don’t want to look at other women, but there are (unfortunately for me) many attractive women at work that I have to interact with daily. I try praying, bouncing eyes, etc. But I spend 9-10 hrs a day at work and only a few waking hrs per evening at home. And those few hrs at home I don’t get much visual stimulation from my wife. She’s usually tired, in baggy sweats and not flirtatious with me at all.

        Not to mention, she has a bad habit of overpromising intimacy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been looking forward to promised intimacy with her all day only to get a raincheck because she’s too tired or something “pressing” came up. I’d much rather not get promised any intimacy at all then get pleasantly surprised by her initiating out of nowhere.

  15. Paul, I hope all these folks will check out your post on TGH abut Gnosticism. That helps put a lot of this in a different framework for discussion. We have to remember that in this fallen world, nothing is as it should be, and what we often accept as “normal” is, in fact, almost the opposite of what God intended when He created Adam and Eve.

    Hope I don’t get too preachy, but I’d like to weigh in with Ephesians 5 in mind. The ideal Christian marriage should be a picture of the relationship we have with Christ. As a husband, my role is to represent Christ to my wife. But that also means that, as a part of the Bride of Christ, I can learn from my marriage many things about myself as a believer.

    When I think of the years of sexual refusal I experienced, I’m reminded of how many times I shut Jesus out of my life and cut myself off from my relationship with Him. I’m so thankful that He didn’t cut me off. And when I think of how my wife has a hard time believing I really love her and find her beautiful, attractive, and desirable, I’m reminded of how I doubt the love of Jesus. I wonder how He could ever love anyone as sinful as me, and I almost reject the idea that He really does love me.

    Sometimes I would get angry with my wife for not accepting my avowals of love and attraction, thinking that she is almost calling me a liar when I tell her how beautiful she is and how much I desire her. But then I think of how I react to Jesus’ avowals of His love. Am I calling Him a liar by rejecting that? Is my rejection of His love out of pride? Out of humility? Or am I proud of my (so-called) humility?

    And so I come to Ephesians 5. The wife is to submit to her husband, like I’m supposed to submit to Christ. I know many don’t like the implications of this passage, but then their quarrel is with God’s Word. Anyway, I suspect that if I could ever really love my wife like Christ loves the Church, my wife will have no problem submitting to my leadership. I can help her by modeling submission to Christ.

    And to bring it back to original post, My job as a married man is to imitate Christ in loving my wife. So when I’m surrounded by all manner of visual sexual stimuli, I need to do whatever it takes to stay pure and faithful. And with the Holy Spirit as my guide and strength, I can do that.

    Wives, please examine your motivation when you refuse to accept that your husband really loves you and finds you desirable. And if you will trust him and respond to his desire for you, you will really help guard his heart and mind when he is surrounded by temptations. And husbands, let’s keep encouraging and motivating each other to be the Christ-like husbands we’re called to be, still pursuing our wives with love, even when the response is not what we would like. After all, aren’t we the beneficiaries of Christ’s unshakable pursuit of us?

    • Bobthemusicguy, so much of what you say is very helpful. You’ve given me a lot to think about.

      When you said in your last paragraph, “Wives, please examine your motivation when you refuse to accept that your husband really loves you and finds you desirable.”

      Hmmmm. Motivation. I don’t think there’s a “motivation.” And I wouldn’t say it’s so much a refusal to accept he finds me desireable (which I still have a very hard time believing) as much as a need to face and accept reality. I know all the stuff about “there’s a lid for every pot” and “beauty is only skin deep” and “true beauty comes from within” and whichever cliche you prefer.

      You know the other night I was talking to my husband and I realized, I’m not sure if I even know what it feels like to be loved. He says he loves me, but it’s like there’s a wall there. Maybe it’s easier for women who grew up loved, or told they were pretty, and special. I don’t know. I do not believe anyone has ever liked me (even as a friend) beyond how I can benefit them. I do not think I am pretty, regardless of what anyone says now. I have never been “checked out” by any man, ever, not even once – that I am aware of. My husband says that isn’t true, but of course he’s going to say that. But I have eyes. I’ve seen people give me thousands of dirty looks – men and women – that “ewww, you do not belong here” look. Even in churches. So yes, all of that makes me a little self conscious. A lot self conscious.

      What annoys me is I waste a great deal of time beating myself up, and then my husband says something nice, and the two don’t go together and I feel very confused.

      I feel badly that I cannot believe him. I think he is simply too nice to tell me what he’s really thinking. But I see who catches his eye, and it’s never me. It’s not even women who look like me. They’re usually short (I’m tall) and brunette (I’m blonde) and if they are ever blonde, they definitely have brown eyes (mine are blue). So obviously he is very, very dissatisfied (or just plain bored) with me.

      So there is no motivation, just acceptance. Acceptance of what I cannot change. That I am who I am, and it is what it is.

      On a completely different note, the examples you gave about Jesus’ love have given me a whole different spin on things, and something that I must take a much deeper look at. Beyond my physical appearance into my heart (which isn’t quite right) and into my spiritual life (with which I struggle) – and yet there is no friend, church, Pastor, or counselor or anyone who cares to listen or has the time, and so I must try to delve into this on my own. Perhaps I should stop worrying about who my husband is attracted to (and I get that there are attractive women out there – but I’d like to at least be ON the list!) – and worry more about my spiritual situation.

      • @MeJustMe – “I think he is simply too nice to tell me what he’s really thinking.”
        I wonder if you know what he’s really thinking. Does he say things that indicate that (Wow, look at that hot babe!)? Does he obviously stare at other women? As a man, I know that other women may show up on the radar, in the sense that that come into my field of vision, but that doesn’t mean I’m looking. There is a difference between seeing something and attending to it. Just ask my wife how many times I’m looking straight at something and then ask her where it is.

        Now if your husband is actually showing you, by word and action, that he is checking out other women, that’s a matter he has to deal with. He isn’t honoring you with his eyes and thoughts. But if that kind of evidence is absent, please don’t ascribe something to him that may not be true.

        I believe I remember another post by Paul Byerly, either here or on TGH, about how comparison can be deadly.

  16. @Bobthemusicguy –

    “So when I’m surrounded by all manner of visual sexual stimuli, I need to do whatever it takes to stay pure and faithful. And with the Holy Spirit as my guide and strength, I can do that.”

    I know I already asked this of Paul, but I ask again: how, specifically, do you do this? When I hear a fellow man say “I need to do whatever it takes to stay pure and faithful” my response is, “I guess I’m not as good as you, or not as in tune with God”. “Whatever it takes” is not instructional to me, and men like myself who already feel like they are doing all they know how end up feeling “less than” or somehow further from God than the man who says he does whatever it takes. I think we need specific, real strategies, detailed step-by-step.

    • @closertotheheart – I can’t offer a step by step plan. If I could, I’d be rich and marriages everywhere would be perfect. But here are a few things i do. What you do depends on your personality, your circumstances, and your specific temptations.

      When I was hired as choir director at my last school before retiring, I had an office next to my assistant, and young, fresh out of college, single woman, and there was a door between our offices. I wanted to eliminate even an appearance of impropriety, so I closed the door and put a large filing cabinet in front of it. I put up a “hedge” that clearly stated that I would honor my wife by refusing to even appear compromised.

      When my wife and I walk at our local mall, our route always takes us past Victoria’s Secret. It can’t be avoided. So I look down and carry on our conversation, not even looking at the displays in the store windows.

      I frequently see women at the mall or in the grocery store who are wearing things that leave little to the imagination. I “bounce” my eyes to other things, to my wife if I’m with her.

      I turn off the TV or change channels if something inappropriate comes on even a commercial. Of course, I avoid porn use. A friend of mine who has struggled with porn, gave his phone to his wife and had her put on a password that prevented him from viewing things he shouldn’t.

      When I was still teaching, I daily saw students, and a number of teachers, wearing things that I didn’t want to see. There was a lot of work to discipline my eyes to avoid taking in things I shouldn’t. It’s very tiring, but it’s worth doing to honor my wife.

      I wish I could offer specific help to you, but I hope I have given you something to think about. I hope you’ll find things to help strengthen you on this and other Christian marriage blogs.I know that I did.

      Do you have a friend, a pastor, deacon, elder, etc., in whom you confide? And don’t let yourself get weighed down by the idea that you’re alone in this, or that you are somehow a spiritual failure. I’ve been there, and I’ve felt despair over it. But I know that God WILL lead you through this.

    • @closertotheheart – It’s about our minds. Our eyes do what our minds want them to.

      I used to be very good at seeing flashes of a woman’s body. Watch the woman in the short skirt as she bends down or goes upstairs. Position myself to see down a woman’s top when she bent over. I’d see women who were potentially going to show something and be in the right place to see. That was my mind setting up what I wanted. When I realised how wrong that was, I used my understanding of potential flashes in reverse. I walked away or looked away. I choose the teller or clerk who was not wearing something that could give me a peek. Even when I couldn’t do that, I could choose where my eye landed, and didn’t land.

      It can also look like not using the mall entrance by the linger store. And it certainly looks like being picky about what media we view. At first all of this is difficult. We choose to do what is rihgt, but our flesh still wants to see all it can see. The longer we do it, the easier it becomes.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Bedroom ExpectationsMy Profile

  17. I’m looking forward to believing this about my husband again. I didn’t used to worry about ‘hotties’ everywhere because I assumed that he was as full to overflowing with love and satiation for me as I was for him. We had enthusiastic physical times together almost daily, with lots of flirting and fun, as well as a really great mutual respect and friendship inside and outside the bedroom. I worked extremely hard to keep myself fit so I could be my best for him. Then i discovered that he’d used porn our whole marriage, and that even on days he wasn’t using porn, he’d be surfing for pics of scantily clad young women. Men, I don’t think you realize how incredibly you can shatter and destroy us with ‘just pictures’. Now when some ‘hottie’ is in the vicinity, i feel sick and trembly inside. Not because I have no self esteem…I feel like I look pretty good, and more importantly that I am a fun, complete wife and partner, who should really be enough. But I don’t trust where his mind is going now. It feels like he chose the superficial over me. I don’t get why, at my best, he wasn’t satisfied and still had an ’empty stomach’.

  18. One of the things I love about my wife is how she does care about looking good even if she has gained a lot of weight. Her hair is always pretty and she lets it grow pretty long and she always wears make-up and dresses very nicely. A lot of women at church could stand a better hair style and dress nicer and actually wear makeup. No matter how unattractive you feel you are, you should never use that as an excuse to not even try. I frankly find it astounding how many women who are married put so little effort into their physical appearance. Some of the haircuts are atrocious. Does no one have the guts to tell them how ridiculous they look? It’s not like a more modern and stylish look would cost any more.

    As a man, I want my wife to care about the way she looks because that is one way she shows she cares about me. In her case, however, she has always cared since a lot of her self-esteem earlier in life came from the fact that people thought she was very pretty. Nowadays, it has little to do with making me happy and more to do with habit. But I will take it anyway I can get it.

    The fact is, women have a lot more control over how they look these days. Cosmetic surgery from breast implants to microdermabrasion to tummy tucks to lip injections are all available. I am amazed when I see some of the procedures on YouTube what they are capable of doing for women who see themselves as unattractive. But this also makes me curious about the reaction to these suggestions. Do most of the women commenting on this blog believe these practical solutions are not feasible? Too expensive? What is the opinion of using the technology of the day to enhance what you have to look better and feel better about yourself? Is this offensive to even suggest? Is this capitulating to “toxic cis-male rape culture”? Or is it just easier to tell your husbands to stop being so shallow and accept your looks for the way they are without even lifting a finger to make them better?

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