What Do You Deserve? Fairness

Yesterday I laid the groundwork for deserving certain things from your husband. Today I want to talk about “fairness”.

What does fair look like? I think that varies from couple to couple. For example, if you both work outside the home, then it’s fair to expect hubby to help with cooking, cleaning, and laundry. If he works full time and you’re a stay at home mom it’s fair for more of the household jobs to fall to you.

What Do You Deserve? Fairness

I find that in many marriages the husband thinks he is being fair to his wife, while the wife feels differently. If you don’t feel he’s treating you fairly you need to make sure he knows that. He won’t make changes if he thinks it’s all good.

And what do you do if you tell him and he makes no changes? Let him know you still feel you aren’t being treated fairly, and help him understand being treated unfairly is hurting your love and desire for him.

BTW, I don’t mean to suggest how you divide the workload is the only place where fair comes up – it’s just an easy example.

~ Paul – I’m XY and I do most of the cooking while Lori does most of the laundry.

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5 Comments on “What Do You Deserve? Fairness

  1. I’ve never been big on dividing household chores in a quid pro quo, and, generally, that’s an area where I think we’ve naturally reached a pretty good balance. Some chores we share (unloading the dishwasher, folding laundry, making the bed), and some are definitely his and mine (he does yardwork, I cook). I end up doing almost everything maintenance related, since I work from home — paying taxes, finding workmen, taking the cars in for repairs.

    The bigger thing with fairness for us is discretionary spending. He will go shopping and buy new workout clothes or get a trendy haircut, and I tend not to because I’m watching the budget more closely. I blame him a lot sometimes (like, if I realize XYZ bill is due and we have a vet bill, so I don’t buy anything, then how come he doesn’t realize it before he buys new Nikes for $135?). And then I realize that he never told me not to buy anything for myself and I’m not communicating why I haven’t gotten a haircut in 6 months, and he can’t read my mind. I’d like it if he could juggle all the stuff I do, but he doesn’t and he legit doesn’t care if I scale back or not. In some sense, the unfairness is all in my head.

    • That’s probably a common problem in saver/ spender marriages. It’s hard.

      Atm we have seperated accounts. He pays most of the bills and I put money away in savings.
      He will tell me to get stuff for myself. Specially if I’m agonizing about it for months. Bless his heart.

      When we finally get full time employment our plan is to set up specific descretionary spending accounts. That way we each get a specific sum we can spend that we know is not needed for anything else.

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