I’ve been spending some time on Quora the last few months, and I recently answered this question:

“Do you feel used or cheated if your girlfriend or wife only has sex when she’s in the mood (which is not as often as you’d like to have sex)?”

In my answer, I suggested that this touched on a much bigger issue. If we only do what we feel like when we feel like it, we’re being selfish, not loving.

Here I want to turn the question back to sex, and even take it deeper. I know some of you are the one looking for more sex in your marriage, and this won’t be of any help to you. But if you’re generally the lower drive spouse, the one less interested in sex, this is something you need to understand.

Having sex with your hubby almost every time he asks is good, loving and kind, but that alone won’t make him feel sexually satisfied. And while variety is nice, that won’t fill him up either. What many men find lacking in their sex life is their wife’s full participation. I’m not just talking about initiating, but that is certainly a step in the right direction. 

I understand there are times when you have sex just for him. You have no desire or interest, but you’re completely willing to do it for him because you love him. But how you do it matters a great deal. If it’s done like you would do the dishes, it’s not what he really wants and needs. It takes care of his physical drive, but it’s not the intimate love making he needs. 

I hear women complaining that sex is all about the physical when they make love with their husbands. But many of those same women make sex mechanical and only about his release when doing it just for him. They are giving him what they say they don’t want, and in doing that they hurt their chance of ever getting anything more!

The way to change this is to learn to enjoy his sexual pleasure. Make it better for him because you like making him feel really good. Go beyond release and make sex about making him feel incredible in every way possible. Make sex “just for him more” than making him no longer horny; use it make him feel loved, cared for, and special. 

The next time you know he’s going to ask when you aren’t feeling like sex, choose to take the initiative. Tell him you bet he’s horny, and you want to rock his world. Let him know you’re doing it for him, and you plan to enjoy his pleasure, so he shouldn’t hold back. Then do far more than he needs just to reach a climax.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know from experience how great this can be!

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