Enough Sex Is Not Enough

I’ve been spending some time on Quora the last few months, and I recently answered this question:

“Do you feel used or cheated if your girlfriend or wife only has sex when she’s in the mood (which is not as often as you’d like to have sex)?”

In my answer, I suggested that this touched on a much bigger issue. If we only do what we feel like when we feel like it, we’re being selfish, not loving.

Enough Sex Is Not Enough

Here I want to turn the question back to sex, and even take it deeper. I know some of you are the one looking for more sex in your marriage, and this won’t be of any help to you. But if you’re generally the lower drive spouse, the one less interested in sex, this is something you need to understand.

Having sex with your hubby almost every time he asks is good, loving and kind, but that alone won’t make him feel sexually satisfied. And while variety is nice, that won’t fill him up either. What many men find lacking in their sex life is their wife’s full participation. I’m not just talking about initiating, but that is certainly a step in the right direction. 

I understand there are times when you have sex just for him. You have no desire or interest, but you’re completely willing to do it for him because you love him. But how you do it matters a great deal. If it’s done like you would do the dishes, it’s not what he really wants and needs. It takes care of his physical drive, but it’s not the intimate love making he needs. 

I hear women complaining that sex is all about the physical when they make love with their husbands. But many of those same women make sex mechanical and only about his release when doing it just for him. They are giving him what they say they don’t want, and in doing that they hurt their chance of ever getting anything more!

The way to change this is to learn to enjoy his sexual pleasure. Make it better for him because you like making him feel really good. Go beyond release and make sex about making him feel incredible in every way possible. Make sex “just for him more” than making him no longer horny; use it make him feel loved, cared for, and special. 

The next time you know he’s going to ask when you aren’t feeling like sex, choose to take the initiative. Tell him you bet he’s horny, and you want to rock his world. Let him know you’re doing it for him, and you plan to enjoy his pleasure, so he shouldn’t hold back. Then do far more than he needs just to reach a climax.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know from experience how great this can be!

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44 Comments on “Enough Sex Is Not Enough

  1. Hi Paul,

    I am a woman and I have been reading your blog for years. I believe this is the first time I’ve ever commented, but I have a question this time. Presently, I am separated from my husband of 23 years, however, this was a very big problem in our relationship. I think it is so unfair, and I know it’s not the 1 Corinthian‘s type of love, but how can a man ask for this type of sex and intimacy when he is not doing the same in fulfilling me emotionally? This causes me to not want sex and intimacy with him and just going through the motions and just mechanics. I got so tired of him and wanting his needs met, all the while the woman’s emotional needs are starving!!!

    • @Stephanie – I’ve talked about this over on The Generous Husband. Men who do this are dead wrong, and I flat out tell them they are killing their wife’s desire to have sex with them. No woman can give a man the kind of sex he wants if he treats here that way.
      My post on Quora went this way, making sex one of a number of things we sometimes do out of love. Regularly refusing a valid need is not loving.
      I’m sorry for your painful situation. I pray that someone can get your husband to understand what he is doing and why it must change for your marriage to work.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Non-Sexual TouchMy Profile

  2. Several centuries a ago king tried an experiment. He took a number of orphans, and instructed the ladies that cared for themto nurse them, and care for them in every way with one stipulation. They were not to speak to them. He wanted to see what language the babies would speak. He never found out because they all died. When a loving mother changes a baby’s diaper she coos, cuddles, and talks to her little one. There are husbands dying inside because of the way their wives treat them. There is considerably more to loving sex than simple the act. Most men aren’t even aware of how many emotional benefits they experience when they are loved fully. Love cares about the needs and desires of the other person, and enthsuiastically tries to meet them. Psalm 100 says “Serve the Lord with gladness.” We can even serve our mate with gladness. Cheerfully do something because the other person wants to. There is a very powerful result that comes from purposefully, intentionally, deliberately doing what we consider to be a loving act for another.

  3. All of this should be written in gold. This is wonderful. I wish women would learn it. In J. Parker’s group once and in my own men’s group here on Facebook, I posted a question. Would the men rather have a woman with an awesome body, but little to no passion, or would they rather have awesome passion, with a body that is not the best, a plain jane perhaps.

    Not a contest. Every single vote was for passion.

    Every
    Single
    One.

    Men want passion. We want to know we’re something to be excited about and making love to us is not a duty but a privilege. That also means don’t just give us a quickie to fulfill our physical need (Although there could be a time and place for that), but whenever possible, try to give us all the passion. Be as excited for us as we are for you.

    I know I consider making love to my wife a privilege. I never thought I would get married and now I have a wife I can love and treasure. Any time she shares her body with me I can’t believe that I get to treasure a woman in this way. We men want the same back.
    Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 4/21/2018: Ted WrightMy Profile

    • I would choose a way less attractive woman who was into me, over a super hot girl who I had to talk into the bed any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

  4. It’s like saying you can get full from just eating lettuce, but you will never be satisfied doing that, you’ll have a full stomach and still be longing for something more. My buddy’s wife said something that stuck with me, we were all drinking and talking about how much more exciting sex was when we were dating, and after mention of something specific she said “oh, that’s just something crazy you do in your 20s, it isn’t what you do forever” I had never considered that is how women saw it, most men could not be further at the opposite end of that spectrum……the longer you are together the more wild and adventurous stuff you should try. And hearing that you don’t want to do that with them anymore is where the problems arise.

    • This is actually my major problem with premarital sex. While imperfect, I read a quote once that “women play at sex to get love, and men play at love to get sex.”

      I think men don’t realize that women frequently feel USED when they’re dating and sexually active. They’re doing things they may not like or care about because they’re hoping it leads to someone caring about them (as opposed to the sex acts). It’s not accurate — kind of like a child throwing a tantrum to get attention, when all they get is disciplined — but that’s what happening. They’re doing Sex Act 1 because they’re essentially begging for someone to love them. When they get married, they think they don’t need to play that game any more. The game is over.

      My husband and I were discussing (generally) very sexually explicit or voracious single women, and I said they were broken emotionally and they were trying to fix their brokenness with sex as a proxy for love. He disagreed and said that the women he knew like that sincerely loved wild sex and partying and it was just their thing. I said I would accept that if he could name a single one of those women who had a good relationship with her father. After about a minute, I even gave him a backup — he could name one who actually had relationships which made her happy or one who was otherwise satisfied with her life. Out of the dozen women he was thinking of, he couldn’t name one who had a good relationship with her dad or a satisfying relationship with a man (not necessarily a committed relationship, just one that made her happy) or even a life she was actually happy with.

      • I actually agree with your sentiment to a point. Women use sex as a means to get what they want, now that is a broad generalization….but societally, I think it applies. Once what “they want” is done, they no longer have an incentive to continue doing it. A decade ago our marriage counselor answered my question about how my wife changed so much, his answer was “she’s got you” LOL.

        I have less of a problem with premarital sex, I kind of see it as an imperfect solution to an imperfect world. It’s kind of the nice ideal. TBH, if I found myself single at this point, I’d probably go crazier than I did when I was 21, and would be a lot less likely to get married again, see the “she’s got you” above.

        I think it is kind of like diet. I could design a perfect diet that would never include sugar, or packaged anything, alcohol, caffeine, fast food, butter, etc. If we all ate that way we’d have almost zero healthcare costs. The reality is that it isn’t practical on a large scale, but there will be a few that can do it. In general I would much rather teach my kids how to responsibly manage their choices, and make a preponderance of good decisions, than really getting militantly legalistic. Getting overly bent out of shape about it is how people end up with eating complexes.

        I can name a number of sexually adventurous women who have positive relationships with their father, but I will agree that they are a bit of a minority.

        • It’s not the women alone who are doing the bait and switch — men CERTAINLY do it, too. Eg, paying attention to what the woman is saying, participating in her interests, hanging out with her friends, etc. Men fake in interest in relationships; women fake in interest sex.

          What I’m saying, though, is that men are operating against their own interests (assuming the interest is in monogamous / committed / frequent sex) by encouraging promiscuity and lying about having emotions. Because women want to be loved and desired. That’s their dream. If you teach them that sex is for men for physical release and the “relationship” is predicated on a lie, they won’t as a group associate sex with relationships or love; they’ll associate it with being used and unloved. They may do it when they “have to,” but it will always have a negative association.

          • Of course men do it too, it is just with different things. I’m going to dispute acting against their own interests, as the interest you mentioned would only include frequent sex; monogamous and committed aren’t necessarily the things men want universally, but some do.

            I don’t think it is quite that cut and dry. There are guys women have short sexual dalliances with (read one night stands), but then they hold out with sex in a relationship or with someone “they love”…..that just encourages men to be like the guys they have one night stands with.

          • It is only conscious for a small minority: the actual pick up artist community which is quite the cesspool. Most guys see, this girl wasn’t interested in me, but left with the dude with the Affliction jacket, I need to get an Affliction jacket so she goes home with me. And if it works they will beat the crap out of that drum until it doesn’t work anymore.

            No, you are right about that: no one cares how it will make them feel in the future….they don’t care how it will make them feel the next day. The urge is so overwhelming, you just can’t see past anything else. You don’t care that the girl you are trying to talk your way into her pants will be someone’s wife one day, or that some other dude is doing that to your future wife at the same time, it is just a race to extract as much of the resource from the ground as you can for yourself before it runs out.

      • @sunny-dee – All very true. Over on Quora the mantra about premarital sex is you must try before you buy. The problem with that is what you get before marriage has nothing to do with what will happen after marriage.

        I am 100% convinced the surest way to have great sex in marriage is to not have sex before marriage.

        I do think there are some women who enjoy sex for sex like most men do. But they are a small minority.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Non-Sexual TouchMy Profile

        • What you get in any relationship in the first two years isn’t necessarily what you will be getting ten years later, I don’t know if the wedding ring matters in that. You can flesh out some things beforehand though, if she doesn’t like oral before marriage, she definitely isn’t going to be all about it after…if that is important to you, you might want to figure it out before. Same with money, family, or any other hot button issues.

          I don’t buy your 100% surety on that in any way shape or form. That’s religious nonsense and you know it, plenty of couples who didn’t have sex before marriage have less than stellar sex lives, and plenty of couples who did have great sex lives. I would imagine that the more evenly matched the libidos are, the closer you’d have to great sex.

          I agree with your third point, over the population spectrum the difference is pretty substantial, but there is some individual variation.

          • @mykidsmademedoit – Several thoughts, I’ll use oral as a way of discussing them.

            For women, sex is generally relational. If she has a deep, intimate relationship with a man she may we willing to try things she would not otherwise try, and she will be predisposed to enjoying them. So a woman who says no to oral as a 22-year-old single gal might have been open to it a few years later in a marriage that blesses her.

            On the other side, plenty of women who don’t like oral do it before marriage because they think they must. Then when they get married they stop doing it.

            And then there is the guy for whom oral is important. It’s important because he has had it, or he has watched it in porn till he can think of nothing else. He has created a problem by building preferences.

            It is on these realities, not religion, that I base what I said. Yes, it’s in line with what the Bible “suggests”. I don’t find that surprising given God made us and sex and wants it all to work out. But religion aside experience seems to indicate two sexually blank slates have the best chance of a great sex life. (Of course, blank includes not having a lot of negative junk about sex thrown at you!)
            Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Non-Sexual TouchMy Profile

            • I actually agree with you that two blank slates would be ideal, but that just doesn’t exist…..maybe if you go find one of the uncontacted tribes in the Amazon, but it doesn’t actually exist in the real world and it hasn’t for thousands of years. I would still argue that two evenly matched libidos would do more for sexual satisfaction, as we see sexual satisfaction in marriage goes up when men’s drive tapers off, but this is also a pipe dream.

              • @mykidsmademedoit – I am increasingly suspicious that what we all live is a very long way from what God intended. I don’t think men’s and women’s sex drives are supposed to be the same, but it may be both are supposed to have a very strong drive, just for different reasons.
                I wrote something about this two years ago over on TGH – Getting Back to Holy Sex: What If Women Are Very Sexual? – http://bit.ly/2K52ppk
                Paul Byerly recently posted…Biblical Marriage and Biblical InterpretationMy Profile

          • I disagree that it is “religious nonsense” to assume sex in marriage is better when there was no premarital sex. It is simply common sense when you take into account some relationship basics and gender differences. I think trust is the key for most women to be able to fully let go and enjoy sex, let alone have a wild, passionate lovemaking experience. Knowing that my husband isn’t comparing my body and my technique to other women he has been with frees me to relax with him. So for me, that is critical. Most women (no matter how beautiful) have tons of insecurities about their bodies and sexual expertise to begin with, so eliminating that from the start can only improve the marriage bed. Also, to your other point, yes- a spouse can change their mind about things after marriage. If a wife is focused on her husband’s pleasure she will be more open to trying things she might not like. For instance, the whole idea of oral was distasteful to me at first, but I did it for him. The more enthusiastically I pursued it, the more pleasure he got, & the more I enjoyed the experience. So now I love it too. We’ve been married 32 years now, and after the 1st few years our libidos have rarely matched. Usually one has a far greater libido than the other, and that has flip flopped for us. We just have always tried not to deny the other while simultaneously respecting the other’s current feelings if sick or too tired, or in pain, etc. We usually find that if just not “in the mood”, or distracted, that once we initiate the passion comes.

      • Good point sunny-dee.

        I have known (too many) women who have been raped who have ended up displaying the same type of behavior. Many do try to fix their brokenness with sex as a proxy for love. But if you think about it, if they don’t provide sex, how else can they get a man to pay attention to them and provide the affection they desperately need?

  5. Hmmm, looking at it as nurturing your husband through providing him with sexual pleasure, what a great way to help get your head in the game.

    Will knowing your wife is wanting to please and nurture you sexually, yet doesn’t need or want sex for herself, enough to satisfy you for the long run?
    I just read an article on Bonny’s oysterbed 7 “Help, I’m angry about sex” where she comments about how it might be hard for a high drive spouse to understand that sexual intimacy might not fill our love tanks like it does theirs.
    Can men be ok with a wife who’s love tank isn’t filled through sexual intimacy but who is willing to provide him with sexual pleasure?
    Does that count as feeling wanted?

    • @Jolie “Will knowing your wife is wanting to please and nurture you sexually, yet doesn’t need or want sex for herself, enough to satisfy you for the long run?”

      I met a couple during our travels where the woman is asexual. She has zero interest in sex. She has had a couple of orgasms on her own, but never with her husband. HOWEVER, she knows sex is important, and she does all she can to make it good for him. I don’t know the details of how it works for them, but I know it does work. He is very happy with his marriage and deeply in love with his wife after about a decade together.

      So based on that, yes, I think it could be enough if the man is halfway reasonable.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Non-Sexual TouchMy Profile

    • “Will knowing your wife is wanting to please and nurture you sexually, yet doesn’t need or want sex for herself, enough to satisfy you for the long run?”

      Great question. This is where we are. I’ll just say it’s hard. My feelings about her lack of interest/enthusiasm seem to be highly variable and situational. If I’m thinking about sex and the ideal sex life I’d like to have it can be frustrating and depressing. The need to feel wanted and truly needed physically is almost overpowering at times. This is very hard to explain to a no drive woman. The thought that some women are only responsive and are never really going to want it just plain stinks.
      If I try not to think about my ideal sex life then my wife is wonderful and a blessing from God. Unfortunately, it’s incredibly hard to balance the desire to want a sex life that has curiosity, interest, enthusiasm, passion, and pursuit from both sides with the thought that “she’s only doing this for me.”
      Personal example: I’ve always been a little quick on the trigger with my O. In the past this has not been an issue at all because my wife prefers manual for her and I usually take care of her first. However, we’ve recently had trouble with me reaching orgasm. If I take a little longer I really struggle with thinking that “she’s only doing it for me and she’s just laying here getting nothing out of this.” I’ve tried to explain that some enthusiasm from her would help greatly. No luck so far as she not really vocal.

      • @Coach “The thought that some women are only responsive and are never really going to want it just plain stinks.”

        And yet, it’s looking like that is the norm. That we have such a problem with the norm suggests to me we have all believed some lies about sex.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Hit The ShowerMy Profile

        • @Paul No doubt some of us, myself included, need to have reasonable expectations. Since this blog is aimed at women I’ll suggest a related question on this topic you might address to them. Does being primarily responsive mean you are not expected to ever be curious, interested, enthusiastic, passionate, or persue your spouse? Responsive desire wouldn’t seem negative to many if there was some hope for the above.

          • @Coach,
            My brother-in-law was a high school coach. They had a son. He wanted so badly for his son to become a great football player. His son tried to please his father but, beside the fact that he wasn’t very athletic, his heart just wasn’t in it. It got so bad that my sister divorced her husband.
            There were other reasons for the divorce, but the pressure imposed on their son played a huge part in her decision.
            Their son went on to get a PhD in Physiological biology and has a wonderful career in cancer research. He’s not an athlete, he’s a scientist.
            If I may rephrase your question: “Does being primarily a scientist mean you are not {expected to ?} ever be curious about sports, interested in playing, enthusiastic about how to be a player, passionate about playing, or pursue a career in sports? Being a scientist wouldn’t seem so negative if there was some hope for the above.
            You need to ask yourself why a responsive desire seems negative to you.
            Where does your idea of an ideal sex life come from?
            Why is it so important to you? Is what you want, for her or for you?
            Why is the need to feel wanted and needed physically almost overpowering at times?
            My hubby has trouble with keeping erections/orgasms since surgery. I’m not sure how to respond sometimes. I just follow his lead but I can’t pretend to be something I don’t know how to be. Is there a you tube I can watch to know how to respond?
            Does sexual passion come naturally to everyone?
            Yes, people can try to please but what if they only disappoint? What if they’re never enough?

            • @Jolie
              As someone who is hopefully continuing to mature as a Christian, a husband, and a father I’ve asked myself some of the same questions. I have a son who is into piano and fishing and a daughter who hates competitive sports but loves to dance. I am more than happy with their choices. Too much ball playing is rough on family time anyway!

              You asked: “Why is it so important to you? Is what you want, for her or for you?” As a healthy middle aged man who loves his wife dearly I think its what I want for both of us and our marriage. It can certainly feel selfish at times when only one of us is interested in improving this aspect of the marriage. I think that is something that many higher drive spouses struggle with.

              No reasonable person expects their spouse to become a sexual superstar overnight with just a sprinkling of magic dust. I have reached the point where I try to just be happy with what God has given me. I have a wonderful wife who works herself ragged teaching and feeding our children. She makes herself available to me when time allows. I am satisfied and thankful for our life.
              That said, I’d be ecstatic if she was occasionaly proactive as Ted mentioned below. All she would have to do is read a blog and ask me a question, ask for a certain position or preferance, try something new, suggest something, or show some level of curiousness. You don’t have to swing from the rafters or hope the neighbors can’t hear you to show that you are involved in your sex life.

              • I guess I misunderstood your first post. When you said, “The need to feel wanted and truly needed physically is almost overpowering at times.” And “the thought that some women are only responsive and are never really going to want it just plain stinks.” I was assuming you were upset by the fact that some women just aren’t able to truly want and need sex for themselves. You were upset that some women are scientists when what you really wished for was an athlete.

                This is where I have a hard time, and perhaps other women do to. It’s the “need to feel wanted and truly needed physically” that confuses me. If a woman doesn’t feel a need for sex, can a man’s “need to feel wanted and needed physically” ever be filled by a woman trying to improve their sex life by being proactive, curious, and intentional about sex? If what you really want is for her to WANT and NEED sex for herself, will her being more intentionally sexual (not swinging from the rafters) really be enough?

                I’m hearing mixed messages.

                • @Jolie
                  “This is where I have a hard time, and perhaps other women do to. It’s the “need to feel wanted and truly needed physically” that confuses me. If a woman doesn’t feel a need for sex, can a man’s “need to feel wanted and needed physically” ever be filled by a woman trying to improve their sex life by being proactive, curious, and intentional about sex? If what you really want is for her to WANT and NEED sex for herself, will her being more intentionally sexual (not swinging from the rafters) really be enough?”

                  The root of the issue is how one deals with and embraces responsive desire. Sorry if saying “it stinks” struck a nerve. Where I was coming from was thinking if a woman simply makes herself available and then just lays there never contributing anything, then yes, I do think that stinks. Sometimes I get the idea from blogs and forums that we are excusing women with responsive desire by telling them that just making themselves available is good enough.
                  In my opinion, a woman with responsive desire who is making an effort to be proactive, curious, and intentional about sex is doing more than enough to satisfy her man’s need to feel wanted.

                  • Thank you for that!
                    I so often hear men complain that what they really need and want is for their wives to Need and Want sex for themselves and To initiate on that need. How can a person possibly create a need where one doesn’t exist? Meeting a spouse’s need is another story.

                    Responsive desire is a tough one. It’s much like a man who goes along in life, as usual, then notices that something is bothering his wife so he asks, “Is something bothering you? Do you want/need to talk?” Then he’s all ears, attentive, and willing to listen. That’s being responsive. Until she says something, he’s kind of oblivious to what’s going on. Sometimes he never notices.
                    Responsive desire is not just being available, though that helps. Responsive desire is responding and attentively catching up. Often, you need a reminder or notice there is a need, otherwise, everything is as it should be.

                    I can’t imagine my husband coming up to me, out of the blue, and asking if there is anything bothering me or if I need to talk about anything because he’s willing, able, and available. That would be strange.

                    It’s sad that so many men think their wives are looking for any excuse to not have sex.

  6. I agree with Nick. This should be written in gold and put in the hands of every married couple. So many people (men included) don’t understand how important the emotional and relational aspects of sex are to a man. It isn’t just about physical pleasure.

  7. This is great advice! As a wife, it is so fulfilling to be able to do that for my husband. By focusing on and enjoying his pleasure, our intimacy is intensified and my pleasure is multiplied.

  8. After reading all the back and forth here I thought I’d weigh in with my thoughts. I don’t necessarily think the responsive nature of women is really the issue here. The problem is when in the relationship the wife is rarely proactive in their sex life. I get that she may not have as high a drive as the husband, or if she does she has bought into the lie that good girls aren’t like that. However if a man is left only having any kind of sex when he comes asking, then he does feel very unimportant to the wife. An unsolicited quickie would do help tremendously. For instance, my DW would never hesitate to ask my if I wanted something to eat,or if I wanted some of some kind of drink she knows I enjoy. Why? Because she knows I enjoy it and must eat. Yet it would never dawn on her that sex is just as important to my well being as food. I get that offering sex, or just initiating something even when your not in the mood is much more challenging for a woman. Requires much more emotional investment. Frankly, the same is true of many men where conversation is concerned. Both do many things unbidden, during the course of our relationships we’re not really into, out of love. Why should sex be any different?

    • @Ted – If my wife NEVER initiated sex, but almost always said yes when I asked and then jumped in enthusiastically and made it great, I’d be just fine.
      Yes, I would miss her showing desier and starting something, but that would not be a huge problem if her responce was great.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Nature Calling…My Profile

      • Probably true, however that is not the reality most men live. Nor does it answer why sacrifice in marriage is, be it husband or wife, is acceptable in every area but sex, which was my point.

  9. I am at a loss to know how to process a lot of what I am reading here. Especially the stuff about “responsive desire.” I write a lot of JavaScript and HTML code in my job and there is a term called “responsive design” that has to do with how web pages automatically reformat based on changes to the width of the web page viewport.

    You make a change and the format adjusts accordingly. It is very responsive. When I read about a wife’s “responsive desire”, however, I get the impression that it isn’t really responsive as it is transactional. I give to get. I give her what she wants (romance, attention, time, etc.) and then she gives me what I want (sex).

    Her libido may kick in after the sex starts or it may never really kick in and she will just lay there and be a glorified inflatable sex doll for her husband. But the use of the term “responsive” is just a fancy way of saying “she don’t want it unless you work for it and even if you do she still don’t really want it.”

    That would be my wife in a nutshell. 30 years of “I can take it or leave” in regards to sex. She gets the car, the house, the new kitchen, the cruises, the date nights, the flowers, the candles, the choreplay, the time, the attention and whatever else you can think of and no matter what, none of it translates to sex. She will consent to it on a bi-monthly basis (that’s once every two months not twice a month, BTW).

    But she is a happy camper and loves our financial situation, her friends at church, and her loves her kids and life is good. She tells me I should just be happy and stop ruining everything with all this sex obsession. I care too much about sex, in her opinion. There are more important things in life, after all. Or so she tells me.

    Is that what you would call a responsive sex drive?

  10. Other descriptions of desire are “Pursuing”, “Assertive”, and “High”–generally for the man. For women, “Responsive”, “Willing”, and “Low”. Of course, some surveys are reporting that as many as 40% of wives feel more desire than their husbands. Guys just gripe about it more.

    There is a theory that the man–based on higher testosterone, more physicality and drive–SHOULD have the higher desire. That’s the way nature intended it. In a way, it’s his “job” to pursue, and it’s her “prerogative” to be seduced. (So he has a choice in pursuing sex, and she has a choice in being led into sex, whatever sex is on that day.) Problem is, a man with a sex drive doesn’t feel he has a choice in pursuit. He needs sex like water.

    I think the letter from Ted says it all: “For instance, my DW would never hesitate to ask my if I wanted something to eat,or if I wanted some of some kind of drink she knows I enjoy. Why? Because she knows I enjoy it and must eat. Yet it would never dawn on her that sex is just as important to my well being as food.”

    Guys just get tired of doing the asking, and wishing that wives actually pursued sex like men. But again, it just isn’t their way, in many cases. I can count on two hands in 46 years when my wife has, in effect, said, “Hey, you wanna?” I was feeling like, “Say what?” Yes, I wanna!

    Then, being a guy, I start analyzing why she pursued me. Was I more attentive that day? Did I do more chores? Did I listen better? This is because my wife “performed” the way I would like her to. I want to nurture that performance. I want more of that pursuit.

    Doesn’t work that way. I’ve even asked her. “Remember that time over at your aunt’s house?” She’ll laugh and say, “Will you get over that?” She has no clue the power she has over me, if she takes the lead, even once a year. But asking her to pursue is like back in the day when she told me, “If I have to ask you to clear the dishes, I’d rather do it myself.”

    You see, asking her to take the lead is still taking the lead. You’re just wanting sex, and you want her to ask for it, rather than just accepting your role as the initiator.

    One of the worst arguments we ever had was over lube. “We’ve” always needed it, and in many years, “we’ve” tried one after another. It’s a couple problem, because if “we” are going to have sex, “we” had better have lube.

    So one night she says, “Did you get your equipment?” I said something like, “Did you ever think of getting it?” “No,” she says, “That’s your job.” I took it to mean, “you’re the one who wants this, so you need to bring your tools.”

    And there’s the rub: Are both people seeing the benefits of a good sexual relationship? Can both people see the advantage of taking a leadership role, even if it is usually the man’s role to start things off? To me, it means both people have to grow up in marriage. Sex is to the benefit of both members of the marriage.

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