Be Blunt About Sex

If you want something sexual from your hubby, or you want sex to happen differently, you need to be blunt about it.

I’ve told you men are bad at hints in general, and it’s even worse when it comes to sex. Studies have found that single men greatly overestimate how interested in sex a date is. Other studies have shown most married men underestimate how much their wives want sex.

My guess is the first leads to the second. He slowly figures out much of what he sees as a hint, or an outright invitation, is not. Even if he doesn’t sleep around before marriage, once he is married he quickly realises much of what she does that he sees as a come-on is not that to her. If thinking she wants sex when she doesn’t causes problems, he will quickly decide to play it safe and ignore anything other than a clear offer or an unmistakable flirtation.

Beyond just getting him to have sex, blunt is also the way to deal with sexual problems. If he leaves you hanging, let him know you want and need to climax. If you say nothing he can assume you’re okay because if you tried to stop before he was done he would be very fast to protest. Likewise, if he is too rough, or is not touching the right place, or is doing something that doesn’t make you feel good. Because society says men are supposed to know all about sex most guys will fake it, and the odds of that being what you want are close to zero. Be loving and gentle, but be very clear about what you want and how you want it. Also be clear about what you don’t want and what is doing nothing for you. If all else fails, show him how to do it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like blunt!

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26 Comments on “Be Blunt About Sex

  1. I wish men weren’t so bad at hints. I think I read my husband wrong a lot. And I have to be careful with being direct, because if he even thinks I’m criticizing him in the least little way, he gets upset and often down on himself.

    Long story short, I was the initiator for almost all sex in our marriage. He got stressed, I kept getting rejected, I read that was backwards (most men initiate and pursue their wives – not vice versa), so I stopped initiating. I started hinting – but mind you these hints were SO OBVIOUS you’d have to be paying no attention whatsoever to miss the hint. He basically missed (or ignored) every hint. I took this as confirmation he was no longer interested in me.

    Through a long series of events we’ve started working things out. He is interested, but I’m still leery of initiating. What woman wants to have to beg for pity sex? Not me. He says it’s never pity, but that’s a story for another time. Because I have a much higher sex drive than he does, I still hint, but he isn’t interested so he misses the hints! And I feel stupid and take things I’m willing to do off the “list” because I’m sure if he misses the hint that means he is not interested in what I wanted to do.

    For example (without being too descriptive) the other day I did something incredibly flirty and sexy. There was really no way to misconstrue what I was indicating and willing and hoping to do. Prior to this we had been talking about an issue involving folks we know. I had moved on. He kind of ignored what I was doing and started talking about the issue again. I apologized for what I was doing. He acted clueless! He said “I thought you wanted to talk about xyz” I said “I moved on from that. I’m sorry I did “this”. I thought you would’ve liked it. I won’t do that again. Sorry I tried that, don’t worry, I’ve mentally scratched it off the list. Sorry for being too forward.” He then got upset! He actually tried telling me he didn’t realize what I was hoping for. Yeah right. If another woman had done it his eyes would’ve popped out of his head. He tried saying he thought we were still talking, but that’s just a nice way of saying “sorry, I’m not interested, you’re not attractive to me anymore.” He doesn’t have to worry, I will never attempt that sexual thing ever again. It’s not worth the rejection.

    Then I start to wonder, have I really been rejected 10,000 times? Or is it only 5,000 and the other 5,000 he just missed the obvious hint?

    And if I dare mention later when he asks what’s wrong that I get really embarrassed when he rejects me and I wish he’d just come out and tell me “honey stop trying, I’m just not that into you” He gets upset and tries to act like he never rejected me??? Sometimes he’ll even try saying “I didn’t know that’s what you wanted.” Um, not buying that for a second.

    And if I don’t climax from sex, even if I don’t tell him, he gets really, really, really upset. Fortunately we don’t struggle with that too much, because him pouting if I don’t climax is very unsexy. And if I say “just try this” or “this will help” I think he gets all down because he thinks he’s supposed to be able to just make it happen every time.

    I wish he’d read your blogs. They’ve helped me and I think they’d help him. But because I turned to blogs when I was trying to find help when he was rejecting me for years and because I was so sad at that time, he blames a lot on what I read. (His family of origin is more of a “ignore your problems and never talk about them and maybe they’ll just go away” kind of family).

    Anyhow, I wish it were as easy as being blunt, and I wish my husband were better at getting hints OR that he was sexually attracted enough to me so that he wanted to initiate more.

    • @MeJustMe – “I said “I moved on from that. I’m sorry I did “this”. I thought you would’ve liked it. I won’t do that again. Sorry I tried that, don’t worry, I’ve mentally scratched it off the list. Sorry for being too forward.” He then got upset!”

      I would too! You completely over-reacted IMO. He’s just figuring out what you meant and you’re already scratching things off of lists that he was clueless about. For all you know, once he realizes what you meant, he might actually want to do those things, but you saying you’re scratching it off the list and won’t do that again takes away any choice he may have had in the matter.

      When your husband appears to be clueless, you need to take him at face value. I’ve read previous comments from you and you seem to have a tendency to jump to conclusions and judge him based on how you would react. You didn’t marry yourself, you married someone who thinks and acts differently than you. You HAVE to have more grace when dealing with situations that are obvious to you but not to him. Of course they are obvious to you! You’ve got it all figured out in your head, but he’s not you nor can he read your mind.

      • @closertotheheart, maybe. But he’s really, really, really smart! Way smarter than me. Anything I can figure out he can figure out faster. He’s a really smart guy.

        But I’ll think about what you’ve said.

        • @MeJustMe – my wife also thinks I’m a really smart guy. But when it comes to figuring out a woman’s hints, I’m as dumb as the next guy.

        • He can be brilliant as a man BUT that does not mean he thinks like a woman! I’ve said this before: if we can realize that we are as different in every way as we are physically…
          Give that man some grace and receive some for yourself too.

    • @MeJustMe you aren’t married to another woman, give your husband the benefit of the doubt. If he tells you that he doesn’t realize what you are doing, he’s likely being honest with you. Don’t attribute a lack of value to your relationship because he doesn’t get things that seem obvious to you.

      • @mykidsmademedoit, I don’t want to get too descriptive here, but what I was doing was really blatant and super obvious. There is really no way it could have been misconstrued. I think he just wasn’t interested.
        So I’m kinda okay with that. I get it that I’m not 30 anymore. But if I try something and it’s a fail, then no, I’m not going to try it again because I’m just setting myself up to fail, and I also might be making him feel bad.
        If it had been a “hint” I could kinda see your point, but it was crazy obvious.

        • I would bet large sums of money that I, or any other guy, would not find your signals nearly as overt as you do

  2. I tell women they just need to be direct and say it. For instance, I know there have been three times in my marriage of nearly 8 years when my wife has been in the mood and she was sending me hints and I missed them and thinking about those three times I…..

    Excuse me.

    I have to stop and go and cry somewhere….
    Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/5/2018: J.P. HoldingMy Profile

  3. My husband used to reject me a lot. Come to find out, he thought I was playing games with him and got frustrated.

    I would say that I was initiating sex, but I,was really initiating for him to initiate sex. I saw it has getting in the car on the passenger side and letting him know I wanted to go for a ride. He sees initiation as being the driver. So, I would flirt, dress sexy, grope, etc, but as he waited for me to take charge. I thought he would rev up and tackle me in return. So, we both would end up not having sex and being mad at each other.

    We had to agree to straight out ask each other. Now, we have set times. Or we just ask.

    • This is a really, really interesting observation. I bet you my wife sees it the same way, her signals are indicating interest so I would actually then do the initiation. That will spark an interesting conversation later….

    • Ooh you have made me realize I have done exactly the same thing with exactly the same results! We would even play the blame game the next morning.
      We have learned to be more straightforward and will even ask the other “you are serious and want…”

  4. What most women think is “so obvious” is way more subtle than men would ever expect another guy to get. My wife thinks that “come upstairs and rub my back” is absolutely crystal clear, it took me probably three years to figure out that was her “come on”. Crystal clear to me is come downstairs naked or in lingerie, or go straight to foreplay without asking me. That is what a guy is looking for as a sign. When I explained it to her, she was legitimately shocked, and said that made her uncomfortable. What I found funny was this wasn’t shocking or hard to understand when we were dating, but after years of marriage she seemed to think that I was somehow different. On the other hand, I had to work really hard to learn what her “signals” were. Eventually we come to happy medium where she’s much more forward when she wants something, and I’m more perceptive on the other days.

    • I have used the “come rub my back thing” too thinking it’s obvious. 😳😁 I feel strange being more obvious like coming downstairs in lingerie or naked too. If I knew why-I’d share. But I honestly can’t put it into words. 😔

    • With my luck, the one time my wife actually just wanted a back rub and nothing more would be the one time I took a chance and acted on my suspicion that she was coming on to me. Then I’d get shut down and never make that assumption ever again.

      • Usually if I want just a back rub I’ll sit on the end of the couch and ask for one. If I ask him to come upstairs it’s something more. But I guess being completely clear on what I want is something I need to work on. For both our sakes.

      • @closertotheheart – And that is the problem. Most men have misread something as an invitation when it was not. It only takes a couple of those to convince a guy to ignore anything short of waving a “take me now” flag.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Who’s In Charge?My Profile

  5. Here is a short list of “mistaken” hints that my wife has dropped (in that I misread her as being very blunt about wanting sex when she actually did not, and then she is bewildered by why I think the wrong thing) enough times for me to ignore them as red herrings:

    Full / Partial nudity around me
    Deliberately flashing me
    Wearing just underwear / swimsuit coverup / revealing clothes
    Wearing most of her lingerie (except for one particular piece)
    Grabbing my genitals
    Sensuously hugging/kissing me (e.g. hands up my shirt)
    Talking/Joking about sex
    Full-body snuggling
    Rubbing against me / playing “footsie”
    Innuendo such as “I’m ready for you-know-what” (meant a pizza buffet on at least one occasion)
    Playing “Baby I want you” style music when I am near
    Hints along the lines of “buy this thing” or “cook this food” or “lets do this” = “happy wife” (If you know what I mean wink wink nod nod)

    Just to say that marriage is about learning to read someone (there are other clues that do indicate “I want sex” from her, but also what is “blatantly obvious” for one person may not be for another).

    • Flashing & not wanting sex devolved into a full blown fight several years ago, I honestly thought I was unique in that

      • @mykidsmademedoit – When she wants sex she is showing her body to get sex. But other times she shows her body she is not looking for sex. She knows which is which, but the guy has no idea.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Who’s In Charge?My Profile

  6. Looking at the comments here, I am further convinced women don’t really know men like they think they do. We are often oblivious to anything but outright statements and requests. The other point also is that if a man seems oblivious, it could be he thought he knew the right answer once and when he tried, he got the riot act read to him so he learned to not bother again.

    Women really have no idea I think how much sexual refusal hurts men. It’s one of the deepest cuts we can get.
    Nick Peters recently posted…Book Plunge: Evidence Considered Part 21My Profile

  7. @Nck, I’m a woman and I know how much sexual refusal hurts. I have been refused hundreds of times. Maybe some of those times were “missed hints” – but many of them were outright refusal. Now imagine how painful it is when everything you read tells you how much men crave sex, how much they feel loved through sex, how much they want sex from their wives. But your husband doesn’t seem to feel that way. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, along with the constant wondering “what is so wrong, so repulsive, about me?” So yes I think I can say I do understand the pain of being rejected.

    I’ll concede that perhaps I don’t know how men think. But we are talking over-the-top obvious here, not vague hints. What I did the other day left no room for questions. And I think that if a woman he found more attractive than me did the same thing, he would have caught on and jumped at the chance in a heart beat. Granted, he claims he thought we were still talking about the issue we’d been discussing, but really, I had obviously moved on. I just think I don’t attract him that much. I believe if a more attractive woman had done what I had done, he would have sat up and taken notice. I think maybe he’s just not that into me.

    So yes, I have scratched it off the list. Why on earth would I want to do something that sexy ever again, only to be shot down and basically told “sorry honey, you’re just not good enough.” I don’t think so.

    What is very sad is, he doesn’t even seem to realize the abundance of things I’ve been willing to do and share with him that when he’s “too tired, too stressed, or too just not that into me” tells me never to try that again. Doing so will only make me look foolish and pathetic. It’s not that much different than what some of you guys have said here, only with the genders reversed.

    I know you shouldn’t compare, but sometimes I wish he’d read some of these comments and maybe he’d realize what a blessing a sexually adventurous wife can be. But in fact, I think he sees me as more of a hindrance. Almost like I make him feel badly for not desiring me the way other men desire their wives. Who knows.

      • So are you saying the solution is to just keep asking plainly, and keep getting rejected, and just deal with the rejection on the hope that every fifth time I ask plainly he might be in the mood?

        I’ve taken a lot of rejection, but even I find that hard to take. I think the sexual issues in marriage, especially mismatch, are maybe just not overcomeable. In my opinion the low drive spouse (in my case my husband) has all the “power” (for lack of a better term).

        Things here have gotten better since I have tried to stop figuring out the “why”. I think he is much happier now that I’ve backed off and I just let him keep working once he comes home and I don’t bother him much at all. I don’t complain anymore, and I’ve become a master at masking my sadness and disappointment. He thinks I’m happier. I’m happy that he’s happy. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will never know what it’s like to feel beautiful, or even attractive, and certainly not desired. I try to push sex from my mind. I go running a lot. I clean a lot. Our sex life will never be what I long for, but maybe it’s just not meant to be. As I said, my husband is a lot happier thinking that I’m happy, too. And he has the added perk of not having to have sex unless he really, really wants to. Which is less than once a week, whereas I would like to be with him at least every other day.

        I think he felt a little sad before, knowing I felt ugly and unloved in large part due to his lack of sex drive. Now when he says he loves me I smile at him, whether I believe it or not. I still wish I was “enough” and he’s always refused to admit what the issue is – that I’m not pretty enough, thin enough, short enough, big-butted enough – it could be any of those things. But one thing that helped a lot was when I stopped trying so hard to figure it out and just let him be.

        I think it’s sad that there are husbands that want more sex, and then wives like me who are willing to do so much more, but have husbands that couldnt care less. I guess that’s not entirely fair, he does enjoy sex very much when we do have it. But he wants so very much less than I do and that makes me feel so “wrong”.

        So all of that to say, no, the constant straightforward asking and taking hit after hit of rejection gets to be too much. I’ll stop with the flirting and the hinting and the sexy behavior since you all are telling me that’s a waste of time since he doesn’t pick up on it. He does seem happier since I’ve stopped talking about sex so much, maybe he’ll be even happier if I stop being flirty and sexy.

        I really do want his happiness. I just wish he could find as much happiness in sex with me as I do with him. But I’ve got to find something else to do because I waste way too much time thinking about this.

        • @MeJustMe – I’m saying there is ask and don’t ask, there is not hinting.

          I know being “turned down” when we hint is a bit less painful, but in the end it’s really not much different. The real issue is if you don’t ask and he doesn’t say no then he can tell himself he is not refusing you. If he says no five days in a row then he can’t tell himself he’s not rejecting you because he is so clearly rejecting you. Don’t let him sideline you into something less clear, make him own it.

          Will that change anything? Might not, but it does make the situation crystal clear.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…How We See Ourselves Is A Big DealMy Profile

        • I do get it, being rejected sucks regardless of your gender. Paul is right though, it is not rejection if you didn’t specifically state it: both of you are stone sober and you clearly ask in plain English “ I want xyz in abc time period” the only two responses to that are “yes” and “no”. Is it awkward? Yes, it is. Making your spouse tell you an emphatic “no” makes them acutely more aware of how much they are actually rejecting you.

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