Sex Should Not Hurt!

Sex should not hurt, and if it does something needs to change.

That may sound obvious, but apparently, it’s not. A study done a couple of years ago found 30% of women experience pain during intercourse, and the majority don’t tell their partner about the pain.

Sex Should Not Hurt!

A bit of discomfort here and there is normal, but pain is not. Putting up with pain makes sex less enjoyable, and it makes you less willing to have sex in the future. It’s bad for you, and it’s bad for your sex life, and both of those make it bad for him.

The most common causes of pain are lack of lubrication and the man being too eager. Yes, your vagina is designed to accommodate him, but it can take a few seconds, especially if he is well endowed. Teach him to enter slowly and wait for a few seconds before he starts to move. His penis is far tougher than any of your bits, so you need to educate him about how delicate you are.

As for lube, most couples would do well to use it every time. No thinking or checking, just do it. Unless you never have a lack of lubrication a “just lube it” rule can eliminate problems. One good way to encourage the use of lube it for you to apply it to his penis, with far more stroking then necessary. Make this the last thing before penetration a few times and I bet he will be looking forward to it in no time! (Check out the wide range of lubricants over on Covenant Spice.)

One other thing, because I know it’s a common issue these days. Seventy-two percent of women say they experience pain during anal sex. As compared to pain from vagina intercourse it is more common, more likely to be moderate or severe, and the pain lasts for a longer period of time. There are a lot of folks out there who say “Done right it doesn’t hurt.” Be that as it may, the reality is most women find it painful. If it hurts you, tell him no.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and if she’s in pain I’m not enjoying it!


Pain experienced during vaginal and anal intercourse with other-sex partners: findings from a nationally representative probability study in the United States | PubMed

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13 Comments on “Sex Should Not Hurt!

  1. Sex was grit-my-teeth painful for a year after one of my children were born. It was one of those “you just have to wait until it gets better” things. I never told my husband. I just but my lip and endured. Why? Because I was indirectly taught growing up that a woman’s pain, fear, and discomfort of sex is a shame and man will not put up with losing his sex partner. You push through for the sake of him and the marriage.

    I also made sure to lose my virginity completely on my wedding night. The next morning I was bleeding bright red and coukd barely walk it hurt so much. But, at least my husband couldnt complain to his buddies that we couldn’t have sex.

    I am making sure my kids know otherwise.

  2. I’m sure many of us have unfortunately done exactly like Libl! I was fortunate to not experience pain on our wedding night, but after our first child, with an idiot male doc telling me that 4 weeks was enough time to recover, I did the same thing and gritted my teeth through it, not telling the gentle man I married how much pain I was in. I hope young wives learn from you & your dear wife and avoid the mistakes many of us made. A caring, gentle man should always slow down enough for the pleasure to not be discounted by discomfort.
    Yes to lube. Always.

  3. I had some problems with painful intercourse at the beginning of my marriage. I had a hard time telling my husband to stop because I didn’t want to disappoint him. I thought how I would hate to be stopped during sex and didn’t want to do that to him. Didn’t occur to me at the time that if he had been hurting during sex I would absolutely have wanted him to stop so we could hopefully fix it or do something different. Even not having sex would be preferable to hurting my husband for sex. I think my husband felt the same way. He felt guilty and upset when he found out I had been hurting and not telling him.

  4. How do you get past the fact that is does hurt. To be honest, since I got married it has considerably hurt my relationship with God because I experience pain and my husband never has. Add that onto our pastor talking about how pain the first time you have sex is a good thing because tearing the hymen and bleeding creates a blood covenant (which I have NEVER heard in the Bible and would therefore invalidate any couple who didn’t bleed either from not being a virgin or just not bleeding), which really messed me up, especially because that would mean God created Eve like that before the world ever needed blood sacrifices or covenants because everything is perfect. It makes me feel distant from God, my husband, and just really upset, even when sex does not hurt because it feels like things were creates so so so unfair because men have it so easy. Women in pain is normal in society and doesn’t even phase anyone. It is expected on the wedding night. Why can’t we teach people to take it slow so it does not have to hurt, the woman does not have to bleed because they hymen can be slowly stretched to avoid pain and bleeding. And how do I get past this?

    • Every time I think that the Christian world has finally crawled out of the dark ages, someone posts something like this about some nonsense their pastor says……SMH. Tell your pastor that auditions for the Scopes Monkey Trial were 93yrs ago

    • @JessicaHill – I agree with you. Lori has told a number of women how to stretch themselves before the wedding. But some men, and even some women, think that is cheating! It’s also possible for the husband to do it. Learn to pleasure each other by hand while he slowly stretches her.

      That said, for most women, the pain is not significant and is short lived. For them, I doubt it’s a huge issue long-term. But for some it’s far worse, and that could really be a problem.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Two Fingers of PleasureMy Profile

    • Oh my, @JessicaHill, I don’t usually argue with a Pastor, but I’m going to have to say I’m pretty sure that is very wrong.

      I am a woman. When I was seven years old, I had a freak accident that tore mine. It was a bad fall and a bad landing and there was a good bit of bleeding from that area. It scared me and it kinda scared my parents, too. But it was just an accident.

      I tell you that because there was no tearing or bleeding on my wedding night. Does that mean I didn’t make a covenant with my husband? Of course not! I wasn’t “bad” or “broken”, I just tore in an unusual way. I think what your Pastor said might not be accurate. I’m sorry.

      On another note, yes, sex hurts sometimes. For me, it hurts in my husbands favorite position. No, I do not tell him. I don’t want him to be upset, feel badly, or miss out on what he likes. He has a much lower drive than me to begin with, so I need to be careful not to do anything that would disappoint him. I also want him To enjoy sex as much as possible. I’ve learned to hide it because I really want him to stay happy.

  5. Jessica Hill, I was saved in 1961, have been in the ministry for almost 44 years, and I have never heard such nonsense as your pastor is peddling. The last Scriptural blood covenant that God intended was made when his Son died on the cross for our sins. Even in the Old Testament there was no blood covenant between husband and wife. Paul was right, sex shouldn’t hurt on a regular basis. A husband should take lots of time, use all the artificial lubrication necessary, and be gentle. The wife should not hide pain from her husband. Unless he is a very selfish individual, he would want to know.

  6. It may be Jewish, but it isn’t Biblical. What are random Jewish ideas doing in the church? Living in a large city with three Hasidc communities near me, I am fairly conversant with quite a few ultra-orthodox sexual practices. No Christian pastor should be teaching their concepts as being from God. I could trot out a number of them that Christians would want nothing to do with.

      • Paul, I have no complaint with you. My problem is that a supposedly evangelical pastor would do the same thing that Jesus condemned in the religious leaders of his day: Making the religious traditions of man equal to the Word of God. This is reprehensible to the max!

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