Sex Ain’t Fair!
Some men’s comments on a recent Generous Husband post reminded men how different sex is for men and women, and how most men don’t get that.
Most of you have no doubt figured out that arousal and orgasm are far easier for your husband than they are for you. While the degree of difference varies from one couple to another, this is almost universal for men and women.
It just isn’t fair!
What makes it harder is most men don’t begin to understand how much more difficult sex can be for women. Even worse, some men blame the woman, as if being frustrated or left hanging is somehow something they want.
I understand why men do this. It’s human nature to assume others are as we are. Sex is easy for us, so it should be easy for you. Unless he’s told otherwise, this is how it is. I do my best to tell men about this. If your husband isn’t reading my blog or some other source that will educate him about this, then it’s going to be up to you.
You’re Not Broken
First, let’s establish there is nothing wrong with you. God made you this way. I realise that’s frustrating and I’ve heard women say it has caused them to be at odds with God. I think God did this because He wanted sex to be more than two minutes of wild passion. If you both got aroused just because, and you both orgasmed quickly, sex would be easier, but it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun. And if you both functioned the way women do, sex would be fantastic when you did it – every few months. The mix of the two can be frustrating, but when you both figure it out you can have a really great sex life.
He’s Not Broken Either
If you make it sound like he’s broken, he’s not likely to listen. He is also as God made him. The goal is for the two of you learn how to make it work. That will mean both of you will have to move a bit from what seems easy or natural. Odds are he will have to do more of that than you, but let him figure that out as you go.
So tell him you’re frustrated because you’re not built to get horny as easily as he does, and reaching climax is more difficult for you than it is for him. Tell him you want to find ways to make sex better for you, and better for him along the way. Then start talking about foreplay and arousal. Teach him that both your body and your mind need to be aroused for good sex.
If you can’t orgasm from intercourse alone, and that is the norm, let him know. Talk about your orgasm happening before or after intercourse, and ask him which he would prefer. You can also suggest trying a vibe between your bodies during face to face sex. A good way to suggest this is to tell him you have realised you will never come from intercourse alone, but you still want to try to orgasm during intercourse and you think this might do it.
Tell Him You Want It!
You will need to be totally honest about when you do and don’t want an orgasm. If you really don’t want or need an orgasm some of that time, that’s fine. Some women are this way. But other women want to come every time, and if that’s you then your hubby needs to know that. Regardless of which camp you’re in, you need to secure hubby’s help with giving you the pleasure and release you need when you need it. Make him your orgasm hero, fighting the dragons of distraction and worry so you can come. When it’s a difficult battle thank him for being your hero.
I realise some men are more willing to work on this than others. As I’ve shown above how you approach him can help. If he just doesn’t care there are no great options. Personally, I’d be tempted to lie there next to him and take care of yourself while he’s trying to sleep, but I realise that’s an emotional minefield for you. I do think it’s fair to tell him that his not caring about your sexual needs is hurting how you feel about him and reducing your interest in sex. Maybe that moves him, maybe it doesn’t. At least it tells you where you stand.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m saying no woman left behind!
Great Article: 4 Truths You Need to Know About Your Son and Visual Temptation This will both help you understand, and show you ways to help.