Sex Ain’t Fair!

Some men’s comments on a recent Generous Husband post reminded men how different sex is for men and women, and how most men don’t get that.

Most of you have no doubt figured out that arousal and orgasm are far easier for your husband than they are for you. While the degree of difference varies from one couple to another, this is almost universal for men and women.

It just isn’t fair!

Sex Ain't Fair!

What makes it harder is most men don’t begin to understand how much more difficult sex can be for women. Even worse, some men blame the woman, as if being frustrated or left hanging is somehow something they want.

I understand why men do this. It’s human nature to assume others are as we are. Sex is easy for us, so it should be easy for you. Unless he’s told otherwise, this is how it is. I do my best to tell men about this. If your husband isn’t reading my blog or some other source that will educate him about this, then it’s going to be up to you.

You’re Not Broken

First, let’s establish there is nothing wrong with you. God made you this way. I realise that’s frustrating and I’ve heard women say it has caused them to be at odds with God. I think God did this because He wanted sex to be more than two minutes of wild passion. If you both got aroused just because, and you both orgasmed quickly, sex would be easier, but it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun. And if you both functioned the way women do, sex would be fantastic when you did it – every few months. The mix of the two can be frustrating, but when you both figure it out you can have a really great sex life.

He’s Not Broken Either

If you make it sound like he’s broken, he’s not likely to listen. He is also as God made him. The goal is for the two of you learn how to make it work. That will mean both of you will have to move a bit from what seems easy or natural. Odds are he will have to do more of that than you, but let him figure that out as you go.

So tell him you’re frustrated because you’re not built to get horny as easily as he does, and reaching climax is more difficult for you than it is for him. Tell him you want to find ways to make sex better for you, and better for him along the way. Then start talking about foreplay and arousal. Teach him that both your body and your mind need to be aroused for good sex. 

If you can’t orgasm from intercourse alone, and that is the norm, let him know. Talk about your orgasm happening before or after intercourse, and ask him which he would prefer. You can also suggest trying a vibe between your bodies during face to face sex. A good way to suggest this is to tell him you have realised you will never come from intercourse alone, but you still want to try to orgasm during intercourse and you think this might do it.

Tell Him You Want It!

You will need to be totally honest about when you do and don’t want an orgasm. If you really don’t want or need an orgasm some of that time, that’s fine. Some women are this way. But other women want to come every time, and if that’s you then your hubby needs to know that. Regardless of which camp you’re in, you need to secure hubby’s help with giving you the pleasure and release you need when you need it. Make him your orgasm hero, fighting the dragons of distraction and worry so you can come. When it’s a difficult battle thank him for being your hero. 

I realise some men are more willing to work on this than others. As I’ve shown above how you approach him can help. If he just doesn’t care there are no great options. Personally, I’d be tempted to lie there next to him and take care of yourself while he’s trying to sleep, but I realise that’s an emotional minefield for you. I do think it’s fair to tell him that his not caring about your sexual needs is hurting how you feel about him and reducing your interest in sex. Maybe that moves him, maybe it doesn’t. At least it tells you where you stand.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m saying no woman left behind!

Great Article: 4 Truths You Need to Know About Your Son and Visual Temptation This will both help you understand, and show you ways to help.  

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14 Comments on “Sex Ain’t Fair!

  1. I’ve come to see the differences in how men and women view sex as a place where we can both grow to become more like Christ. Growth doesn’t happen when things are easy. What I have a hard time understanding is the husband that doesn’t care about his wife’s orgasm. I’d love to hear your take on this, Paul. Why do some husband’s not care? Is that loving their wife like Christ?
    Bonny recently posted…Why Knowing Your Low Drive Wife’s Love Language is ImportantMy Profile

    • @Bonny – I don’t understand a man who doesn’t care about his wife’s pleasure. Aside from not being loving, it seems counter-productive.

      In days gone by some men really didn’t know women could or should orgasm. Others were taught it was just a nice extra and it didn’t really matter. I suspect that is still around for some of the older guys. For the rest, I assume it’s just selfishness.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Sex On a PillowMy Profile

    • Bonny, as a man with a very healthy sexual drive, I don’t understand this either. Honestly, if I couldn’t get my wife to orgasm I would feel like a failure and very letdown. Maybe I shouldn’t feel that way, but it definitely would. Nothing in the world makes me happier or more “like a man” than fully satisfying my wife. So, I really am confused when I hear women say their husbands don’t care at all.

      • I feel exactly like Brian. When my wife has a hard time getting there, all sorts of negative thoughts creep in: she’s not attracted to me, I don’t turn her on, I’m not good in bed, etc. I know those are not true, but it’s still a battle to fight those emotions. When I hear the words “I don’t think it’s going to happen this time” (even with a magic wand), it takes a huge effort to stay positive and let her know it’s okay! But I do, because I know she already feels terrible about it. No need to make her feel worse!

        What makes it so difficult to understand is that I am the opposite: my mind does not wander at all, if anything I have to force myself to think about something else to help myself last longer. And because I’m so visual, I have to CLOSE my eyes to reduce stimulation to help me last longer, while she has to close her eyes to concentrate on getting there. Because it’s completely foreign to every fiber in my being, it’s easy for the mind to start believing
        -maybe she ISN’T attracted to me
        -maybe I’m terrible in bed
        -since she has to close her eyes to concentrate on “getting there”, who’s she actually thinking about in her head? (I’d be looking at her for visual stimulation if I wanted to accelerate my orgasm)

        Heck, during times when I have to resort to taking care of things myself, many times the mental fantasy in my head is of her orgasming easily with me (it has happened once or twice in our marriage, so I know it’s possible!).

        So yeah, at least for this hubby, her orgasm is a very big deal.

  2. I’ve pondered this concept for years, and I think one of the important points is that we are really only presented with what sex is like for people who are in their 20s and full of endorphins. It took me a long time to understand that when my wife and I were dating and she was 24 with no real life responsibilities, and I was new, exciting, and paid a lot of attention to her; that was a huge determining factor in her sex drive for a year or two. I had kind of assumed that that’s just who she was, as that is all I’d ever known of her. Also, I’d only ever known other women who were in a similar situation…or newly divorcees. People married for 20 years don’t talk about the intricacies of their sex lives. She thought that my desire would just kinda cool off along the same path hers did, because she assumed that all of the things that affected her drive also affected mine…..which they do not, and I was going insanely stir crazy while she thought all was good. It had never occurred to her that at near 40 I’d still be just as much craving adventure as well as quantity as I did when I was 24, it is a part of who I am. So you have two people married for a good while, who have no idea what sex is supposed to look like at that point in their lives, aside from their marriage the only thing they new about sex came from previous relationships (which aren’t comparable), porn, and whatever cultural/church nonsense they’ve learned.

    I’m actually getting some traction in our own church with my mantra that “we need to spend a lot more time making sure that two 45yr olds ARE having sex than we do trying to scare 16yr olds away from it”

    • @mykidsmademedoit – Age is certainly a factor. Women generally become more and more into sex, and enjoy sex more, as they get older. But for this to happen they have to keep having sex, as you said.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Sex On a PillowMy Profile

      • I don’t think it is age, I think it is the things that correlate with age. Older women are more confident, more likely to ask for what they want, are less likely to have major life stress like childcare, are dealing with men who have lower drives and are more patient, etc. These are the bigger determining factors to female sexuality…..especially in the long term, and not the bar scene.

        • To me it’s such a shame that so many women waste the first 10 or 20 years of marriage not being into sex. There’s physically no reason they shouldn’t want sex more when they are 20 than when they are 40, so it’s completely psychological (not counting children). I bet a lot more marriages would be happier and successful if women would be as into sex from the start as men are.

          • I don’t understand it either, every time I hear a someone in their 50s talk about sex being better now, I want to throw the BS flag, sex isn’t better, you just want a lot less of it so you are more easily satisfied. Sex is best when you are really fired up and into it….which is a lot more likely in your 20s

            • I’m 61. I would love to have a go every day or two, maybe more, but dh has no desire to work at making sex better for both of us in quality or quantity. He would rather spend his time and effort watching tv or doing hobbies that in no way include me (yes, I did support or join him in these things for years). It’s always been that way with him. I think what you are talking about is “just sex.” For it to be better as you grow older you need to learn to incorporate all aspects of the self, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual because, it’s unlikely we are able to physically perform at the level we did in our twenties and, that kind of sex has an emptiness to it after awhile. I believe God designed the sexual relationship to be so much more than merely physical. Sadly, I’m not sure I’ll ever experience that for myself in this marriage.

          • @Brian – There’s physically no reason they shouldn’t want sex more when they are 20 than when they are 40″
            Actually, there is. Thier physical drives do go up.
            Beyond that, the man is usually part of the problem. He goes all bull in a china shop, and that makes it difficult for her.

            I agree much of it is “in her head” but that doesn’t mean she can just wish it to change any more than we can wish things in our heads to change. (Things like being a bull in a china shop!)
            Paul Byerly recently posted…The Problems With the Proverbs 31 WifeMy Profile

        • I love sex. I LOVE orgasms. When I was pregnant with our last child and hubby was refusing sex, I was masturbating up to 6 times per day. I love when my husband orgasms. He doesn’t care much if I do or don’t, unless it is during intercourse and it “primes his pump” more. Otherwise, it is a big no. No oral, no manual. Ok, once in a blue moon, but never to completion. I compromise
          at his stone wall by masturbating during intercourse. That’s the only way I get to orgasm.

          I don’t know why other than he says it is boring, makes his mouth/hand sore, and I take too long (20 minutes tops). He doesn’t like looking at vulvas, so maybe that has something to do with it. Otherwise, he just doesn’t care. When we were dating he was the one who initiated oral and manual. Once we got married and he had access to intercourse, all the other non-piv stuff we did dwindled away.

          • @ Libl – I find that completely backwards compared to how I think. If my wife wanted 6 orgasms a day, I’d burn through all my vacation hours making sure I was along for the ride! I also am disappointed when giving my wife oral when she asks to switch to the magic wand. I enjoy every aspect of giving, and the rare times when she actually climaxes from it are the BEST (same when it happens during intercourse – even more rare).

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