Decoding the Male Mind
He’s Not As Careful With His Words
My friend J. Parker of Hot, Holy & Humorous made a comment on last week’s Why He Thinks It’s A Game post that said, in part:
“But word choice matters, especially since telling wives it’s a “game” can become the focus of conversation (and debate) rather than the primary point you’re trying to make.” [Whole comment here]
As someone who makes a living communicating, I agree with her 100%. But I also know there is a big gender difference here.
Men don’t tend to put much thought into using a non-offensive word. We call it as we see it, and if someone takes offence that’s their problem. I think most women put far more effort into choosing words that will have the desired effect. That means words that won’t offend, and words that are not likely to be misunderstood. And sometimes, it means intentionally using a word to hurt someone. I wonder if women assume a man means to hurt them when they use a word that hurts.
I’m not saying it’s right or good for him to just throw out words without much thought. What I’m telling you is this is common for many men. If his words hurt, it might be wise to assume he didn’t mean for them to hurt. Go ahead and let him know it hurt, but don’t make it sound like he did it intentionally. To pull from what J said, don’t let his choice of words become the primary point!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and men don’t talk like women talk!
Image Credit: © MabelAmber & geralt | pixabay.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
Share this:
31 Comments on “He’s Not As Careful With His Words”
Leave a Reply
The XY Code, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed
under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.Banner Image © pathdoc | Adobe Stock
Privacy Statment
I think that the words we use to think and talk about people and a situation reflect in how we respond in action.
In this case thinking about it as a game makes it seem like your wife is trying to one up you, trick you or out manuveur you in order to “win”. She is the enemy/competition instead of a partner to problem solve with. A lot of these “games” are actually contention points that could be compromised on or solutions attempted ( e.g. Gifts, “where to eat” conundrums)
In this case, in framing it as a game either a person will get competitive (I will win this game) or they will trivialize it (don’t play dumb games) or evaluate the situation and motives incorrectly (“stop changing the rules”)
Example expanded:
Gifts: “I’m not the best at figuring out gifts how can we make this work? A long list of things that make you happy? Leaving ideas with a mother/sister/friend?”
“Where to eat” conundrums:
“I’ll list three you pick one”
Solutions instead of “refusing to play”
@Eliza “Solutions instead of “refusing to play””
I’m all for it. If it works, fine. If not, then what? Some men have done these exact things and been told they should know, or it doesn’t count if she tells them, or to stop being silly or controlling.
Then they are having communication issues. I’m not saying these are the only or best solutions. Like any issue in a relationship I’d hope both parties could communicate and find a mutually beneficial solution.
The reasons they are playing “games” is generally for a deeper reason. (I know this isn’t always true. There are manipulative and controlling women out there. But then we should call it what it is– being manipulative. It isn’t games. )
Then they are having communication issues. I’m not saying the ones listed above are the only or best solutions. Like any issue in a relationship I’d hope both parties could communicate and find a mutually beneficial solution.
The reasons they are playing “games” is generally for a deeper reason. (I know this isn’t always true. There are manipulative and controlling women out there. But then we should call it what it is– being manipulative. It isn’t games. )
@ Eliza “In this case thinking about it as a game makes it seem like your wife is trying to one up you, trick you or out manuveur you in order to “win”.”
I’ve talked to a lot of men who are convinced this is exactly what their wife is doing. It’s hard to convince them otherwise because if they acted the same way that is very much what they would be doing.
I agree the man is framing it as a game, but for the most part, he does that because he can’t see how it could be anything else.
I’m just saying that framing it as a game trivializes the real reasons behind the behavior.
The wife may be acting manipulative and controlling. That isn’t a game. That is bad relationship behavior. The wife may not feel heard, or acknowledged, maybe they are overwhelmed (or any other number if things)
All of these deeper issues aren’t going to be solved by accepting or ignoring the poor bahavior. Maybe they aren’t trying to play a game and being told their feelings are equal to a game
I do hope women re-evalute their relationship behavior (don’t push your husband in a corner!), but I also hope couples can try to find a solutions together.
Again, men absolve or justify a lot of their own behaviors. Women do, too; it’s a human trait. But I tend to notice one particular justification that seems more common with men — they assume something about their wives or women generally and then do that action ten times harder, because that’s how women are.
My husband and I were out at dinner once. He asked about a carrot cake I’d bought the weekend before. He goes on health kicks regularly, and he was on a period of no sugar / no gluten. I had gotten a gluten free cake, but he said it was dry and the icing didn’t taste good. He hadn’t finished the piece I’d cut him and hadn’t touched it in the days since. So I’d thrown it away. But when he asked about it at dinner that night, I said I had tossed it because he hadn’t liked it and I assumed he wasn’t going to eat it. He immediately jumped on me, because he hadn’t said he didn’t like it, had he? What were his exact words? And he kept pressing me and was actually almost yelling and was gesturing widely. When I finally asked what was going on and why he was attacking me so much, he got this really smug expression and said that he knew I was smarter than he was, but he thought I didn’t have a great memory and tended to mix things up, so he was always looking for an opportunity to prove I was wrong and to win at his point. And he was happy because he had done it.
So, let me put it like this — if men are framing it as a game and treating it like a competition where he has to beat his wife, that is 100% on him. Quite frankly, he should grow up.
My husband knows he can be outmaneuvered with words—causing him, for many years, to so carefully consider his words that he would just sit there for several minutes trying to think of the very best words to use. It was absolutely maddening! He did this in counseling and was told “no one is willing to wait that long for an answer”—that helped me know I wasn’t totally unreasonable in being a tad frustrated with our communication! Words are still a challenge for him and he will sometimes say “give me just a moment” or if it can wait, “let me consider that and get back to you”. I’ve learned it is best to give him time when he needs it and know that the wheels are churning.
@Ann – What your hubby does would drive me batty. But rushing an answer is never going to make things better.
I’ve messed up verbally with my wife so many times, that sometimes I spend a lot of time trying to find the exact words to say exactly what I want to say. That sure slows down conversation, and sometimes my wife will insist on an answer before I’ve managed to frame one. I try to remember that while I tend to think something through silently and then give an answer, for her, the thinking (and feeling) out loud are part of the relation-building communication process.
I don’t know about other men, but I have an additional problem. I have a pretty good command of the English language, but when I’m very emotional (for me fairly frequently), my mind completely blanks and I can’t put a coherent sentence together. The expression “words fail me” becomes literally true. Perhaps that may have been happening to your husband during the counseling. I’m sure that was a very emotional situation.
The gender differences do loom large, but there’s also a potentially important experiential factor.
I a raised by very unpleasant people to whom words were either tools of manipulation or weapons, and I wanted to be unlike them to the greatest degree possible.
Thus, a studied (and it WAS studied) formality and politeness…which led to a Byonism that is an apt description of my persona:
“He was the mildest mannered man / That ever scuttled ship or cut a throat.”
@Andrew – I am then honoured by how many words you shared with us when we met for that find dinning experience.
Culturally I think we dance around the point too much, instead of being straightforward. My wife would say “those pants don’t look good on you” or “you need a longer shirt” when she needed to say “you’re fat, and you need to stop getting donuts for breakfast”. Preserving my feelings enabled me to continue to pretend it wasn’t an issue for several years.
I could not disagree with you more that women choose words that are less likely to be misunderstood, women frequently choose words to make vague reference to something instead of being clear and upfront about what they want. Men do this some too.
Yes, we do. For me part of it was not wanting to offend, being taught not to confront, not to bother people, not to be “unkind.” I also feared losing a man if things didn’t go his way all the time…he’d just leave me and go find another woman who suited him. Heck, I was taught to consider others so much I couldn’t even understand what I wanted or needed. If I had a true need, I was often left to figure it out on my own or just suffer silently with it because it was too much of a bother for others.
I have since learned otherwise, and I value straight forward answers. Last year my boss wanted to know what the heck was going on with me. I started down this explanation of my health, a diagnosis, and a few other tangents and he told me to knock it off, stop taking things so personally, speak up, grow up and chill out. I told him that he ticked me off. He said, “I figured I did.” I then said, sincerely, “and I appreciate it.”
From that point on I have done so much better health-wise and mentally, and in communicating.
It’s OK to piss someone off with the truth!
@Libl ” Heck, I was taught to consider others so much I couldn’t even understand what I wanted or needed.”
Yeah, I see a lot of that. It’s not kind, and it’s not helpful, but it’s hard to unlearn.
Paul, I thought J was taking issue with your choice to use the word “game” and that your word choice was a distraction from the point you were making. It would be fair and reasonable to point out the context of her comment before building on this part of it to make your own point.
On one hand, I think you’re right to point out that we can make a choice about whether or not to take offense at a husband’s word choice. At the same time, though, it seems to me that you are saying that we don’t have the right to feel offended.
I’ve worked very hard the past several years to be clear about what I’m saying to my husband and to take his words at face value. Nonetheless, I hear the words he chooses to say–and words do mean something. If I am hinting at something, it might be because I am trying to encourage my husband to realize something for himself. If I say it directly, it may come across as a criticism. My hints come from a place of respect for him as a man. Is it a game? No. Being indirect might be a game, but a game is something you do for entertainment purposes. If I am hinting because I have sincere and loving intentions and he tells me I am playing a game, I am going to feel hurt by his use of the word “game.”
Here’s the thing: while I wouldn’t think he is choosing to use that word to hurt me, it’s a word that has a specific set of meanings. If I take issue with his word choice, it is because I am responding to the meaning behind the word.
When I find myself responding to my husband’s wording, I do try to ask for clarification and assume the best of him. At the same time, he should be working to be more thoughtful about his word choice in order to communicate clearly.
So let me ask you this: if the word choice is an issue of its own, when and how can we best address that with our husbands? We can choose to focus on what he would see as the main point at the time because we know he didn’t mean to hurt us–but that doesn’t mean that we should let him think it’s okay to not be careful with his words.
Thanks Chris. A very coherent response. I wish I this had been my response. In a other world where I’m coherent and well worded.
Paul, you can disregard all of my poorly ideas above 😂
@Chris Taylor “Paul, I thought J was taking issue with your choice to use the word “game” and that your word choice was a distraction from the point you were making.”
I think you’re right, but I took it as a general comment about men using the word with their wives.
“So let me ask you this: if the word choice is an issue of its own, when and how can we best address that with our husbands?”
That’s tough. If you don’t know what he means, you can’t really overlook it and circle back later. I did say you should tell him his choice of words hurt, I’m not at all suggesting ignoring that because it matters.
In the case of game, he means a game. He probably doesn’t mean half the things that are being said her by women, but he does mean game. I’m trying to think of a better word and failing.
Lori has never done this to me, so I don’t have a dog in this fight. OTOH, I had a girlfriend who did some of this, so I do understand. Looking back I realise she felt she had no power and manipulation was the only way to get what she wanted. Thing is that was not true with me. I know her childhood and I understand why she was that way, but it was neither needed nor helpful in her relationship with me
You mentioned men just call it like they see it. I’ve known many people, men and women,who say, “I just call it like I see it”, and take pride in “just being honest”. The problem with folks who just call it like they see it is they could very well be seeing it wrong and are unaware so they stubbornly hold that position. I’ve met plenty in that camp.
@Stu – A very valid point.
Paul,
I’ll be honest: I read this post early this morning, and I’ve been mulling it over all day. Because what Chris said is true, that my point was, by agreeing with men that it’s a game, it diminishes the genuine experience and desires of women. And when we use a word that come across so wrong to our spouse or to our audience, we should reconsider it.
Yes, I think it’s great for you to explain to wives that men FEEL like it’s a game, but “To pull from what J said, don’t let his choice of words become the primary point!” That’s a misconstruction of what I said. I was suggesting husbands move away from the word “game” so that wives can hear the other part about how men view this, but instead you flipped it around and made it sound like the responsibility was on wives — both to get the point he’s trying to make and to ignore the callous way he said it. How about some balance?
@J. Parker – I totally misread you, sorry about that. I see your point about agreeing with men it’s a game.
Unfortunately, for some men that is very much what they are dealing with. Denying that happens is not helping anyone. A post telling them it’s a bad idea to use that word would be good, but trying to tell them that is not what’s going on would be untrue for some. That’s not the point of this post, but it was an issue on the original TGH post.
Let’s try this. Men get pissed about being called passive-aggressive. Thing is, many who are upset at being called that are being passive-aggressive. We can call it something else, but it’s still wrong, and it’s still hurting the marriage.
I don’t recall ever seeing you write about men being passive-aggressive, but I’ve seen plenty of female bloggers do so. Are they guilty of the same thing I did when I said “games” to the men?
All of that aside, I apologise for misunderstanding your point. I guess I read it the way I wanted it to be.
@J, it is a game. Whether or not women intend it to be a game is different, but to men, it’s a game……plain and simple. We often talk about how perception is reality, we do it with the idea of respect and caring and anything else. In this case, the vast majority of men perceive this to be a game, therefore for all intensive purposes, when dealing with the issue in a relationship…it’s a game. That is how men view it. You can try and explain it all you want, but you’re just playing Sisyphus. You would be much better served to teach women to communicate more clearly than trying to make men better at playing the game.
@mykidsmademedoit – Actually, I don’t believe perception is reality. I believe we need to work to conform our perception to reality. Otherwise, one could defend that they believe sex is bad, and thus it is, regardless of the truth set out in Scripture from the Creator of Sex, our Lord and Father. (Which I obviously don’t believe.)
One could also make the case that men who insist on labeling women’s behavior “game” are actually playing Sisyphus themselves, because no matter how they defend that label, it is offensive to some women. And maybe they would be better served to simply stop calling it a “game” and deal with the communication problem itself.
@J. Parker “And maybe they would be better served to simply stop calling it a “game” and deal with the communication problem itself.”
Coming to a TGH post next week – sort of. If it’s a communication problem, then deal with that. If it’s a game deal with that, but don’t call it a game. And it it’s not obvious it’s a game, don’t assume it is.
Isn’t it ironic that we use the words “play” and “game” in such different ways? My wife and I like to play cribbage, and when we have a game a cribbage it’s enjoyable, even though we know one of us will win and the other one lose.
I agree we need to find something other than the word “game” to describe what’s going on in communication. A real game has rules, and you know where you stand, and you engage in it willingly. Calling this kind of situation a “game” doesn’t fit.
We sometimes talk of a cat playing with a mouse. The cat may think of it as a game or play (just guessing, since I’m not a cat!), but to the mouse it’s suffering with serious consequences. I think that any man or woman whose spouse “plays a game” with them in communication needs to identify what’s really going on rather than just snap out something like “stop playing games with me!”
I think the real heart of the matter is the difference in communication style and method (both general sex-based and individual differences) between a husband and wife. The solution isn’t to be found in quick labels but in learning from each other with mutual love and submission, with a large dose of humility thrown in. It needs to be a two-way street.
THIS! Thank you, Bob.
@Bobthemusicguy – Calling something is a game is very much a way of dismissing it. Calling it a game makes it okay to dismiss it because it’s unfair.
Not a good plan, but all to common.
Wow. So because men see it a certain way, that makes it true? Yes, women should learn to communicate more clearly–just as much as men should learn to be more understanding of what a wife’s motives truly are. One of these things is not more true than the other.
I agree to an extent with the idea that perception is reality. We often need to start with what our perceptions are in order to move forward. However, that could just as easily support a statement that because women don’t see it as a game, it isn’t one–so for all intents and purposes, he shouldn’t treat it as such in a relationship. Furthermore, even if perception is reality, that doesn’t make it truth.
We can start with our perceptions in addressing a relationship problem, but we all need to be pursuing God’s truth and design for us at some point.
@Chris Taylor – Some women play games. Some men do too, for that matter.
It may be far less common than most men think, but it does happen. And it’s wrong. And it hurts the guy, and it hurts the couple’s marriage.\
If it helps, for men manipulation = game.