I’m going to talk about something I’ve seen a number of times the last few years. I don’t know how common it is, but it does happen. Even if you never face this yourself, you might have a friend end up here.

The short version is the husband was horrible. It could be cheating, porn, yelling, controlling, whatever. The wife finally has her fill and tells him to get out. Maybe she starts moving towards a divorce, maybe not, but she makes it clear he is not welcome and may never be welcome again. 

This a wake-up call for the man, and he starts to work on himself. Usually, he gets professional help, something he would never have considered in the past. His wife doesn’t believe it’s real, she figures it’s a ploy. He keeps at it. Gradually she allows herself to hope it’s real, and eventually, she asks him to come home.

All good, right? The problem I’ve seen in a number of these situations is the wife was far from perfect. The husband was much worse, but she had significant issues too, and she’s not working on them. Hubby may be afraid of bringing up her stuff. Or he might think she will get around to dealing with it on her own. But that never happens. 

He is a changed man, and she is the same as she was before. She feels justified because he admitted his wrong and made changes. He continues to grow, but he becomes frustrated by her failure to deal with any of her stuff. I fear some of these marriages may yet fail, because of her unwillingness to deal with her stuff. How very sad!

Here’s the bottom line, no one is perfect. Even if one spouse is 95% of the problem, there are places where the other can and should improve. If he has made massive changes, he expects his wife to do some work on her junk. 

Apply as appropriate to your marriage or use it to help a friend.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hate seeing a second chance wasted.

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