Over on Quora I recently answered, “Why do people change after marriage and is it possible for them to change back to who they were before?”

The reality is everyone changes all the time. Change is usually gradual, and often that flies under the radar. When enough change has occurred we “suddenly” become aware of the total change. Accusations of “sudden change” in this such a situation are incorrect and not at all helpful. 

Can someone go back and be “who they were before”? Not really. We move on, and we have no desire to go back. No one wants to regress, and asking someone to regress doesn’t come across as kind or loving.

However… I suspect the real question being asked was “How do I get my guy to do something he used to do, or be a certain way he used to be?” That’s a very different thing, and I don’t think it’s unkind to ask for what we want. 

Rather than “Why don’t you ____ any more?” I’d go with “Would you be willing to ______?” In short, tell him what you want from him moving forward. Don’t jump on him for changing, just let him know what kind of changes you would like to see in the future.

Of course, this works much better if you consider what he wants when he suggests ways he’d like you to change.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know Lori doesn’t want me to be the way I was 33 years ago!

Image Credit: © Rido | dreamstime.com
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