A comment on an old TGH post reminded me of this. It’s deeply relevant for women, so here you go…

Paris Hilton told Rolling Stone that her boyfriends tell her she is not sexual. She is “Sexy, but not sexual.”

Sexy is something you do. It’s a performance. It can be compleat with costume, great acting, and sound effects. But like any acting performance, it may be just an act; it may not have anything to do with how you feel or who you are.

Sexual is about who you are and what you feel. Being sexual is more than going through the motions; being sexual is about wanting and enjoying sex.

Hugo Schwyzer, a gender studies author and speaker, and a former instructor of history and gender studies said that “Young women with the Paris Paradox were raised in a culture that promised sexual freedom, but what they ended up with looked a lot more like obligation than opportunity. It’s not hard to understand why the pressure to be sexy so often trumps the freedom to discover one’s authentic sexuality.”

Society expects women, and even girls, to be sexy. If you want to be pretty, you must be sexy. If you want to be noticed, to get dates, and to “catch” a husband, you must be sexy. Sexy is like lingerie, you put it on for a reason, but may or may not have anything to do with what you want or how you feel.

If you grew up pressured to be sexy it no doubt causes you problems. Whether you went along with it or fought it, it causes problems. And those problems didn’t stop the day you got married. In fact, getting married opened up a whole new set of problems.

Young husbands, who tend to think with the small head, don’t usually see the difference between sexy and sexual. They see the first and assume it’s attached to the second. This can make things much worse. Eventually, either he figures out sexy ≠ sexual, or she gets tired of the charade. And then it gets really messy!

Has sexy versus sexual been a factor in your life? Have you dealt with it? Have you and your husband dealt with the marriage implications? And what about your daughter(s)? How can you help them understand this and avoid some of the dangers that come with it?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and being sexual is always sexy.

Image Credit: © mpaphotoftl | stock.adobe.com
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