In response to one of the comments on last week’s Is He Holding Back Sexually?, I said, “A reasonable man can be sexually satisfied by a loving wife with a lower sex drive.“

I’m sure there are women who doubt this, and I know there are men who are afraid of their wife thinking she can’t satisfy them.

I certainly understand why some women think satisfying their guy is beyond them. Guys who feel sexually unsatisfied say all kinds of crazy things, and much of it does seem humanly impossible to provide. What you need to realise is that the guys who are saying these things have never been sexually satisfied. They’re not reporting what makes them feel satisfied, they’re making wild guesses about what they think would make them feel satisfied.

There was a time in our marriage when I wasn’t sexually satisfied, and I recall Lori telling me she felt she could never satisfy me sexually. Today neither of those things is true. More to the point, much of what I thought it would take to satisfy me was not required for me to feel satisfied. My wild guesses were way off.

So as a guy who went from dissatisfied to satisfied, let me give you some idea what it takes to sexually satisfy a reasonable man:

• Frequency is certainly an issue. Quality and variety can fill in for a bit less sex than he would like, but there’s still a lower limit. When sex falls below that limit the only fix is to do it more often. For most men that lower limit is somewhere between three and five times a week.
• Quality and variety are powerful ways to make him feel more satisfied. Something different and special is worth more than the same old same old. You can probably satisfy him without quality or variety, but it’s going to take more sex than it would with it.
• You enjoying sex is huge. This doesn’t mean you have to chase him down for sex like you’re dying for it, and it doesn’t mean you have to orgasm every time if you don’t want to.
  What it does mean is you need to seem involved. If you do a hand job or oral just for him, when it’s over tell him “I love making you come.” Or make comments about how hard he got, how aroused he was, how much he ejaculated, or anything else that suggests you enjoyed the experience. Beyond this, he needs to know that you enjoy the physical pleasure sex brings you. When you do orgasm, make sure he knows it was good for you. 
• “I want her to initiate” is one of the big ones for men. If a woman doesn’t feel much of a sex drive this will seem impossible. But it can be done if you think about it a bit differently. If you give him a hand job without him asking for it, that’s initiating. Offering him a quickie is also initiating. It’s not “I want sex” but it is you initiating sex happening. Another option is to say “I’d like you to make me horny so we can enjoy sex together.” 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m satisfied.

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