Lori and I sometimes hear from middle age women who are frustrated that their husband doesn’t make more time for them.

Often the reality is he’s giving her as much time as he’s been giving her for many years. What has changed is her. The kids are grown and she has more time and energy. It’s great she wants to spend that time with her hubby, but getting upset at him when she’s the one who has changed seems a bit unfair.

Many of these husbands wanted to spend more time with their wife in the past, but she was too busy. He threw himself into work and/or developed hobbies because he needed something to do. Now all of a sudden she wants more time, and all his time is filled up! 

An additional complication for men who work a physical job is doing the job takes more out of them as they get older. Twenty years ago he could come home from a long day and easily go out with his wife. Now he’s totally spent when he gets home, and all he can do is rest up for tomorrow.

If you find yourself frustrated that your husband “suddenly doesn’t have time for you” ask yourself if he’s really giving you less time, or if you’re expecting more time from him. If it’s the latter, have a conversation with him, and start by being upfront that you have more time and would like to spend some of it with him. Ask how to make that work for him. Is there something he does that you could either do or help with to give him more time and energy?

I’ve also seen this play out in sex. The woman wants more because she has more time, more energy, and less stress. He’s gotten used to what they have been doing, even if he has complained about it. Again, he’s the same, and she has changed. And again, the best way to deal with it is to have a talk and start by admitting you want a change.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and an empty nest can be awesome!

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