This is the second post about commonly repeated misinformation about female sexuality.

Women are all the same sexually

A lot of men assume women are all the same sexually. What turns one woman on turns all women on. What takes one woman to orgasm should work for all women. If it doesn’t work, something is wrong with the woman.

Unfortunately, plenty of women believe this lie to some degree. They assume their body should respond the way his former girlfriend responded. Or they think they should react to things the same way their girlfriends react.

The truth is each woman’s sexuality is unique. And the differences are not all in women’s heads! Dr. Deborah Coady, a New York gynaecologist, has mapped the nervous system of the female genitals in a number of women, and she found no two women are alike. The number of nerves for the clitoris, the vaginal opening, the cervix, the perineum, and the anus varies greatly from one woman to another. This very much affects how certain touches feels to women. 

There are also significant differences in women’s genitals. The inner lips can be small or large. The size and placement of the clitoris varies from woman to woman. Even the angle and placement of the vagina is not the same for every woman.

Beyond all the physical differences, your sexual history significantly impacts what you want and enjoy sexually. So any sexual experiences you had before marriage are a factor. How your parents, particularly your mother, felt about and talked about sex is a factor. If your church did a hardline push for “purity” that is also a factor.

Bottom Line: No two women are alike sexually. Given some of the differences are about how your body is assembled, I’d say God wanted each woman’s sexuality to be unique. 

Relaxation is the key to good sex

This one may blow your mind – it certainly challenged me!

We all know that for a woman to enjoy sex she needs to relax first. I’ve told men this over and over. It seems perfectly logical. Then some scientist, a woman no less, went and messed things up by actually studying this!

Dr Cindy Meston, who runs a sexual psychophysiology lab at the University of Texas at Austin, has found that good sex happens when a woman’s sympathetic nervous system is activated. Relaxing fires up the parasympathetic nervous system and suppresses the sympathetic nervous system. Meston suggests getting a woman ready for sex should look more like exercising together, riding a roller coaster, or watching a scary movie or a comedy. These things prime a woman for sex by activating the sympathetic nervous system so she responds more quickly and more intensely to sexual stimulation.

Basically, relaxing suppresses the part of the nervous system that needs to be active for you to enjoy sex, making it counter-productive. So while that long soak in the tub feels good, it may be messing with your ability to get aroused and orgasm! This doesn’t mean you don’t need to disconnect from certain things, such as getting out of mommy mode. The issue is how you do that.

I recall a time when Lori thought I had fallen off a cliff (I had not). We went home and had really good sex. Now I know the reason for that was the adrenaline running through her system. Likewise, this is why teenage boys used to like to take a girl to a scary movie; their chances of something sexual in the back seat of the car were much better after such a movie.

Bottom Line: Relax after sex.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I don’t suggest “I think he’s dead” as a way to improve sex!

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