Being Clear About Expectations

On Monday, I asked you to think about the expectations you have for your marriage and your husband. Today I want to ask, no beg, you to share those expectations with your husband.

Being Clear About Expectations

If you think you’ve done that, let me suggest the odds are low that you have. I hear over and over from husbands that they have no idea what their wife wants. Or they have heard a hundred things and they have no idea which are really critical and which are less important. 

The other potential issue is the way your words and your actions interplay. If you say something is important but then show little or no disappointment when you don’t get it, your actions are undercutting your words. I’m not suggesting you become a drama queen, but clearly expressing your disappointment is part of this process.

I realise the risk in this is he won’t make any changes and you’ll feel even worse than you did before. Don’t let that fear keep you from sharing, and don’t allow it to make you fudge on what you share. If you need something from him, he needs to know that so he can do it or tell you he can’t or won’t do it. Unspoken expectations can kill a marriage.

If you want to get really crazy, ask hubby about his marriage expectations.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want to give my wife what she needs as well as what she wants.

Image Credit: © ThomasWolter |
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7 Comments on “Being Clear About Expectations

  1. Great message. “Unspoken expectations can kill a marriage.” So true. There’s a word for those: assumptions. I love how you also addressed not to -assume- he has clearly understood your spoken expectations. (You know what they say about the word “”)

  2. What do you expect of me?
    What would you have me do?
    Do you want whom you see,
    or someone entirely new?
    Please don’t tell me I should know;
    I cannot read your mind.
    I’m willing, dear, to learn and grow,
    to seek, perchance to find.
    I ask you not to raise the bar
    higher with each success;
    cooperation only goes so far,
    and dies under duress
    If you can love that which you see,
    I’ll try to make you proud of me.

  3. After 40 yrs of expectations and want crash head on into work comes first before anything else and I am not changing so you’ll have to love me the way I am, I have none. My wants are basic food, clothes, and roof over my head.

      • Thank you. As I look back I can see God working in those crashes. I believe it was His way of growing me and getting me out of the way so He could work on my husband. I can’t change my husband but God can.

  4. While great advice, the reality is, it is one sided here and I suspect it to be true in alot of relationships, with either partner being the one side.
    While I am expected to find a balance with meeting his expectations/needs, I am to be grateful that I have a roof over my head, food on the table, heat, clothes – basic needs. Much like BA.
    This even applies to sex. When he wants it, I should be ready regardless of any interaction between us, but if it’s me, I can wait. I get told frequently “well now you know what is what like when the kids were little and you were tired all the time and I had to wait.”
    My expectations at this point, are that tonight will be another night of sitting on opposite ends of the sofa, while he watches the news until he is crashes and I work on some project so at least we are in the same room. Same as last night, and every night before that for months.
    Sorry if it sounds a little bitter, I am just tired.

  5. I understand your pain. Leting go of expectations is painful, but having no expectations has been freeing. Some of the things God has taught me along the way:
    *love is not a feeling but a decision that have have to make daily
    *love can’t have conditions
    *somebody has to make the first move and probably many more after that
    *the man you married is still in there, just buried under years of life and hurt
    *your husband’s heart is probably just as broken as yours
    It’s hard doing what is right and I can’t say it’s a magic bullet that fixes everything but it is better than continuing down the present road.

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