I’m on a mission to remove the term “Mercy sex” from our collective vocabulary. I wrote to the men about it recently – see What If It’s Love, Not Mercy?
Looking back, I see times when I thought Lori was offering mercy sex, but she was not. She was offering me the best she thought she could do not because she had pity on me but because she loved me. When I treated her offer as something less than a loving act I insulted her. Aside from how that must have hurt, I doubt it improved her desire to be sexual with me.
Some of you are on the giving side of this, and some of you are on the receiving side. If you feel your husband gives you mercy sex, then I challenge you to prove it. What if it’s love, not mercy? What if you read it as mercy or pity because of your own fears or doubts? What might happen is you gladly received it as a gift of love?
If you have been accused of providing mercy sex, or your husband acts as if that’s what you’re doing, I suggest you set him straight. Tell him pity is a turn-off. Tell him you have sex with him when you have no interest because you love him and want to provide him with the things he wants and needs.
Another way to kill the mercy sex issue is to be proactive. Don’t wait for him to ask, offer. Say something like “I’m not horny but I bet you are (or I know you are), so how about a hand job or a quickie? I know it’s not your first choice, but I want to do it for you if you will let me.” Or just reach out and touch him without any words. If he’s always after sex, he will be thrilled!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I choose to see all sex with my wife as a gift of love.