This is a specific case follow up of Wednesday’s He Thinks You Can’t Handle The Truth! While nothing I write here is true for all men, this comes very close to that. I don’t know a man still interested in sex who doesn’t have a least a bit of this fear, and most have way more than a bit!

Most husbands fear that if their wife knew his full sexual truth they would freak out. At best it would hurt their sex life and their relationship, and she might leave him.

For the most part, this fear is not the result of the husband wanting something horrible. For the last few decades, men have been told they are a bunch of oversexed maniacs who put their own pleasure ahead of a woman’s well being. Just having a penis makes you dangerous and wanting to use it makes you a monster. You may think that’s an exaggeration, but it really isn’t.

One big sexual fear is about how often he wants sex. The vast majority of men under 35 would like sex at least daily, and plenty of men over 35 would like that as well. But we think that is grossly unfair to our wives, so we don’t tell her about it. 

Most of the other fears are about what we want sexually. And most of it isn’t crazy or kinky, it’s just beyond what the couple is doing, and he’s afraid she will think he is sick or perverted or oversexed or otherwise wrong for wanting whatever he wants.

Adding to the problem is the reality that many of us have hurt our wives with our sexuality. I certainly did this to Lori in the early days of our marriage. It had more to do with her past than my desires, but it still hurt her and that just proved to me that my fear was valid.

As I said, this a nearly universal fear for men. I know better, and I have a very understanding wife, and I still struggle with this fear. I’ve also talked to a “lower drive husband” who says he is as he is because as a teen it was pounded into him that he had to be very careful to not hurt women with his sexuality. 

This fear is the root of a lot of problems. It’s why some men masturbate; they don’t think it’s fair to ask their wife for more sex. It can contribute to porn use; to satisfy the desire for more than the vanilla sex he limits himself to with his wife he looks at porn. It can increase the temptation to cheat; he really wants whatever, and he feels it’s wrong to do it with his wife. (I’ve heard that last one a number of times. And other men fantasise doing whatever with another woman because it would be wrong to think of their wife that way!)

If your husband has been holding back his sexual truth from you, simply asking him probably won’t do it. In his mind, you’re asking him to hurt you and he’s not going to do that. You’re also asking him to risk what he has with you, sexually and relationally, for something he thinks he can never have. That doesn’t seem like a good plan and he’s going to resist.

If you want to explore his sexual truth, odds are you will have to work at it. Initiate sex more often, be it all the bells and whistles, a quickie, or something just for him. Suggest something beyond what you currently do. Don’t ask if he wants to try whatever; instead, tell him you want to try it and ask if he’s willing. 

If you’re happy with your sex life, you may see no reason to chase this. On the other hand, if your hubby expresses and then receives some of what he fears asking for, it will make him appreciate you in ways you can’t imagine. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m not really a monster.

Image Credit: © Piotr Marcinski | stock.adobe.com
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