The issue of men’s anger has come up recently in the comments both here and over on The Generous Husband. So let’s see if we can have a calm discussion about husbandly anger. ;-)

Some men use anger as a tactic, a way to get their wife to back off. I’ve already talked about tactics: if they don’t work, he won’t keep doing it.

In other cases it’s not an intentional tactic; instead, it’s a man’s go-to emotion when he feels bad or doesn’t want to deal with things. I’m going to get flack from some men for saying that, but it’s an accepted fact by most people who deal with marriages that this does happen. That said, you calling it what it is probably won’t help. It will just make him angrier and you will seem to be the clear cause of the anger. 

Then you have the men who blame their wife for their anger. That always scares me, because that’s what abusive men say when they beat their wife or children. That said, if you wanted to make your guy mad I bet you could. You know his buttons and you know how to push them. I’ve seen women try to make their husband mad and it’s not a good thing for their marriage.

If your husband’s anger is a problem for you, and thus for your marriage, the only way to bring about change is to call him on it. Don’t tell him why he’s angry or what his anger means. Instead, tell him that his anger is hurting you. Tell him you need him to find a way to stop being so angry. Tell him you will go with him to a trained third party if he wants, or he can go on his own. But make it clear his options are dealing with his anger or hurting his marriage. 

BTW, my friend J recently wrote a very good post on abuse. Please check out Are You in an Abusive or Destructive Marriage?. Even if you aren’t in danger, you probably know women who are

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hate seeing men justify anger.

♥ #PrayerPrompt: Ask God to help you know and love your husband well.

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