I often see female sexuality explained by comparing and contrasting it to male sexuality. I do this myself over on The Generous Husband as I think it’s useful to use what men know as a starting place to explain what they do not. However, I dislike the idea of women think of their sexuality in terms of how it differs from men’s sexuality.

The problem with this kind of thinking is it makes men’s sexuality the norm. Then a woman is left thinking about how she is not the norm, as if her sexuality is broken or inferior. Over the years I’ve heard from a lot of women who think their sex drive or sexual response is broken or inferior, and aside from being dead wrong, it’s not helping anyone!

I could explain to you how male and female genitals grow from the same embryonic tissue, but if you look at what you’ve got and what your hubby’s got you won’t see many similarities. I think that should tell us your sexuality is different from his sexuality, and that the differences are because of how you were uniquely formed. Both of you are right and normal, while also being very different.

Adding to this problem is the fact that men often take the steering wheel on sex early in a relationship. Sex is easy for men, and usually they have a stronger drive, so his taking charge is no surprise. Unfortunately, it means the couple’s sex life is developed along lines that work well for a man, but not for a woman. This reduces her pleasure and increases her frustration while getting in the way of her learning how to enjoy sex as God intended her to.

If sex remains a problem in your marriage, maybe it’s time to ask hubby to “let you drive” for a while. Ask him to let you have the primary say in what and how, along with more of a say in when. Assure him this is not about having less sex, but about trying new things so sex gets better for you.

Even if sex is not a big problem area, you doing more of the driving on occasion could make it better for you.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and yeah I took the wheel when we got married.

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