The other day I had a chat with a woman on facebook who had reacted to a Generous Husband post. I think she wanted to know if I was aware that in some marriages the wife has the higher drive. I’ve discussed this here before, but I wanted to make a very clear statement about it.

Most folks who try to track this say the wife wants more sex in 20% to 25% of marriages. So it’s not the norm, but it’s a significant minority. In some of these marriages, the wife has a higher drive. In others the man’s drive is fine, but for some reason, he chooses to masturbate (with or without porn) when his wife is ready and willing. Regardless of the why, the wife is being sexually refused.

As far as I’m concerned, this is no different than when a wife refuses her husband. In 1 Cor 7 Paul specifically says a husband is not to refuse his wife. His body belongs to her, and he is to take care of her sexual desires. 

On a practical level, some men will say “If she doesn’t want it she can lie there and let him have fun, but he can’t do that.” Even if he can’t get an erection (and that’s not the case most of the time) he has two hands and a mouth. If he’s not in significant pain, I think he is supposed to provide you with sex regardless of his interest. Period. No exceptions.

I can say I’ve practised what I’m preaching here a few times when I was too tired to care and I knew Lori wanted something. I was happy to do it and enjoyed it emotionally. It got me going a bit, but not enough to get past my exhaustion. If her drive was double my drive, I’d gladly give her all she wanted.

In part, this post is so I’m on the record about this. I also hope it encourages the women being told no that they have every reason to expect their husband to step up when they ask. I suspect “You have not because you ask not” is relevant for many women dealing with this. If he says no to sex, then flat out ask him if he will do something just for you. Don’t be shy, don’t feel it’s unladylike, ask him for it. And do the same thing the next time and the time after that. Show him you’re serious about this and see if he will do what’s right. If he doesn’t, then it’s time for a serious conversation about the issue.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m calling out men who say no!

Related posts that might help:

Why Men Say No to Sex
Her Guide to Getting More Sex Part 1
Her Guide to Getting More Sex Part 2
Her Guide to Getting More Sex Part 3
One is the Loneliest Number – Stats on masturbation by married folks

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