A while back there was some discussion in the comments both here and over on TGH about women who had multiple partners before marriage. Some men suggested such a woman was irreparably damaged and would never want or enjoy sex with her husband. Not being a woman, I could not challenge this from personal experience. So, I phoned a friend! The result is this guest post by J Parker.

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Part of my redemption story involves moving from a premarital promiscuous past to a marital monogamous present. While I wish the change had happened like “Beam me up, Scotty”—one moment here, one moment there—I actually walked a long road to arrive at the sexual intimacy God wanted me to have.

PREMARITAL PLEASURE

I’ve analysed my past enough to understand all the reasons I chose to have sex before marriage with multiple partners, but one reason is that it felt great.

God created us as sexual beings, and being touched, turned on, and brought to orgasm are good sensations. To say I didn’t enjoy the physical experience of sexual activity with past lovers would be a lie. But that’s not the same as saying that it was good for me. Or that I didn’t have serious regrets.

We’ve all done something pleasurable in the moment that had poor consequences later—eaten too much food, imbibed too much alcohol, purchased something we wanted but couldn’t afford. We may be momentarily happy with our action, but that high fades.

Being able to engage in sex and orgasm doesn’t mean enjoying the whole kit-and-caboodle. Because of my decisions, my body was misused, my heart was injured, my soul was stained. Yeah, it felt good in the moment, but it was just that: a feel-good moment.

MOVING INTO MARRIAGE

Fast forward to finding my beloved and getting married. We had a very active sex life early in marriage, with plenty of pleasure and orgasms. Yet, I felt something lacking.

Was I comparing my husband to former lovers? No. While I hadn’t forgotten my past, I wasn’t comparing, and even if I had, he would have won that contest. Had my sexual interest waned now that I was married? No. I was able to experience sexual bliss, but I simply felt something was missing. Did my internal stress over sex have anything to do with my husband or my love for him? No. It didn’t.

Truth was, I carried baggage from my premarital promiscuous past. Sure, I was having a great time in bed with my husband, and I knew God was in favour of our sexual intimacy, but I was holding back part of myself. Though I’d confessed my sin and repented, I still viewed myself as a sexual sinner and hadn’t fully accepted God’s forgiveness.

Moreover, I’d learned from my past that when I had sex, I needed to protect my heart. It was one thing to be physically present with a guy, but another thing altogether to be wholly present—mind, body, and soul—with him. Even if that him was my husband.

EMBRACING GOD’S DESIGN

Let’s turn that time clock again, moving forward several years. Once I realized what kept me from feeling fully engaged in sexual intimacy, I could work through it. I use the term “work” not because it was gruelling labour, but rather because it required effort on my part, including the effort of accepting God’s clean slate for me.

My story is similar to many I’ve heard from other wives who had sexual partners before marriage. How difficult the shift is depends on the wife, but by and large, we feel bad about premarital sex—in a way many guys just don’t. So it can be hard for a husband to understand why current marital intimacy is affected, especially if the wife clearly enjoys sex in the moment.

What makes the difference is how a wife views herself. Paul has shared research from a Finnish study on this point (Paul has shared research from a Finnish study on this point ). But one might then ask if Christian wives have it worse because we carry guilt from our past that can hamper sexual interest in our present. Well, is it worse to feel guilt for your sin, struggle with your actions, repent and receive forgiveness or to never admit you were a sinner and need Jesus’ sacrifice and salvation? I’ll go with the first one, thanks.

As Christians, what we need is to understand God’s design for sex in marriage, which includes forgiveness for our past sins, vulnerability not only with our bodies but our full selves in the marriage bed, and the experience of not merely pleasure but one-flesh intimacy. And, may I add, that sex is not just for him, but for her to embrace completely—arousal, pleasure, orgasm.

THE MARRIAGE BED IS BETTER

Look, I don’t want to have sex with my husband the way I did with past lovers. That young woman was desperate for physical affection, used sexual prowess to mask insecurities, and felt empty when it was all over. As I write this, I’m tearing up, wishing I could hug that woman and explain what God longs for her to have instead.

But I’m not that young woman. My premarital promiscuous past, the sin that tried to claim me, didn’t win. I’m not unaware of what I did, or who I did, but my past lovers haven’t hurt my ability to fully enjoy sex with my husband. To me, it feels much like Joseph’s pronouncement to his brothers in Genesis 50:20: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.” Once I let God use what I did to teach me His better ways, the very best path opened up to me.

J. Parker is a Christian author and speaker who blogs at Hot, Holy & Humorous and uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster godly sexuality. She has penned four books on sexual intimacy in marriage, including Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I didn’t write this one!

Image Credit: © Nikolai Sorokin | stock.adobe.com & J Parker
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