Decoding the Male Mind
Past Lovers vs. Marital Intimacy
A while back there was some discussion in the comments both here and over on TGH about women who had multiple partners before marriage. Some men suggested such a woman was irreparably damaged and would never want or enjoy sex with her husband. Not being a woman, I could not challenge this from personal experience. So, I phoned a friend! The result is this guest post by J Parker.
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Part of my redemption story involves moving from a premarital promiscuous past to a marital monogamous present. While I wish the change had happened like “Beam me up, Scotty”—one moment here, one moment there—I actually walked a long road to arrive at the sexual intimacy God wanted me to have.
PREMARITAL PLEASURE
I’ve analysed my past enough to understand all the reasons I chose to have sex before marriage with multiple partners, but one reason is that it felt great.
God created us as sexual beings, and being touched, turned on, and brought to orgasm are good sensations. To say I didn’t enjoy the physical experience of sexual activity with past lovers would be a lie. But that’s not the same as saying that it was good for me. Or that I didn’t have serious regrets.
We’ve all done something pleasurable in the moment that had poor consequences later—eaten too much food, imbibed too much alcohol, purchased something we wanted but couldn’t afford. We may be momentarily happy with our action, but that high fades.
Being able to engage in sex and orgasm doesn’t mean enjoying the whole kit-and-caboodle. Because of my decisions, my body was misused, my heart was injured, my soul was stained. Yeah, it felt good in the moment, but it was just that: a feel-good moment.
MOVING INTO MARRIAGE
Fast forward to finding my beloved and getting married. We had a very active sex life early in marriage, with plenty of pleasure and orgasms. Yet, I felt something lacking.
Was I comparing my husband to former lovers? No. While I hadn’t forgotten my past, I wasn’t comparing, and even if I had, he would have won that contest. Had my sexual interest waned now that I was married? No. I was able to experience sexual bliss, but I simply felt something was missing. Did my internal stress over sex have anything to do with my husband or my love for him? No. It didn’t.
Truth was, I carried baggage from my premarital promiscuous past. Sure, I was having a great time in bed with my husband, and I knew God was in favour of our sexual intimacy, but I was holding back part of myself. Though I’d confessed my sin and repented, I still viewed myself as a sexual sinner and hadn’t fully accepted God’s forgiveness.
Moreover, I’d learned from my past that when I had sex, I needed to protect my heart. It was one thing to be physically present with a guy, but another thing altogether to be wholly present—mind, body, and soul—with him. Even if that him was my husband.
EMBRACING GOD’S DESIGN
Let’s turn that time clock again, moving forward several years. Once I realized what kept me from feeling fully engaged in sexual intimacy, I could work through it. I use the term “work” not because it was gruelling labour, but rather because it required effort on my part, including the effort of accepting God’s clean slate for me.
My story is similar to many I’ve heard from other wives who had sexual partners before marriage. How difficult the shift is depends on the wife, but by and large, we feel bad about premarital sex—in a way many guys just don’t. So it can be hard for a husband to understand why current marital intimacy is affected, especially if the wife clearly enjoys sex in the moment.
What makes the difference is how a wife views herself. Paul has shared research from a Finnish study on this point (Paul has shared research from a Finnish study on this point ). But one might then ask if Christian wives have it worse because we carry guilt from our past that can hamper sexual interest in our present. Well, is it worse to feel guilt for your sin, struggle with your actions, repent and receive forgiveness or to never admit you were a sinner and need Jesus’ sacrifice and salvation? I’ll go with the first one, thanks.
As Christians, what we need is to understand God’s design for sex in marriage, which includes forgiveness for our past sins, vulnerability not only with our bodies but our full selves in the marriage bed, and the experience of not merely pleasure but one-flesh intimacy. And, may I add, that sex is not just for him, but for her to embrace completely—arousal, pleasure, orgasm.
THE MARRIAGE BED IS BETTER
Look, I don’t want to have sex with my husband the way I did with past lovers. That young woman was desperate for physical affection, used sexual prowess to mask insecurities, and felt empty when it was all over. As I write this, I’m tearing up, wishing I could hug that woman and explain what God longs for her to have instead.
But I’m not that young woman. My premarital promiscuous past, the sin that tried to claim me, didn’t win. I’m not unaware of what I did, or who I did, but my past lovers haven’t hurt my ability to fully enjoy sex with my husband. To me, it feels much like Joseph’s pronouncement to his brothers in Genesis 50:20: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.” Once I let God use what I did to teach me His better ways, the very best path opened up to me.
J. Parker is a Christian author and speaker who blogs at Hot, Holy & Humorous and uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster godly sexuality. She has penned four books on sexual intimacy in marriage, including Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I didn’t write this one!
Image Credit: © Nikolai Sorokin | stock.adobe.com & J Parker
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22 Comments on “Past Lovers vs. Marital Intimacy”
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Thank you J for sharing that. Your witness is a blessing to my life.
Thanks so much!
J,
Your story, and outcome (thank the Lord!), is similar to mine. I’m thankful for the encouragement and blessing you are to me, and so many others. Thanks for being such a bright, shining light that directs others to the Lord and is such a help to women like me.
Aw, thank you! Yes, goodness awaits those of us who let God bring His full redemption into our lives.
J, I love your positive attitude! Thank you for your work.
The only way I can imagine a man saying what Paul mentioned at the beginning would be if his own confidence was lacking. A man might believe he’s not measuring up to all of his wife’s past lovers if she doesn’t seem to be enjoying it, or isn’t showing enough interest, enthusiasm, or desire. Of course, women would probably say measuring up to past lovers has very little to do with choosing a mate. That’s a tough pill for a man to swallow.
It just feels to me like that’s a physical-based perspective. Like if she got more physical pleasure before, that doesn’t mean she’d rather have that feeling from before. Yes, the pleasure matters, but God’s design is for it to be in the context of intimacy. Which could take a little longer to develop, but is well worth the effort in the long run. Because then it’s the whole package: physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy within marriage.
Totally agree! This is where a sex positive attitude like you exhibit and encourage in your readers makes all the difference.
A spouse who has previous experience but is now indifferent towards the marriage bed may find they are unknowingly planting seeds of doubt and weakening the confidence level of the spouse. True, this is only the physical aspect of the marriage. But as a man I find it’s at the foundation of the overall attitude towards how I feel about my marriage. Keep spreading the sex-positve message!
I asked my husband if over 60 lovers, most one -night-stands, would be a deal-breaker for him in choosing a partner. He said, “it depends on the woman.” I was surprised because he likes to brag that he married a virgin. The conclusion was that while there is still a level of cred in obtaining a unicorn (that is what his buddies call a virgin), sexual experience levels aren’t that big of a deal.
What a great answer! I certainly taught my sons to wait until marriage, because the ideal is to have a single partner with whom you discover the delights of sexual intimacy in marriage. But I also taught them that no sin puts us beyond God’s ability to restore us.
@libl – A very wise answer!
Lori didn’t have 60 partners, but she was abused by several people, and raped in college. I know women who suffered less who never get past it. So the woman, and specifically her relationship with God, is the real issue.
Not denying that God can bring about much good from our bad, but we must also consider that what we call good is not necessarily the best it could be if the Lord were fully honored. We could never know that. We are warned in 1 Corinthians against become “one flesh” with a prostitute. The warning is clear — something happens to our bodies in the process. We must therefore believe God that things will not be as blessed as they could be if we had honored him fully. That said, many “unicorns” have been harmed sexually utilizing man-made thought control techniques in the name of purity. These individuals enter marriage virgins, but find it difficult to enjoy sex due to heavily entrenched inhibitions. I’m not sure which condition is worse.
@Doug – I’m not saying it doesn’t matter, and I know J is not saying that either. However, the who “God will punish you for that for the rest of your life” thing is not biblical.
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Regardless of how our sexuality is messed up, God can help us heal.
Agreed. In no way did I intend to minimize the grace and forgiveness of God. Yet if I understand his apostle correctly he describes sexual immorality as a unique sin — “All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” That is, something takes place with the body that is distinct from the judgement of God, an actual wound. And while God is ever ready to forgive us our sins, it is not normal for him to remove scar tissue. In short, I think we have a deficient understanding of what it means to become one flesh.
I appreciate what you’re saying, Doug. Indeed, I’ve made it clear that I regret my premarital promiscuous past and wish my husband had been my only lover. But I disagree with your premise that my sexual sin is a different category with different consequences. The passage you reference is 1 Corinthians 6:18-20: “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” Nowhere in there does Paul say the same forgiveness, redemption, and grace are not available for sexual sinners.
Indeed, in Titus 2:11-14, he says: “For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to ALL PEOPLE. It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from ALL WICKEDNESS and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.” As repentant sinners, we have access to the same purification of Jesus’ sacrifice.
Are there scars? Yes, but many sins can leave scars—a broken marriage due to addiction, loss of financial assets due to greed or deception, poor health from gluttony or sloth. That doesn’t lessen God’s grace in the least. Indeed, Psalm 148 says that “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” My heart is whole and my wounds are now scars—praise Jehovah.
@Doug & @J. Parker – An interesting topic. 1 Cor 6:18 does set sexual sins in a different category, but Paul does not elaborate on that. I have to agree with J that it does not mean there is any less forgiveness or restoration for those sins.
My guess is we tend to carry more guilt and shame for sexual sins. That is not of God, but of our own minds and influenced by society. This guilt and shame then make it more difficult for us to deal with these sins. It makes it more difficult for us to feel forgiven and to let go. So, as I suggested in an earlier post, the difficulties of getting past sexual sins are self-imposed and also influenced by peer pressure. And this brings us around to the women in Finland who don’t seem to suffer the consequences of multiple partners that we tend to see here.
If an act is not seen as sinful there won’t be regret. That holds for any act. I know this will date me, but someone such as Warren Beatty was a renowned womanizer and considered a great “lover” (The physical act). I doubt he had any guilt over the many women he bedded. He was never able to effectively pair bond. The Fins appear to have the act, but marry very late and at very low rates and still have a higher divorce rate than we do.
I could add:
“And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ…”
Forgive me if I came across as doubting God’s forgiveness for sexual sins as opposed to all others. This was not my intention. There are commentators who believe Paul was refuting a common Corinthian slogan: “Every sin a person commits is outside the body.” From this, the Corinthians reasoned sexual immorality was harmless. I was simply trying to point out a similar tendency in our day. J’s post did not come across this way as she clearly and openly described her struggles.
@Doug – I agree with you on what Paul was doing. The idea that sexual sin didn’t matter was one side of the Gnostic heresy, and it was common in Corinth.
As always, the issue is balance. And that’s hard to find when you have folks going to opposite extremes.
As the one who brought the whole pair-bonding issue up, I never said a woman could NOT pair-bond, just that with each successive partner, it gets harder and harder. It requires, as J stated hard work on the wife’s part to create new neural pathways to overwrite the ones she has established in the past.
@TJC – No argument on that. Thanks for clarifying.
J,
What I’m seeing most out of this writing. is this is a true “love story” between you and your husband and how you and he have bonded into being one, which makes the intimacy and holding each other more fulfilling as we age. You and he chose each other!
We just celebrated our 39th Anniversary and we have taken the time to express to one another back and forth to have selected each other, in spite of some emotional scars and mutually navigating through some choppy waters, more like 40′ swells. We both expressed that we would still choose each other. She chose me! I chose her!
I just read on your site on the topic at hand, “A while back there was some discussion in the comments both here and over on TGH about women who had multiple partners before marriage. Some men suggested such a woman was irreparably damaged and would never want or enjoy sex with her husband”
I do understand the desire to be pure, but phrase “being in love” is completely void in that paragraph, in fact it appears that those comments were more about questioning their own performance and less about purity or their ability to love.
I find this disturbing because sex isn’t about a performance. For spouses who love each other, making love is an experience It is about making a life together, pursuing the same wants and goals without colliding, the romancing, anticipation, exploring, surrendering and experiencing one another’s at a very personal level, discovering likes and dislikes.
Spouses who are celibate (virgin) and choose to have those preferences of each other they should’ve already know who the person they chose to marry and love. Even so without being in love, the love making isn’t going to reach the highest level of intimate emotional euphoria, especially if they are more concerned about performances, especially if they are more concerned about performances or to the other extreme less concerned about one another’s needs or desires.
Whatever preferences a man or woman has if the concern is less about purity and more about performance or technique on the passionate rawness of intimacy, there are several Christian inspired self-help guides or books about emotional and physical love making. In the end, they will discover that making love isn’t about performance, but an experience.
Very nice post, J. I am sure it is very encouraging to women with a past. However, it is very discouraging to those of us who did not have sex before marriage, and ended up with a an abusive spouse who cut us off. I finally divorced my ExW after 6 years of total celibacy, and long term emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. I am remarried to a wonderful woman who doesn’t deny me, but I lost my prime sexual years. Now in my mid 50s, I might have 10-15 years of a sex life left.