Last week I wrote “What is ‘normal’ for female sexuality is a mess…” I didn’t clarify what I meant as I thought it was obvious. The comments told me I was wrong!

First, let me be clear that my comments are not intended as a judgement of any woman or women as a whole. Rather I’m pointing out that both society and the church have made a mess of women’s sexuality by teaching wrong and untrue things. And yes, they’ve made a mess of male sexuality too, but in my mind the situation with women’s sexuality if worse.

While boys are either encouraged or allowed to explore and embrace their sexuality, girls are told to repress it. This means men enter into adulthood with a good understanding of their sexuality while many women are clueless.

As a number of you mentioned in the comments, one big problem is that we tend to use male sexuality as the norm and try to explain female sexuality by how it differs from men’s. If men are the norm, then the vast majority of women are sexually broken.

Our sexuality is not primarily a function of our genitals, but rather of our amazing brains. And despite what the world would like us to think, male and female brains are very different. This is especially true in the area of sex. In the womb, male and female genitals start out the same. Then in males, testosterone changes the proto-genitals into what men have. Without this testosterone, a boy would be born looking like a girl. Testosterone also changes the brain at the same time, stamping it with male sexuality. At puberty testosterone again causes changes in both the body and the brain.

The vast majority of men, and a small percentage of women, primarily experience spontaneous desire. This means the desire starts in the mind and seems to come from nowhere. It’s just “Sex would be good right now.”

The majority of women, and a very few men, primarily experience responsive desire. (BTW, I’m not thrilled about the words spontaneous and responsive, but it’s how the two are described.) This kind of drive means wanting sex follows some sort of sexual contact. Plopping down in your hubbies lap naked could cause responsive desire (if he’s not already feeling spontaneous desire). He can cause you responsive desire by kissing, a back rub, or more direct foreplay.

About half of women experience both forms of drive. Often the spontaneous drive kicks in around ovulation. A small number of women feel spontaneous drive most or all of the time. A third of women never feel spontaneous drive. I’ve seen evidence that women in long term relationship tend more towards responsive drive as the years go on. If the woman, or her husband, think of sex in terms of male drive, then this change could easily be taken as a loss of sex drive rather than correctly seen as a shift in type of sex drive.

Another factor here is what some are calling contextual sexual desire. This means the context of the situation and the couple’s relationship is a big factor. For most women being “in the mood” is really about emotions and the state of her relationship with her spouse. If she has that and is not overly tired or stressed, her body can be aroused and she can enjoy sex. On the other hand, if her body is aroused but she’s not in the right place emotionally/relationally, sex will be more difficult, and less enjoyable. The other face of this is that a romantic situation may cause what seems to be spontaneous desire because it just feels right to have sex.

There is one other issue that plays into all this. When a man’s body is aroused, he knows it because it’s rather difficult to ignore an erection. (And for those of you who don’t have a penis, erection is not an all or nothing thing. It can get just firm enough to for the man to feel it without being obvious through his clothing.) A woman’s physical arousal is far less obvious. A number of studies have shown most women are bad at judging how aroused their body is. Beyond the lack of strong biofeedback, I suspect being told to repress their sexuality plays a part in this. Whatever the reasons, the reality is when a man’s body gets aroused he knows it and that can cause his mind to become aroused. For women, this is far less common.

Based on all of this, the terms low drive and high drive are problematic. They make us think of sex in terms of male/spontaneous desire, making a part the whole and leaving most women feeling broken. It would be far better to think of one’s self as having a spontaneous, responsive, or situational drive. If a couple knows where they both fall on these things, they can have a much better sex life and far less stress over sex.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and as I age I have become a bit less spontaneous and a bit more situational.

A tangentially related post: The Two Sides Of Sexual Refusal: The Refuser | A post I wrote for the men a year ago.

Image Credit: © Karen Struthers | stock.adobe.com | pixabay.com
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