The Kind Of Sex He Wants

At the end of last week’s Friday post, I promised to tell you how to make sex better for your man.

There was some discussion of this in the comments from a few men. There was also the suggestion that most men who don’t get the sex they want should blame their porn use. I’ll cover the porn issue next Friday.

Wife opening towel to show her husband her body.

The things most men say about making sex better are more sex, more variety, and the wife initiating.

More Sex

As I said last week, studies suggest this is not nearly as important as most men think. Way too little is a problem, but not quite as much as he wants is not usually as big an issue as the next two. 

With regards to more sex, don’t feel every sex act has to be all out and for both of you, unless that’s your desire. Quickies, handjobs, and blowjobs are all good ways to give him more sex than you want to have.

More Variety

This need not be as scary as it might sound. Try a few different positions. Invite him to spend five minutes on your breasts or sitting between your legs doing foreplay. Vary the when and where as much as your life allows. If you struggle because there is one way you get to orgasm, do those things but add some others before or after what you need.

Sex just for him is a great place to add some variety. A handjob on the couch during a long commercial break, a blowjob in the shower, or a quickie with you bent over the bed when you’re half-dressed for a date night.

Another form of variety is to tease him till he’s desperate for sex. This can be a lot of flirting and flashing, or feeling him up repeatedly for a few hours. Most men will be all about this once they know the teasing is always followed by pleasing.

Wife Initiating

This is the big one. And it’s a problem if you are like most women and don’t usually feel spontaneous desire. The easy way to deal with this is to say, “I’d like to be horny. Can you help me with that?” Most men would be thrilled to hear this. Those who don’t see that as “enough” are a major part of the problem, and perhaps they should be told that as lovingly as possible.

You can also signal willingness and let him take it from there. If you usually wear something to bed, show up naked. Or wear something clearly sexy to give him the idea. If necessary teach him that these actions are an invitation for him to arouse you,

The other way you can initiate is with things like quickies, handjobs, and other just for him sex. 

One Last Thing

Telling him sex was great for you does wonders for him. Many women seem shy to do this, and he really wants to hear it!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and you can do it!

A post worth reading:

Your Sex Zones & Her Sex Zones | The Generous Husband ◄ My TGH post for today is a long read, but it may help if what he wants and what you want sexually don’t line up well.

Image Credit: © dusanpetkovic1 | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

 

105 Comments on “The Kind Of Sex He Wants

  1. My husband isn’t into variety or foreplay in bed. But, one big game changer in our sexual relationship was me being more bold and flirty outside the bedroom.

    Basically, I started with paying attention to how he treated me. We often do into our spouses what we would like done to us. Before, I would do the romantic touches. Light strokes, hugs, kisses on the neck, little back massage….all things I wanted him to do to me and what sent thrills up my spine. But, they didn’t do the same for him.

    So, I noticed that he would grab, grope, squeeze, rub my private parts, and do other more aggressive things like kissing with nibbles, talking dirty. Once I started doing that to him, the change was profound. I don’t just mean sexually, but his overall confidence rose, too. His desire to husband, to father grew even more.

  2. Re: Wife Initiating

    She can initiate in a way that makes it obvious that she’s doing a duty or doing it primarily for you, or she can initiate in a way that shows she interested in it for herself too. Your next sentence:
    “The easy way to deal with this is to say, “I’d like to be horny. Can you help me with that?” Most men would be thrilled to hear this.”
    deals with this. But someone who’s just scanning this post for the headlines will only see “Wife Initiating” and could just check that off their list as done. I think the emphasis should be more on her showing interest for mutual pleasure.

    I think a lot of wives find it too hard to deal with the embarrassment of expressing their desire. Unfortunately, that can have a really negative effect on the husband. When you can’t tell if or how much she really desires you, that can take you to a lot of negative places mentally.

    Personally, I think more emphasis should be made on wives learning how to express their desire for their husbands in a way that is meaningful to him.

    • @closertotheheart – Personally, I think more emphasis should be made on wives learning how to express their desire for their husbands in a way that is meaningful to him.

      The problem with that is when what the man wants to hear is not the wife’s truth. So is she supposed to lie to him?
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Your Sex Zones & Her Sex ZonesMy Profile

      • @Paul – “The problem with that is when what the man wants to hear is not the wife’s truth. So is she supposed to lie to him?”

        If the wife never feels desire for her husband unless he jumps through hoops to draw it out of her, I think that’s unfair and puts all the burden on him.

        What happened to encouraging wives to fantasize about their husbands, then verbalize that to him in some way? I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

        • @closertotheheart – What hoops? Most women don’t feel spontaneous desire, or only feel it around ovulation. It’s how God made them. Expecting them to be different is just wrong.

          Of course, the women needs to learn she can be aroused and will enjoy it.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Your Sex Zones & Her Sex ZonesMy Profile

          • Agree Paul’s thoughts on this! As a woman with a completely responsive sex drive, I can say that I never just feel horny! I want connection with my husband, I want to feel close, I want to love him and please him, but I don’t have a physical desire until we start engaging in good foreplay.

            I have done exactly what Paul is talking about, “I would like to have fun with you, will you get me turned on?” There is a bit of leap of the cliff moment there. What if my body doesn’t respond well, what if I don’t get aroused?

            I don’t understand fantasizing about your spouse because I don’t have spontaneous thoughts about sex. When I get the chance to be around my husband and start to connect with him, both emotionally and through cuddling, then I might have a thought of “sex might be fun”.

            I love my husband and I’m attracted to him, but I just don’t have anything igniting my sex drive until my husband and I are into foreplay. I initiate because I want closeness, I want to love my husband, and I have positive associations with sex with my husband now.

            I have wrestled with feeling broken about this, but after a lot of reading and prayer, I believe this is how I’m made and I can still have a good sexual relationship with my husband.

            • @Wheat48 – part of what I’m trying to say is, when you feel so much desire for your spouse, but you don’t ever feel that in return, it can be hard on your psyche. Oftentimes all it takes is a smile from her and my desire for her swells. I can intellectually know that her desire for me is responsive, but even in the heat of intimacy, it feels…subtle coming from her and can mess with my mind. Imagine how it might feel if your husband rarely showed desire for you, and only after things get going in intimacy. How that might feel to you. How you might question his feelings for you. What I’m suggesting, like men are encouraged to do with their wives, is put some intentionality and effort into expanding your normal.

              • I do pursue my husband, I initiate, I verbally tell him I want to be with him and be close to him, I squeeze his butt and tell him I like it, I tell him he is sexy and handsome..the difference is the starting place I’m doing it to make him feel loved, because I want to be close to him, and because now (after lots of hard work on our marriage) sex is overall positive. I’m pursuing an emotional connection. There is no starting point of physically wanting sex or being turned on.
                I hear what you are saying I think, you want to be physically desired, maybe even a stronger word being craved…for a lot of women that doesn’t start until into foreplay. I do look at my husband and think he is handsome, but it doesn’t just click on horniness. It makes me want to be closer to him emotionally

                • @Wheat48 – that’s fair enough, and from his perspective, I’m sure gives him the feeling of being desired.

                  I still don’t agree with the blanket statement that because you and other women might be this way, that ALL wives are this way and thus NONE of them should be encouraged to more intentionally fantasize about their husbands.

                  Here is what I mean by intentionally fantasize: think back to one of the best times you had with your husband in bed. Linger on those thoughts. Remember how much fun you had and how pleasurable it was for both of you. Now let him know that you’ve been thinking about how much fun you had with him that time and you’d like that to happen again…very soon.

                  Even if you don’t get to a place where you want to jump his bones, you can’t tell me that you feel NOTHING after doing that.

                  • edit: by NOTHING, I mean nothing sexual. I know you will feel love and closeness.

                  • @closertotheheart – I’m all for women fantasising to up their sex drive. But if she doesn’t do that naturally, how do you get her to do so? Set an alarm on her phone, and when it goes off have a fantasy?

                    We’re talking about changing a behaviour that is driven by how her brain works. That’s not an easy thing to do even if she is willing. I think there are easier, more effective ways to bring about change.
                    Paul Byerly recently posted…Mindfulness?My Profile

                    • @closertotheheart and @paulbyerly I’m going to agree again with Paul. I can sit and think about a sexual time with my husband and go that would be fun again. It still doesn’t get me turned on. The good memories, the memory that it made me feel close to him, makes me want to do it again. It is not about the physical pleasure, it is about wanting to feel that closeness again. And…I would have to write it down in my planner to remind me to do it.
                      I had to do that in the beginning to get my mindset shifted to pursue my husband. Track how often we would have sex and make sure to initiate to keep that number up. I had to write it down, or I would forget how long it had been.
                      I think I know the feeling you are talking about, and it happens about halfway through a good lovemaking session. Then I’m like “get over here, I want you!”

            • Wheat48 “I have wrestled with feeling broken about this, but after a lot of reading and prayer, I believe this is how I’m made and I can still have a good sexual relationship with my husband.”

              Perfect!
              Paul Byerly recently posted…More Kissing = More Sex?My Profile

          • @Paul – By hoops, I mean all the specifics that wives say they need from their husbands in order to more likely be in the mood. Oftentimes it’s a laundry list of things that don’t come naturally to the husband or that he’s bad at, but if he wants more intimacy, he better get good at them. If husbands are encouraged to work on all of these things that don’t come naturally to them, wouldn’t it be fair to ask her to work on being more intentional about fantasizing about him? Meet halfway?

            If most women never feel spontaneous desire, then why do most of them masturbate at least occasionally? According to your old surveys (which I can no longer find), more wives than not masturbated at least occasionally, and many of them either kept it hidden from their husband or did it a lot more than he thought.

            • @closertotheheart – Yeah, that’s a problem, and I’ve talked about it. But asking her to feel something she does not feel is unfair and it’s not going to end well.

              In women masturbation and drive for sex with a partner are don’t line up the way they do in men. In general, a woman is more likely to masturbate, and to do so more often, when she is sexually active.

              The science says most women do not regularly feel spontaneous desire. I wish it were not so, but acting likes it’s not so really won’t help anyone!
              Paul Byerly recently posted…More Kissing = More Sex?My Profile

        • For me personally, I don’t fantasize about my husband because the whole point of a fantasy is to escape reality. The imaginary man that I fantasize about on occasion doesn’t leave dirty dishes and used dental floss strewn about the house for me to pick up on a regular basis, and he has never told me that he wishes I would lose weight (despite constantly striving to and struggling with an underactive thyroid). The man I fantasize about is more masculine and assertive than my husband. He regularly tells me (in actual WORDS) how hot and sexy he thinks I am (something my husband rarely does). In fact, in my fantasies even I am a ten-years-younger, fitter version of myself because the whole point is that I’m escaping reality. How many men are watching porn that closely mirrors reality? Ha. I doubt all those husbands jerking off all the time are thinking hot and heavy thoughts about their wife with cellulite, drooping boobs, graying hair and an extra 20 pounds. No. They’re thinking about fit 20 year olds or imagining their wife as a fit 20 year old or something. That’s because it’s a fantasy and it’s better than reality.

          • @L – I don’t fantasize much, but my fantasies are exclusively about my wife. Typically, they involve remembering a particularly good encounter we had. My wife is 50+ lbs overweight, and 50+ yrs old. I’m more attracted to her today than the day we married.

            I do everything I can to be positive, loving and encouraging to her. I want her to know and believe how attractive I think she is, how sexy I find her, and how much she turns me on. Usually, when I say these things to her she shrugs them off as if they couldn’t possibly be true. She gives me the impression that she doesn’t believe I feel that way. It’s like swimming upstream all the time.

            Unfortunately, I’ve gotten some hints from her that she has fantasies that sound like yours, even though I put all my effort into being the man of her dreams.

          • Sounds like your husband needs to shape up a little and make things better around the house to me. I find my wife sexy, but she doesn’t look like she did 25 years ago. And, those husbands shouldn’t be jerking off looking at porn!

  3. I believe women are capable and have it in them. After all, it is often evidenced in New relationships. The problem is, as a culture, it is taught and ingrained for wives to become distant and even difficult, and to view their husbands in a negative way. Mass media is full of this narrative going back decades. Change the cultural narrative and change how women think.

      • Two decades is an awful long time for limerance. Lol!

        Ok, ok, I know. I’m the weirdo woman with a libido. I still say a goodly portion of this is cultural and not biological.

  4. I disagree libl I think it is more biological than cultural. I grew up in a sex positive family. And I pretty much steer clear of mass media. I basically never think of sex, as in fantasying, not even when dating. I only think of it as in planning when. And yes I do enjoy it and yes we do have it numerous times per week. I actually read a couple of marriage blogs, like this one, to keep it more in mind😛 And to learn.

    • @K – what makes me think it’s cultural is each new generation after my own (I’m in my early 50s) seems to be more bold and outspoken about sex. I’ve overheard many women at work between the ages of 20-40 talking to each other about guys and sex. It’s shocking, but they are obviously thinking a lot about sex and fantasizing about guys.

      Also, there have been studies done that link sex positivity to culture. I recall Mexico having high scores for frequency and excitement levels reported, while the US is middle of the road and Australia low.

      • @closertotheheart – But sex-positive does not mean spontaneous desire. It does mean being more open to sex when suggested, and that helps, but it’s still responsive desire.

        From what I’ve seen, the percentage of women with spontaneous desire is very similar across generations. Of course, that can be tricky to judge as spontaneous desire becomes somewhat more common for women in the late 30s and early 40s.

        There is one researcher who says “A loss of spontaneous sexual desire is not pathological – it just reflects many women feeling overloaded.” In other words, she is too busy and/or too tired to care. And I think that’s a major issue today for both spontaneous and responsive sex drive.

        As for sexual frequency being high in Mexico, that’s not due to being sex-positive. As a whole Mexico is more sexually repressed than the US. Sex is more frequent because women are not treated very well in much of Mexican society. She doesn’t say no because she is not allowed to or will pay a price for doing so. And that’s not something any of us want to emulate!
        Paul Byerly recently posted…More Kissing = More Sex?My Profile

        • I still say there’s a cultural element. Look at how fad-driven most women are! Joanna Gaines single-handedly convinced women that painting their houses ugly gray and buying her decor was THE way to have a perfect home.

          Several years ago, many couch potato women where I live suddenly became “fitness coaches” riding the latest big-dollar craze. They all are, talked, dressed, and acted the same.

          Culture has a strong effect on women. Why do you think the husband-bashing is “acceptable” and the dolt-dad is still a popular sitcom character?

          We start changing the narrative.

      • I am your generation/ I am your age. And I am not from the US. I do realise that even in my country I have more sex than the average woman my age.

        My parents were intentional about sex education partly because theirs was limited, on one side. We did talk about this stuff quite matter of factly. I knew my grandfather had sex the morning of his death at 80, when I was teen. I fully expected to be having sex when I was old as a result. I was taught it was mutually fun and belonged in marriage. I went to public schools and listened to the girls talk about their exploits.

        My responsiveness does do my husbands head in at times. He spent quite some years thinking I was faulty because I was different to him but then he came with a history of porn use and a family with very different sexual message. Guys go for as much as they can get before the door slams shut and it is truth in his family, it does slam shut! Menopause literally means no more action at all!

  5. I’m wondering about the psychology of men wanting variety. I understand wanting the wife to initiate because they want to feel desired (though my husband says he doesn’t like when I initiate because then it’s not a “challenge” and something about the challenge and the
    “conquest” is what turns him on), but why does variety matter? Is it just a matter of getting bored with the same thing? What’s it matter where and how you’re doing it if you’re getting off and getting release? Isn’t that the whole point? And for those men who say sex is about emotional connection for them (my husband says it isn’t for him), what about variety makes it more emotionally connecting?

    • @L – I will just say that the more my wife is into me, the less variety matters.

      But for me, variety is mostly tied to visual stimulation. And visual stimulation is a big part of sex. Also, I’m not sure what to call this, but there’s this thing that when I know my wife likes something, that alone makes me want to do it for her. It might be something I wouldn’t like for myself, but knowing it turns her on makes me want to do it and enjoy it. Variety for me is related to this. Knowing she’s doing something specifically because she knows I enjoy it, and the fact that I enjoy it makes her enjoy it, that’s a mental turn-on. It goes both ways.

      • @closertotheheart Hmmm…so maybe it’s just that if both partners are really into it and passionate, some variety would likely naturally follow. Thanks for the explanation.

        • @L— I am a high drive woman and I do like variety. For me it’s not just about “getting off”, it’s about sharing a meaningful experience with my spouse. Having variety means we are both present, engaged, creative, open, and eager to explore with each other. That stinks that your husband told you it would be more exciting to be with another woman, but objectively it’s technically true for all of us. That doesn’t mean we want to be with another person!

    • Is it just a matter of getting bored with the same thing?

      I like ice cream. But if vanilla is the only flavor available, it’s going to get old after a while.

  6. @closertotheheart,
    I am from a different generation than you and I would fall into that group of women that is super sex positive and I am more like @libl and a few other women where my sex drive is really high. Not much makes me blush even though I was raised in a conservative church. I attribute my pro sex attitude to the exposure I had to non Christian women. However, for as strong as my drive is if we compared my strong drive to a mans strong drive mine I am sure would still be more responsive than a mans. I fall in line with other women who will masturbate regularly. If I don’t my drive drops. However, I don’t probably feel the same pressure all the time as a high drive man that I HAVE to have a release daily. Sure, I get to that point but it doesn’t come as quick as I think it would for a high drive man. To be clear I am a woman who could easily have sex daily. So it’s not like I think high drive is one day a week. I understand how you feel in wanting your wife to show desire I am just not sure all women feel it. Even non Christian friends who are sex positive, several are responsive. They are eager once he starts to warm up the car for lack of a better analogy.

  7. @Tom: “I like ice cream. But if vanilla is the only flavor available, it’s going to get old after a while.”

    I have read this kind of comment several times. It always leads me to think: So wouldn’t men get tired of the same wife after a while?

    Not a very reassuring thought.

    • “wouldn’t men get tired of the same wife after a while?”
      That’s a no for me. I’ll be honest: there are times reading the comments here that I get envious of the drive that a few of the women have. My mind will go to “I wish my wife had your drive”, but that’s about as far as that ever goes.

    • @Wife- That does not seem like a logical jump to me. Perhaps it’s a reflection of your own fears?

      Yes, there are men who want a lot of women. But there are also men who find the very idea disgusting. My son (grown and married) were talking yesterday, and we both felt this way.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Gotta Get Away?My Profile

      • No, not a reflection of my own fears.

        It’s the natural conclusion that results from men repeatedly stating that specific example.

        It doesn’t seem like a logical jump to you?

        Just follow the logic.

        This is the statement:
        “I like ice cream. But if vanilla is the only flavor available, it’s going to get old after a while.”

        Men present this statement to explain why they desire variety in the bedroom. They give no disclaimer saying that certain things (eg. a wife) are excluded from the statement. Therefore, apply the statement like so…

        “I like LINGERIE. But if RED BABYDOLL is the only flavour available, it’s going to get old after a while.”

        “I like PIV. But if MISSIONARY is the only flavor available, it’s going to get old after a while.”

        and…

        “I like SEX WITH A WOMAN. But if MY WIFE is the only flavor available, it’s going to get old after a while.”

        Men tell us that they desire variety. Everything becomes old after a while. They use the vanilla ice cream statement to help us wives understand how the same thing over and over becomes undesirable.

        Perhaps if men presented the vanilla ice cream statement with a short disclaimer (saying that, of course, this doesn’t mean we desire variety in women!), then our minds wouldn’t naturally end up going to that conclusion.

        As it stands, we are left to apply the vanilla ice cream statement and arrive at the logical conclusion – men can get bored of the same wife (just like they apparently can get bored of everything else in the bedroom), and a new woman would be a desirable form of variety.

        Whether this is reflective of reality or not, this is the logical conclusion of applying the vanilla ice cream statement. If you don’t want that conclusion, then please, use a disclaimer!

        • @Wife – I accept it’s a logical conclusion for you. But it’s not for me.

          The exception you suggest does not seem necessary. My wife knows I have no interest in anyone else, so why would I tag that onto what I say? If anything it would start to seem like I was trying to convince her, or me, that it was so.

          Honestly, until I read this it never occurred to me this would be a next thought for a woman.

          Live and learn!
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Ride Her MoodsMy Profile

          • @Paul – The exception I suggest may not seem necessary to you, but I wasn’t thinking of it being said directly by you to your wife.

            I took the analogy as being posted on an internet website (which it was) by a male that I don’t know personally, for any random female to read (myself being one of those females).

            I hope that explains why a disclaimer would be helpful in such a context.

              • Can you take on feedback?

                All I’m saying is this: That thought might not come into evey person’s mind, but it will happen to some. I’m simply suggesting that men who choose to use that analogy should use a disclaimer, or use a better analogy.

                That’s all. You can take it or leave it.

                • @Wife – I understand what you’re saying and agree it would be good.

                  But I don’t think you are hearing what I’m saying. Expecting a disclaimer from someone who does not even think about what the disclaimer covers is an unfair expectation.
                  Paul Byerly recently posted…We See What We ExpectMy Profile

                  • In that case, would it be unfair to expect that if a woman asked the question -“So wouldn’t men get tired of the same wife after a while?”, that she could receive a simple answer to her question, like @closertotheheart and @Tom did?

                    Would it be unfair to expect that people could respond without accusing her of having ‘fears’ and ‘assumptions’, or going nuclear on her like some chose to?

                    Is it an unfair expectation that an honest question could simply be met with an honest answer, without throwing in judgement?

                    As I commented to @libl, I understood this forum was for wives to learn how men think. If a question like mine receives that sort of response, I don’t think it encourages women to ask the honest questions they have. You may think I’m a fruit loop, but my question was honest nonetheless.

                    • @Wife – I thought I did that when I said it did not seem logical to me. I asked the question to get you to think. You said that was not the case and I dropped it.

                      This is not just you, several women have told us that this conclusion is so obvious we must see it. The implication is those who say they don’t are lying.

                      And no, men don’t like to be accused of lying. That’s part of how we think.

                      I do find it fascinating that this conclusion is so obvious to many women and beyond belief to many men. Says something about our culture.
                      Paul Byerly recently posted…We See What We ExpectMy Profile

                    • @Paul – No, in addition to telling me I was being illogical, you added in your own judgement regarding my supposed ‘fears’.

                      I also never said anything about men lying, and I certainly was not insinuating any such thing. Your last comment seems to infer that I was – I hope this is not the case.

                    • @Wife – I asked a question and accepted your answer. To me, that is not at all like an accusation. That said I know some women ask questions as a way of saying something, so I can see why you felt that way. Sorry.

                      My last comment was predicated on the observations that other women are saying similar things. It was not about you, but rather the bigger issue.
                      Paul Byerly recently posted…We See What We ExpectMy Profile

        • @wife, I am a woman and yes I agree 100% with you that that is the natural, logical conclusion. It blows my mind that men don’t get that when it is almost PAINFULLY obvious.

          You did an excellent job of explaining it. Maybe that will help some men understand why their wives can be insecure at times.

          • It is not “painfully obvious” to the men because to them, who are the one’s saying it in the first place, it is “painfully obvious” that doing that is so far out of bounds as to not even be considered. Most of us God-fearing husbands didn’t have sex with any women before getting married, so why would we suddenly want sex with other women now that’s we are married?

            I’m probably going to get railed on for this, so please look at all the qualifiers (“one reason”, “think”, and “some”), but I think one reason some women jump to that conclusion is because they have an easy mindset getting there themselves. They do things like fantasize about other men, or at least other situations, when having sex to get more aroused. They read massive amounts of erotica based on married women having sex with other men (think Outlander). They are openly envious of other families/husbands where the man wears nicer clothes, makes more money, etc. No, that’s not all women, but I’ve read enough Reddit to conclude it’s not some tiny minority. Oh, and lets not forget that in the youngest demographics the wives cheat just as much if not more than the husbands. And don’t even get me started on how much more cheating goes on at bachelorette parties than at bachelor parties (when we were engaged, my wife watched a bride-to-be take “blowjob shots” from guys’ crotches at that soon-to-be-bride’s bachelorette part). Personally, I lived with a wife that was a gatekeeper for about half a decade while she devoured romance novels, including 50 Shades, on a regular basis–usually hours per night.

            Now I do think that spontaneous-drive spouses, mostly men then, do sometimes think about what it’d be like to have sex with a wife with a different body type. That includes larger OR smaller breasts. Heavier OR lighter on the scale. Shorter, taller, OR the same height as the husband. You get the point. But none of that wondering actually means we want to have sex with someone else! No different than someone thinking and actor/actress is attractive…doesn’t mean they want to have sex with said person. But that one thing that all that wondering/fantasizing has in common…each of those different body types came with ENTHUSIASM.

            -Scott

            • @Scott – When you said, “…jump to that conclusion…”, I’m wondering if you are referring to me asking my original question (“So wouldn’t men get tired of the same wife after a while?”)?

              I hope my question wasn’t interpreted as me jumping to that conclusion, because that’s not what I was doing at all. I was only asking if the given analogy applied in that way. I apologize if that’s how my question came across.

              I appreciate your comment, and the explanation you offered. Although I will say that I was rather disturbed when reading the things you described that some women partake in. Perhaps I’m sheltered (I probably am), but I was quite shocked, and saddened to think that this is what married women would do.

              • “I apologize if that’s how my question came across.”

                Apology accepted. And I also apologize if I misinterpreted the question.

                “Although I will say that I was rather disturbed when reading the things you described that some women partake in.”

                It was quite depressing for me in my early 20’s, seeing this kind of thing firsthand (especially in grad school). I don’t know your age, but I’m an older millennial (so mid-30’s now), and where I went to school, one couldn’t really have a social life if they didn’t get drunk and do crazy stuff. It was quite upsetting to me when I first dated my now wife who attended some of those types of events.

                According to this 2014 article ( https://ifstudies.org/blog/reforming-the-bachelor-and-bachelorette ), which I think was well researched, 1.2% of men cheated at their bachelor party, whereas 2.6% of women cheated at their bachelorette party. That last one is roughly 1 in 38, which is crazy to me. And I’ve seen a huge number of other “stats” claiming the rate for both men and women to be higher (as in, 1 in 3 cheat), though I don’t find them as reliable.

                As far as 50 Shades, I’ve tried to get stats on that over the years but they’re kind of all over the map. I think the best numbers I saw came from a 2013 report that roughly 1/5 Christians had read it. The large majority of those are likely women, so it’s reasonable to suspect that 30-40% of Christian women had read it as of 7 years ago. These things are so difficult to track, as my wife got her copy as a digital loan from our local public library! I didn’t know she’d read the first book, much less the whole series, until years later. One bright side on that was that my finding out about her reading the trilogy was the straw that broke the camel’s back that resulted in my confessing my porn problem to my wife! Despite that confession, she still insists and reading the Outlander series…that was one thing she refused to let go of.

                -Scott

                • @Scott – “One bright side on that was that my finding out about her reading the trilogy was the straw that broke the camel’s back that resulted in my confessing my porn problem to my wife!”

                  Did she feel that reading the 50 Shades series was wrong? It doesn’t sound like she thinks there’s anything wrong with reading Outlander.

                  • You know, I’m not completely sure. However, from what I’ve gathered she doesn’t think her reading erotica has been wrong. She says she does not get aroused by it. shrug

                    -Scott

                    • @Scott – “She says she does not get aroused by it. shrug”

                      It’s much harder to prove a woman is aroused than a man. After having watched the first few episodes of Outlander and reading up on all the female bloggers of the show, it’s pretty obvious that it is meant to arouse and that many women have no qualms with admitting how arousing it is. Probably not to their husbands, though.

                    • @closertotheheart:

                      You’re comparing the show to the books. I watched the first three seasons of Outlander with my DW. She got them from the library as well. This was about a year before my porn confession and also long before I’d begun working to fix my decaying marriage or read how bad erotica was. Anyway, I think the only time she initiated sex in a 2-3 year span, outside of TTC, was right after she’d watched Outlander with me. It hurt and I certainly felt really used (I got a ton of rejections in that time span). So clearly the show has some ability to get her aroused.

                      It’s interesting you bring this topic up though. I had a good (platonic) relationship with another woman on a different forum and have talked with her about this. She suggested the same thing, and she also had the additional info that my DW had never had an orgasm at that point in our relationship. She thinks that now that my wife really knows/understands her arousal patterns and signs that she might feel differently. Another thought I had was that the discussions we had around this were centered on 50 Shades and similar, rather than Outlander. Perhaps the Outlander books press her buttons in ways the others don’t.

                      -Scott

    • Some men? Sure. But I would wager those are the same ones who were playboys before they got married.

      I love my wife. I only want to be with her. I’d just prefer more variety in the bedroom – again, with her.

  8. @wife I’ve thought the same thing! My husband actually told me once that he would be more excited in bed if I was a different woman (any other woman). Kind of just made me give up. I can’t possibly be someone else to keep him entertained, so what’s the point of trying? But in a way it is reassuring when I’m feeling insecure about my looks because I think even if I was the hottest woman on the planet, he’d still get bored eventually, so the pressure is off in that way.

  9. @closertotheheart That’s a really nice sentiment (that you only fantasize about your wife). I have a feeling you’re a rarity among husbands.

  10. @Wheat48 @Paul Byerly

    “I can sit and think about a sexual time with my husband and go that would be fun again. It still doesn’t get me turned on. The good memories, the memory that it made me feel close to him, makes me want to do it again. It is not about the physical pleasure, it is about wanting to feel that closeness again. And…I would have to write it down in my planner to remind me to do it.”

    If my wife intentionally fantasized about me and it got her to a place where she felt close to me and wanted to feel that closeness again, and it led to her initiating sexual intimacy more frequently, I would not be hurt that she wasn’t horny for me before we got together. I would actually be grateful that she did something intentionally that led to her wanting to be with me more often. So I’m not sure why we’re disagreeing so much about this. Maybe I placed too much emphasis on “horny” and not enough on her wanting sexual intimacy badly enough that our frequency goes up.

    “I had to do that in the beginning to get my mindset shifted to pursue my husband. Track how often we would have sex and make sure to initiate to keep that number up. I had to write it down, or I would forget how long it had been.”

    So what about this made it different enough than fantasizing that made it worth the effort to write down and keep track? You and Paul made comments that made it clear you both thought reminders to fantasize were a bad/ridiculous idea, yet you chose that very path to get your mindset shifted to pursue your husband.

    • @closertotheheart. We are probably closer in agreement on this, but seeing through different lenses. As a low drive, responsive, fantasizing sounds really unappealing. Perhaps like trying to eat when you aren’t hungry. Reminding myself to think about being close to my husband is about a hunger I have all the time. My hunger sexually doesn’t turn on until well into sex. Speaking as someone who is low drive and responsive, I think a more successful path is to create many positive associations with sex, remind oneself to think about these positive sexual times, and remind oneself to pursue your spouse. Telling low drive responsive to fantasize will land flat. I’m not in this group of women secretly masturbating. I didn’t masturbate in marriage at all until my husband really pushed 17 years into our marriage so I could figure out my body. Even still, it wasn’t appealing, kind of empty and hollow

      • @Wheat48 – When my mom was dying she lost her appetite – which is what the body does. She was determined to keep going, and knew she needed to eat to do it. She spent hours watching cooking shows (something she’d never done before) trying to give herself an appetite. And it didn’t work.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…We See What We ExpectMy Profile

      • @Wheat48 – Yeah. What I said in the previous post now seems much more appropriate:

        “she did something intentionally that led to her wanting to be with me more often.”

        It just so happens that from my male perspective, fantasizing is the obvious “something”. And maybe my version of fantasize is different than your version or someone else’s.

        From what you’ve described, you have a “something” that you do to lead you to want to be intimate with your husband more often. That’s really awesome.

  11. @Wife
    This is one reason I’ve always heard given for why men like porn so much. There’s endless variety and different women. Just makes it seem like one woman has no chance of keeping a man interested in only her sexually for very long. Eventually his mind will start drifting to other women. I know there are some nice married men who try to fight this temptation because they love their wife or for religious reasons, but they still have to fight it because by nature they want different women because one can’t offer all the variety they crave.

    • @L – Men don’t see women when they look at porn. They see body parts.

      Porn is not sex. Porn is not something a man does with a real woman. This means porn does not work like sex. And sex does not work like porn.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Ride Her MoodsMy Profile

      • @Paul Well, exactly. They still want their wife for all the emotional stuff, but they want other women to fulfill them sexually. I don’t know what else you’d call staring at other women and masturbating to them.

        • Porn is a stimuli. I would say that actually wanting another woman is fairly rare. Instead, they are using a visual stimuli to “get off” rather than actually desiring sex with the porn actress or other women.

        • @L “They still want their wife for all the emotional stuff, but they want other women to fulfill them sexually. I don’t know what else you’d call staring at other women and masturbating to them.”

          As a former porn watcher, I can tell you this is far from the truth. When I watched porn, I didn’t even masturbate. The act of watching women enjoy sex enthusiastically (even if it’s just bad acting) fed something in my brain that I wasn’t getting from my wife. I suspect it’s a very similar thing with women who read romance novels or watch sexually explicit romance shows (historical romance and vampire shows seem most common). We (men/women collectively who have done such things) are getting an easy arousal fix with little/no effort, in areas that we feel are lacking in our love lives. In my view, a guy getting off on watching porn to see women enjoying sex is the same as a woman getting off on watching Outlander to see a perfect guy do and say all the right things and take his clothes off and make love to his woman exactly how she wants him to.

        • Completely agree with libl and closertotheheart here. At least after marriage, watching porn was not really about lusting after the actresses more than getting a “fix” from the enthusiastic sex. The visual stimuli certainly made arousal easy, and doing that was less painful than fantasizing about an altered version of my wife who wanted sex and would be willing to accept cunnilingus, perform fellatio, etc.

          -Scott

        • @L – Sorry I was not clear. Most men, as opposed to boys, want to have sex with a real live 3D woman who is more than just sex. They don’t want her for the rest, they want her for all of it including sex.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…The Importance of RoutineMy Profile

  12. Be careful, L and Wife. You are letting your own fears and assumptions speak over the truth coming from the men’s mouths, here. Not only are you mistaken, but you are femme-splaining. Trust the guys here! They have no reason to lie.

    Besides, no man is married to the same woman. We women change so much. My husband married a too-skinny, naive virgin, but is now married to a more curvy, sexual powerhouse. My body, inside and out has changed. My character has developed. My personality has matured. I have found different interests. Even my faith has changed. What I can do in bed is different. How good I am in bed is different. How my body responds is different. I’ve been pregnant, lactating, fit, post-baby chubby, blond, brunette, redhead…..

    Perhaps that is why men seem to have a variety need….it helps them enjoy their ever-changing wife.

    • Femme-splaining? Fears and assumptions?

      No. Just following the logic given by some of the men, and highlighting one of the natural conclusions. If the conclusion isn’t true of men in reality, then they should change their vanilla ice cream analogy (or add a disclaimer, like I suggested). Simple.

      Also, I don’t think anyone is lying (despite what you wrote). I do think some are using a poor analogy to explain the desire for variety, but I certainly don’t believe anyone was being untruthful.

      • It’s totally femme-splaining. If a man didn’t take you at your word and argued over you based on his point-of-view fear or anger or ignorance based “logical conclusions,” you’d call it mansplaining.

        Men: I’d like more than vanilla sex.

        Women: You want sex with other women??!!

        Men: wait….what?! No! That’s not what I said!!

        Women: yes, it is! Vanilla sex means wife, and you want the whole ice cream shop!

        Men: No, that is NOT what I mean! I’m talking about sex with my wife, not sex in general with just anyone!

        Women: well, thats not what you said. You said vanilla. Vanilla means wife.

        Men: Vanilla does NOT mean wife!!

        Women: yes, it does because that’s how I take the meaning.

        Men: but that’s not what I meant!

        Women: yes it is because my hurt feelings say so.

        Men: what??!!

        Seriously, it’s like arguing with Daniel Webster over a dictionary definition because you misunderstood a meaning of a word and refuse to be corrected.

        • Reading what you wrote makes me realise that I have communicated poorly, because what you wrote is not what I was saying at all. So, I apologize. I clearly have not expressed my thoughts in the right way, and I am sorry.

          I’m not here to argue. I was hoping to learn.

          I originally commented because I had seen that analogy used several times, and I was sharing the question that it led me to ask – “So wouldn’t men get tired of the same wife after a while?”. A question that arose purely from me applying the analogy – if I have applied it incorrectly, I apologize. It was not a statement of fact, nor an accusation – again, I am sorry if it came across that way.

          I was simply trying to ask a question. The responses from @closertotheheart and @Tom answered my question – the answer is ‘no’. So I learnt that the analogy isn’t meant to be applied to wives. This is helpful to me, thank you.

          Other responses told me that I was being illogical, and that I have fears, assumptions, and some other not so nice comments. I understood this forum was for wives to learn how men think. If a question like mine receives that sort of response, I don’t think it encourages women to ask the honest questions they have. You may think I’m a fruit loop, but my question was honest nonetheless.

          (P.S. No, I would not call it mansplaining. I’ve never used such terms, nor anything similar.)

    • libl “but you are femme-splaining”

      Now there’s something I can’t say!

      Porn is a freeze-frame of one part of who a woman is (even if it’s a moving image). A real live flesh and blood woman is so much more. She has depth and width and complexity.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Ride Her MoodsMy Profile

    • @libl Maybe I am wrong, and I’m not a man, so I can’t pretend to know what they’re thinking. I was just going off of what I’ve heard men say on different forums online and even what I’ve heard my own husband say. My husband actually likened it to eating at the same restaurant over and over. It might be your favorite restaurant, but eventually you’ll get bored of eating there. Maybe that’s not the reality for some husbands, and it’s nice to think it’s not (and how lucky for the wives of those men. Maybe you are one such wife).

      But then why are there so many men (even in the church) that say they love their wife but they’re addicted to porn and they can’t seem to stop? It just usually seems like this is a strong temptation for men, but why would it be if they were easily sexually satisfied with only their wife? It seems like many men often end up venturing outside of the marriage in some way to satisfy all their desires.

      • I’m not a man, either, but I get it because it is basic logic/fact vs emotion.

        A large reason why porn is rampant in the church is because of the novelty and ease of internet porn. It’s been around for 25 years, so it was new and shiney during many of these guys’ formative years. I believe we’ll start seeing a drop in numbers as the novelty wears off and people are more educated and proactive about it.

        Porn isn’t variety. It is porn. Which means it is a mockery, a lie that plays into the goodness God put in man’s sexuality and twists it into a fictional tale that feels real.

        I wouldn’t even say male sexuality is about variety (correct me if I am wrong, men) but about playfulness, enthusiasm, freedom with each other. That may contain some variety, but variety isn’t the prevailing word of the day.

        Charlie, thanks. My husband absolutely disallows femme-speak. His mom abused it greatly, so he is adamant I listen well and speak straight.

        • “I wouldn’t even say male sexuality is about variety (correct me if I am wrong, men) but about playfulness, enthusiasm, freedom with each other. That may contain some variety, but variety isn’t the prevailing word of the day.”

          I think that’s a fair assessment. Variety would be a natural extension of those three characteristics you listed.

          If (for example) my wife said “OK, we’ll do all the positions you want, in every room in the house, but I’ll make sure you know how much of an imposition this is for me and how much I’m not enjoying it” – well, the variety in and of itself would be pretty hollow.

          I’ve seen a lot of references to porn upthread… and that kind of ties into the same thought. Much of the appeal of porn is the enthusiasm shown by the woman – she’s just as into it (if not moreso) than the man.

          • That’s what frustrates women about porn, because it is largely a false display. Most women aren’t that enthusiastic. As sex positive and high libido as I am, to match the ravenous attitudes of porn actresses would be a leap for me. That’s the point. It is fantasy that feeds the male psyche in an errant way, creating a need for itself while ignoring the reality.

            I think men need to be reeducate on the thrill of the chase, the masculine dominance and pursuit of the feminine, and the beauty of female responsiveness. Even for me, the porn-driven-societal need for women to be that “on” is exhausting, frustrating, unrealistic, and denies a side of my femininity that I long to have recognized, appreciated, and enjoyed.

            It sucks to not be a wife pursued.

            • No argument there. But there is a middle ground between fake porn enthusiasm and “lay back and thing of England,” where sex is treated solely as something she endures for his benefit.

        • “I wouldn’t even say male sexuality is about variety (correct me if I am wrong, men) but about playfulness, enthusiasm, freedom with each other.”

          This is certainly correct. On a recent thread in another forum, I said “For me, all roads lead through enthusiasm.” We don’t have much variety, but in the same thread I said “Most of the time, it’s a bit of foreplay, lube up, grab her favorite vibe, then do the go-to position plus the vibe until she’s a puddle of oxytocin. But it doesn’t bother me at all because she comes in with her game face on.”

          We are getting playfulness and enthusiasm down. I do find myself longing for some “freedom with each other” sometimes, so I hope we make progress there too!

          -Scott

          • @Scott, variety is hard, even for sex-positive (I’m going to abbreviate that to sex+), high libido women like me, because despite feeling horny and being fairly quickly orgasmic, my body basically trains itself to the “regulars.” Straying away from the usual repertoire can mean no orgasm or a weaker one, and feelings of dissatisfaction….or, it can mean over stimulation, which is more cortisol-inducing than oxytocin.

            In a marriage where the husband isn’t as selfless as he ought to be, variety means “for him” and she misses out. So, it is double-trouble for her.

            Another reason for same ol’, even for me, is that changes in position and prolonged intercourse can result in pain and discomfort after the fact. I’m far too busy in my day to day life to be hindered by the pain. It feels like my vagina is trying to turn inside out. It’s tender! Lots of scar tissue. It would be like you having to pull a full day’s work feeling like someone kicked you in the scrotum all day.

            Now, if we lived in a time that recognized and honored female sexual delicacy and allowed her time to recover instead of making her work like a man, then I would be more open to the risk of pain and training my body to other things in bed. But, so long as I am expected to pull a 4:30 AM to 10:30 PM every single day, pretty much only sitting down when I have to use the toilet, I just can’t over extend myself into unknown sexual territory.

            So, even where a wife is playful and enthusiastic, and variety ought to be a natural outcome of that, it is hindered for these reasons. The biggest one, for me, is the loss of my feminine position in life. I work HARD and I simply cannot risk losing a day or battling through a day because of sex. If I was honored at home, allowed my feminine needs to be met, then I could and would.

            • Agree with libl on this. I am willing to be adventurous, but it often means a sacrifice of my orgasm. I try to offer quickies with adventure to meet this need. I need to feel safe and relaxed to orgasm. As well, my body often kind of freaks out when things change up, and doesn’t respond well. For example, I can orgasm from OS laying on my back 98% of the time. I can orgasm from OS while sitting above my husband maybe 25%. Most of the time I will ask to switch back to laying on my back because it is so much harder.

            • This:

              “Straying away from the usual repertoire can mean no orgasm or a weaker one, and feelings of dissatisfaction….or, it can mean over stimulation, which is more cortisol-inducing than oxytocin.”

              Over stimulation can be very painful. And being highly aroused and left hanging is torture. And this:

              “changes in position and prolonged intercourse can result in pain and discomfort after the fact.“

              I find this hard to navigate. Being treated as selfish because this is my reality is hard. I take my role as wife very seriously, I try very hard. And libl thanks for sharing, knowing that I am not alone in this experience is helpful.

              • I think it’s important for guys to hear the perspective that K, Wheat48, and libl share.

                Guys, take me at my word on this. The more fun and pleasure she has, the better it will be for you too. If that means cutting out activities or positions that lead her away from fun and pleasure, so be it. And I bet the more fun and pleasure she has over the long haul, the more likely variety will grow naturally, and the less important variety will be for you.

                • I will second that amen! Also, for at least a subset of women (including my wife), once they get a first O so many more things feel pleasurable for them. So if you can find somethings that works for them, get them that O, then you can add the variety.

                  My wife has literally said, unsolicited mind you, “do whatever you want to me” a couple times after she’s O’d once in a session. I’ve respected her and not tried to push into anything new there, but I have swapped up positions multiple times, gotten a little firmer with the PIV, etc…and she enjoyed it all (actually, post-O she prefers really firm PIV…so much so that I can’t last)! Honestly, I so thoroughly enjoy giving her pleasure I’ll usually give her a shot at a second O by not mixing it up, even if it’s on the menu.

                  This is totally different from where we were a year ago. At that point, we were approaching 12 yr without an O for her. Sex for her wasn’t bad, but it was no better than a nice massage. Since getting her a vibe and figuring out how to use it, she gets at least one O 97% of the time. We recently did a “quiz” where one question is what she would do if we had a sexual session that was “for her”. Her answer–“all of our sessions are for me now.”

                  As is usually the case with these things, your mileage may vary.

                  -Scott

  13. Wow, libl, you should get some sort of award. You have described something that men deal with on a regular basis. A man looks at his wife through his testosterone-drenched eyes and tells her she looks gorgeous naked, and she looks at her body through estrogen-saturated eyes and essentially tells him that he is lying. And it goes on and on. We are rarely believed because there is only one correct perspective—the female one. To say that it is extremely frustrating would be a monstrous understatement. Even our praise is splained away.

    • Ahhhhhh @Charlie O, how I wish I could believe you. I honestly mean that. I’m a woman. I am not beautiful. It is what it is. My husband tells me I’m beautiful, but I’m not fooled. I’d like to believe him, but I have eyes. I do not see what he sees. I see so many flaws. So, so, so many flaws. I really wish I could see what he sees, because it sure feels very much like he’s lying, because that’s what husbands think they are “supposed” to say. Beautiful women catch his eye. I can understand that. Most of them look absolutely nothing like me at all. I think he has also made peace with it, and just says kind things. I act like I believe him, which is also dishonest, but it makes him unhappy if I say true things about myself (which he sees as negative). So I try to play along.

      But it hurts my heart. I love the beach. He loves taking me to the beach. But it gets harder and harder every year. The women get more beautiful and I get older, and I am sure he must be noticing, and dreaming, and feeling sad that he didn’t hold out for someone a little bit better.

      But he pretends he likes me, and I pretend I believe him, and I do feel loved that he cares enough to try. But in my heart I’m sad knowing I will never really be who he deserves.

      And I think most women have seen plenty of nearly nude, amazingly attractive women even in the checkout line at the grocery store, or on the sidelines of an NFL game to know what is considered truly beautiful. Airbrushed or not, those women still far exceed my stretch marks and too long legs. I know he knows I’m not quite in the “beautiful” category. So I can only speak for myself, but that is why I cannot believe my husband when I know I have so many physical flaws, and I know he knows that, and I know that “beautiful” is not really an adjective that can be applied to me.

      And before you think I’m ridiculous, it’s not just magazines, there are plenty of physically flawless women walking around everywhere and it’s even harder in the summer, because there is so much for men to notice, it makes an average woman like me feel even more inadequate.

      So all of that to say I’d like to believe you that husbands are telling the truth, and some probably are, but I don’t think mine is. I really don’t see how he could be.

      • B, your fallacious idea is based on a huge error: that a woman can fundamentally understand a man. The reverse is equally true. Then you compound your mistake by rejecting what you don’t understand. I‘m not going to try to explain it to you because we men don’t really understand it ourselves, but we experience it. God made men FAR MORE visually fascinated by a woman’s body, than women are by a man’s. And, he designed it to last for a life time. And he designed us to be able to fixate on the parts we like without being bothered by what our wives consider flaws—stretch marks, sagging skin, etc. We’re aware of them, but they aren’t an impediment to our enjoying looking. Also, as we age our tastes change: we like more weight on our lady, and we think older looks better than we could ever have imagined when we were young. When your husband compliments your body, don’t try (as a woman) to understand, because it is impossible. Just BELIEVE and enjoy. Otherwise you will be both unhappy and wrong. Trust me, a woman is not qualified to make a male evaluation in these matters.

  14. @B, you post a lot of really self deprecating things here. How you are not as beautiful as your husband deserves (?). Ok, we get it. You’re not a supermodel. Guess what, neither are most women. I bet your husband doesn’t look like a calendar model either, and there are guys at the beach with six packs who look better than him, and he isn’t losing sleep over it. And even beautiful women over time will lose their looks. It’s ok. Girl, you need to do some positive self talk and get over this issue. Or seek counseling. I say this in a positive and encouraging way.

  15. @closertotheheart

    “I think it’s important for guys to hear the perspective that K, Wheat48, and libl share.”

    Thank you.

    Modern sexuality and porn has torn apart a side of femininity that has contributed to the problems discussed here. We see a ravenously sexual actress having aggressive sex in a myriad of ways. What we don’t see is her bleeding for days afterwards, seeing a gynecologist for stitches, sobbing in her shower, pulling drugs out of her nightstand so she can sleep at night, an ice-pack ready to soothe her bruised underside.

    Now, I know the men here don’t want or expect that from their wives, but, I think we need to agree that this has affected both men and women and pushed both towards the polar pendulum extremes.

    What we need is that generous middle ground. My husband relishes in my high libido. He has to do very little, sexually. The unfortunate consequence is that my responsive feminine nature (which is still there even if I have a more masculine libido) is ignored. Some may call it hoop-jumping, and some wives may abuse it into hoop-jumping, but I’m talking about the wooing, a bit of romance, the enjoyment of my femininity, and not just the use of my female body parts. To be loved and respected as a lady, and not treated like “one of the guys” or “the old ball and chain.”

    The gist of this thread is:

    Men: please, wives, we love and want you and want to enjoy you fully and in a growing, exciting way. We want to be wanted in return!

    Women: please understand that you are asking for more than what our nature allows. Accept me and my femininity and love me for me!

    Porn is unrealistic, erotica is unrealistic, and modern sexuality is unsustainable. Generous, loving, Biblical reality is where we need to be.

  16. @Paul – “Multiple studies have shown that women are very bad at knowing if they are aroused.
    So I’m sure she does not feel aroused, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t.”

    I still have trouble believing this. I’d be more likely to believe “women are very bad at admitting they are aroused.”

      • @Paul – I’m sure there are women who truly don’t know when they are aroused, but I also think that society has conditioned women to keep such things private, not to be admitted to at all costs. Whether it’s modesty, embarrassment, or not wanting to be seen as oversexed (because that label is for men), I think many women will report that they are not aroused when they know that they are. That’s just my personal opinion.

        • Are we talking about arousal as in desiring sex in a desperate way scenario?

          Or are we talking about a female body responding to sexual stimulation by becoming wet and engorged etc.

          Because a woman could respond but not necessarily be aroused. Arousal has more of a mental aspect and can be impeded by things like stress and tiredness. And sometimes arousal can happen before an adequate response but isn’t that what spontaneous desire is?

          And yes her body responding is not always obvious to a woman and that is through no desire for self deception or trying to be ‘private’.

          • @K – Men and women have been monitored for arousal while watching porn and other images. They are asked how aroused the are. Men’s subjective arousal (how aroused they say they are) correlates very well with that the measuring instruments say. Women’s subjective arousal does not correlate well with what the instruments say.
            Paul Byerly recently posted…Do You Even Ask?My Profile

            • @Paul – “Men and women have been monitored for arousal while watching porn and other images. They are asked how aroused the are. Men’s subjective arousal (how aroused they say they are) correlates very well with that the measuring instruments say. Women’s subjective arousal does not correlate well with what the instruments say.”

              This is a bit different than women not knowing IF they are aroused. I am assuming they are rating their arousal level on a scale. So it’s not like they are saying they either are or are not aroused, they are probably rating their arousal level on scale of 1 to 10 or something similar. This gives them a lot of freedom to rate themselves lower than they actually feel, without saying they aren’t aroused at all.

              That said, I still believe that many women are more likely to under-report their arousal level, and that most men are likely to report exactly how aroused they subjectively feel, just based on societal norms. Men are already expected to be at higher arousal levels, so they feel no pressure to under-report, while I imagine women do feel the pressure not to appear overly sexual, so they may be more likely to under-report their arousal level.

              • @closertotheheart – There are variations, and some women do better than others. There is evidence that women who are “uptight” about sex do far worse. But the bottom line is that woman as a whole are not very good at determining how aroused their body is. So a woman reading something sexy might be physically aroused and not know it.
                Paul Byerly recently posted…ConformityMy Profile

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Desktop Version | Switch To Mobile Version
%d bloggers like this: