Why people commit adultery is a difficult question to answer. If you ask people who have done it, very few will include selfishness or being immoral in their list of reasons, most will want to blame their spouse. Getting the truth requires getting past the lies cheater tell others as well as the lies they tell themselves. Then there’s the difficulty of getting a group of cheaters to talk to. One larger study looked at those who were using the Ashley Madison website to find someone to cheat with. But those who are looking for adultery are not the same as those who are willing to do it if they have an opportunity. Some of those who are willing don’t even know they’re willing until they’re given an opportunity. And, if you look at various studies and surveys, you find conflicting results on some issues. This is due to the different groups studied and how certain questions were answered.

All that said, I recently spent some time looking at a number of studies to try and glean some understanding.

A few things I learned:

1. Cheating is a moral issue. Some men will do it with little or no reason, while others won’t do it even given every reason.
2. The vast majority of men say sex is not the primary reason they cheat. 
3. Relationship issues are the reason most men give for cheating. They cite emotional distance and feeling underappreciated is a major reason.
4. Men who make a lot less money than their wife are more likely to cheat. The theory is they cheat to prove their masculinity. 
5. The “other woman” was not a major factor in why men cheat. Men didn’t say the other woman came after them, they often didn’t find the sex much better, and 88% of men said their wife is as good looking or better looking than the women they cheated with.
6. Religion and cheating have a convoluted relationship. Men who take their religion seriously are less prone to cheating. However, men who have a lot of sexual guilt because of their religion are more likely to cheat.
7. New porn use doubles the chance a man will cheat. The question here is cause and effect. Does the porn use lead a man to cheat or does some other factor increase both the willingness to use porn and to cheat?

The bottom line is that while cheating is not all about the wife, most of the time her choices are a big factor. I’m not justifying anyone, just making the point. The good news is most women can greatly influence his choices by working at having a good intimate relationship complete with a reasonable sex life. And it seems the relationship part of that is more important than the sexual part.

To be clear, I’m not looking to blame the victim here. But it’s rare for an affair to happen “for no reason”. We influence our spouses for good and for bad, and often that influence is significant.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I only have eyes for Lori!

A post worth reading:

The Romantic Vineyard | What Is Your Endurance Level in Marriage? ◄ Do you need to increase it?

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