This is going to be a difficult and uncomfortable post, but I think its something some of you really need to hear and embrace.

The simple bottom line here is that his sexual sin probably has far less to do with you and your marriage than you think. This is not always the case, but it is true often, and probably the majority of the time.

Over thirty years of doing marriage ministry with a focus on sexuality, I’ve had plenty of men confess a really horrible sexual sin*. Many of these were one time events or happened over a very short time period. Some were a one night stand or an attempted one night stand, but others were far uglier and less “normal”.

When it was a one-off thing and not recent, the man had never done it again and was sure he never would. Many were more than a bit ashamed at what they had done. Most had not told their wife and said they never would because it would hurt her deeply he and might put their marriage in danger.

With that as background, here is what you need to know:

• Not a single one of these men blamed their wife for their sin. Some, but not most, said their sex life was not good when it happened, but that was a statement of fact, not an excuse.
• The vast majority were in a bad place emotionally when the sin occurred. The reasons for that varied, but these men were in deep pain and/or were depressed. This more than anything else is what pulled them over the line into sin.
• Many would like to share what they did with their wife but are terrified of the consequences. Most will take the secret to their grave.

Do these things also apply to more long-term sins like a two-year affair or using porn off and on for a decade? Yes, they do. Probably not as often as is true for more significant and one-time events, but more often than not his sexual sin is not because of his wife and is not about their marriage. I’m not saying it has no effect on the marriage, but for him, it’s not about his marriage or his sex life with his wife.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve told my wife things no one else will ever hear!

* Both Lori and I are mandatory reporters. We’ve only had one thing that triggered that. Some of what I have heard was illegal, but was not against another person and was in the past and not ongoing.

A post worth reading:

Honeycomb & Spice | New Year, New Sex Life ◄ Excellent ideas!

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