When men complain about “not getting enough” sexually I suspect a lot of wives hear far less than is being said. The big issue is what is communicated by being stingy rather than generous about something so intimate and personal.

Think about the things you want/need/expect from your husband. If he is always there for you, you feel loved. If you have to remind him repeatedly to get a fraction of what you want, you don’t feel loved. If this is true with something as mundane as taking out the trash, how much more would it be true for sex?

I realise women don’t say no with this in mind, and it’s certainly not why they say no. But that doesn’t change how it’s perceived. I’ve talked to a number of men married to women with sexual abuse in their past. Most were extremely understanding at first. They understood why sex was difficult for her and they were all about giving her the time to work through it. But if the years passed and things didn’t change or didn’t change much, that understanding faded. The same is true for being busy or stressed or any other valid reason to regularly say no to sex. If a woman doesn’t make the changes necessary to fix things the message is clear – “I don’t care enough about you to deal with this.” 

I think part of the confusion here comes from the fact that most men do a horrible job of communicating what they feel regarding sex. We tend to talk about sex in a very physical way (“I’m horny” or “I need to come” or the ever-popular “I need release”) which makes it sound like the physical is all we care about. One of the things I want you to get from this post is that our culture has taught men to use this kind of language for sex since before puberty. It’s what we know, so it’s what we say. Please see past that to the fact that sex is also intimate, personal, and deeply emotional for him. His inability to express that in a way you can hear doesn’t mean it’s not there.

BTW, if you’re a wife with a higher drive than your husband, this post might help you explain to him why his having more sex is so important to you and to the health of your marriage.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and finding the words to express my sexuality correctly has been a marriage long process.

Can I get your help? The surveys we do on TMB get way more men than women answering. Could you take a few minutes to answer an anonymous survey about Sex Positions? Thanks!

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