In a recent post, I qualified what followed by saying it applied to decent guys, leaving what that meant open-ended. Turns out the way various people define “decent guy” differs vastly.

The first definition I found online says “conforming with generally accepted standards of respectable or moral behavior.” And there’s the problem – whose standards are we talking about? In some groups, the bar is extremely low, and unfortunately, that includes some churches that see women as second rate people on a good day. When decency is culturally determined, if most men beat their wife, a guy who “only” screams at her can be seen as decent. Another factor is that no one wants to be married to a guy who’s not decent. So there is a desire to see one’s husband as decent even if he falls short of that far too often.

Of course, none of us is perfect. We all blow it from time to time, so judging someone on a single event is unfair. In my mind being decent has a lot to do with doing better over time. When you blow it, you feel sad about that and you determine to do better. And that determination is seen through changes over time.

Another indication of being decent is being shocked with yourself when you really blow it. Many years ago Lori and I were having an argument. When she’d had enough she walked out the front door. My response was to hit the nearest wall – putting a hole in it. I was immediately mortified at what I had done. I saw it as a huge red flag and I determined I would never do anything like that again. And more than thirty years later I have not.

If all you knew about me was that one incident, I wouldn’t look like a decent guy. You might even think I was abusive. But if you looked at my life and marriage as a whole you’d see something different. You would see growth. You would see me doing better about loving, caring for, and understanding my wife. I’m not perfect yet, but I’ve come a long way and I continue to work at it.

A guy who never grows past bad behaviour is not a decent guy. A guy who excuses bad behaviour as being what other men do is not a decent guy. A guy who grows at first, but then stops is not a decent guy. A guy who does a lot of nice loving things and some horrible things is not a decent guy.

I realise this is far from a full definition. But I think how we react to our own failings is a solid way of seeing is we are decent or not.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m working hard to be a decent guy!

A post worth reading:

Shaunti Feldhahn | How NOT to Make Things Worse When We’re Angry ◄ Because we all get angry at times.

Image Credit: © Chris Titze Imaging | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.