When I wrote When He Is Different last month, I was well aware that how long it’s been since you had sex could be added to the reasons I gave. But I decided to make that a separate post. However, a couple of guys stole my thunder in the comments. Then a couple of women said the idea that sex matters to him is posted over and over and over on marriage blogs. I certainly do my share of that and I see others who do it even more often.

But if it’s being said so often, why do so many men say their wife is not doing it? Some would suggest the women are selfish and don’t care, but I don’t buy that for the majority of wives and I doubt such women read this blog. I think the problem is the words are being heard, but the heart of the message is not. And that is on the ones speaking the message, not those who hear it.

As I worked on this post, I came across an article that pointed to a study that is relevant here. The post is titled Study suggests that feeling sexually desired by one’s partner is more important for men than we think and when I saw that title I figured it had to be written by a woman. And it is. This comes as no surprise to men or to those who have worked with men regarding sex in marriage.

It’s common for folks to attack a study when they don’t like its results – aka kill the messenger. This study is not perfect, but I’ve seen the full study and it’s not bad. A good effort was made to get a cross-section of adult men in a heterosexual relationship. Not necessarily marriage, but a relationship of more than half a year.

The big takeaway from the study is that the vast majority of the men said feeling desired by their partner was important to their sexual experiences. In fact, most stated it more strongly. While 8% said important, 58% said very important, 20% said extremely important, and 8% used even stronger terms such as “critical,” “paramount,” and “essential.” A few even said they can’t or won’t have sex if they don’t feel their partner desires it. One man said he can’t maintain an erection if he feels she’s not into it.

So what makes a man feel desired? Verbal expressions of desire topped the list, mentioned by 41% of the men. Romantic or non-sexual touch (kissing, hugging, cuddling, grabbing his butt) was stated by 34%. Thirty percent said sexual talk (talking about wanting sex, engaged in “dirty talk,” or sending flirty or sexy texts throughout the day). Sexual initiation did it for 28%. The woman being enthusiastic during sex was listed by 19%. Other less commonly mentioned things included receiving compliments, flirting, and sexually suggestive behaviour (suggestive comments, sexual touches, revealing clothing).

So if you’re a responsive-desire wife, where does this leave you? Please note most of the list above is about when you’re having sex or after or apart from sex. You don’t have to fake anything to do those things. Less than a third of the men mentioned her initiating sex. If initiation is important to your guy, “Can we have sex tonight (or tomorrow morning, or before dinner, or whatever)?” is worth a lot.

💝 High Drive Wife Takeaway: Having a lower drive doesn’t mean feeling desired is unimportant to your husband. If you come across as wanting to use his body to satisfy your sexual desires because you can’t do it with anyone else, he will not feel you desire him. When you feel hard up, it’s easy to be seen this way even if it’s not how you feel. Make sure he knows you want sex with him. Tell him how much you enjoy it and mention something specific he does that you especially like. If you masturbate and he knows it, let him know what he does for you is way better than anything you can do for yourself.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and guys aren’t so different on this one.

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