On Saturday, over on The Generous Husband, I did a post telling men that many women experience pain from sex and some suffer in silence. In the comments, a couple of women suggested that Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs is partly to blame for this because of what he didn’t write in his book.

I don’t agree with this, but I think the issue obscures a much bigger problem and interferes with change. While I will write this about sex because that was the issue that started it, what I am going to say below is the same for the other marriage and sex lies that women hear. That includes “If he beats you, it’s your fault“, “You have to do what he says even if he tells you to sin”, and “He is cheating/using porn because you’re not good enough in bed“.

Eggerichs is nothing more than a scapegoat and blaming him just clouds the issue. I realise anger makes people feel stronger and attacking a big name feels powerful, but this is all smoke and mirrors and it doesn’t change anything. Some will argue that Eggerichs should have said that women should enjoy sex or should never endure pain. I agree, I wish he had said those things. But I don’t think it would change anything because he is not the problem. The problem is those who lied to women. If those folks had not twisted what Eggerichs said, they would have found another author to misquote or twisted the Bible, or just stated the lie without pinning it on anyone.

The problem is the folks who tell the lies! And most of the time that does not come from the pulpit, a book, or a blog. It comes from individuals. When the individual is someone we trust or someone we think we are supposed to follow, those lies are dangerously powerful.

Let me give you a personal example. When Lori and I got married, my mother took Lori aside and said, “You know, you don’t have to do it every day.” No butchered scripture, no reference to a big name, just a little lie whispered in Lori’s ear. Such whispered lies are insidious and destructive.

The solution to these lies is to share the truth. As with the lies, that is best done up close and personal.

Some examples of being the truth. When we had been married six or seven years (and had our sex life working) Lori was at a women’s group at church. A woman there (let’s call her Mary) shared her struggles with sex. The first few years of her marriage she didn’t enjoy sex and found being asked for it all the time annoying. Then she decided to make a real effort. And when she was sharing a couple of years later, she enjoyed sex. She was also enjoying her husband and her marriage far more. What Mary did when she shared that day was more powerful and life-changing than any book, blog, or sermon could ever be.

When we travelled and spoke we met a number of women like this. In one church Lori and Patty, 50ish and 60ish, were openly sex-positive. They went out of their way to tell other women “I enjoy sex and you can too.” Then there was Hillary. We were doing a two-day conference and the women were talking with Lori while I was with the men. Apparently, the topic of oral sex came up, and Hillary proclaimed “I’ll suck that thing any time he wants!” No one was shocked, because it was not the first time they had heard Hillary say something positive about married sex.

Imagine if you’d had a Mary, Lori, Patty, or Hillary in your life when you got married. You would have gone into marriage expecting sex to be great. And if you had problems you might have thought “Hillary loves sex, maybe if I talk to her she can help.”

All of you can do what Hillary does. Share the good about sex with other women, especially soonly and newlywed women. Send them into marriage expecting sex to be great and be open to talking with them if they have issues. BTW, you can do this even if you struggled early on. You could say “When we got married sex hurt and because of what I was taught, I thought that was normal and I was supposed to suffer silently. Had I known then what I know now I would have spoken up and we would have dealt with it so I could enjoy sex.” We are wired to respond to stories, and especially the stories of those we know, so you have a stronger voice than any author when you talk to women who know you.

The truth is marriage and sexual problems are a result of grassroots lies and no book, blog, or preacher is going to change that. But an army of “ordinary people” can change it. The lies are darkness and the truth is light. Darkness does not overpower light; light drives out darkness.

My goal here is to be light. But each of you know many women who will never read this blog, even if you recommend it. But you can be the light for these women.

If you think some book, blog, or ministry is harmful to marriages, by all means share that. But that alone isn’t going to help anyone. Pointing to good recourse is better, but still not enough. When you share the truth, you mortally wound the lies.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and you can be the change!

❤️ #Couple’sQuestion: What do you have in common with your spouse?

A post worth reading:

Hot, Holy & Humorous | What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully? ◄ A great, balanced article on a difficult subject.

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