So I feel I need to say something about headship and submission here. (Yes, I’m crazy. You already knew that, didn’t you?)

Let me start by saying the title is not where I am going. I know folks who think the Bible says that but, having actually read the Bible, I don’t. Furthermore, the image I chose for this post makes me really mad.

Historically the two ways of looking at this are complementarianism and equalitarianism. The first says the husband leads and the wife follows. The second says the couple “submit equally to each other“, a phrase that makes no sense to me linguistically, biblically, or logically.

So clearly I’m a complementarian, right? Well no. You see, I don’t believe much of what that word means to most folks who claim it. Neither do I find what that word means to many folks in the Bible. I think a lot of people call themselves equalitarians because in a false dichotomy, it’s the lesser of two evils. I also think a lot of young husbands are equalitarians because they think the only alternative is abusive.

When push comes to shove, Lori and I call ourselves soft complementarians, a phrase I don’t like at all. I recall a long time close female friend being shocked when we said we fell on the complementation side. She had observed our marriage up close for many years and what she saw looked very similar to her equalitarian marriage.

For me, this comes down to being true to what the Bible says. The Bible is clear that men and women are not the same and that God has some different expectations and jobs for us because of that. However, I don’t see most of what folks on the complementarity side see. For example, I can’t find any prohibition of women holding any position in the church. It’s not there, so I won’t say it is. (And then duck!)

What I do see in the Bible is men being called to headship with their wives and children. Honestly, I don’t see how one gets rid of that without doing harm to the integrity of the Bible. However, having said I see headship commanded, that does not mean I see headship the way many do. Jesus is given as our example and I don’t see Him ever treating us the way some think a man should treat his wife. 

Jesus came as a SERVANT. He came to heal and uplift. Yes, He came to teach, but not to shame, limit, force, or control. For when Jesus walked the earth He was a raging feminist. And Paul was much the same. Both Jesus and Paul rejected and attacked the women-are third-rate-members-of-God’s-kingdom thinking of the time. So if I want to follow Jesus’ lead, I must be a servant to my wife. I must guard her, uplift her, and help her in any way I can. Protect her yes, control her no. 

We no longer live in a world where a woman needs male strength to survive. She doesn’t usually need a man to protect her from the hostile world she lives in or to do the hard work of hunting, building a home, chopping firewood, and so on. I think that men, having lost those valid ways of expressing headship, have found other ways to feel they are being a good head. Ways that are nonbiblical at best and all too often contrary to what the Bible actually says.

I bring all this up for two reasons. First, I want it on the record where I stand. Second, I’d like you to think about the issue. Reject the idea there are only two ways to look at it and try to find God’s truth. As with many things, the truth of God is not found in either of the most common and opposite theologies. So those who choose either one of those misses what God intends.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m not that kind of head!

PS – Just to head it off, if Ephesians 5:21 modifies verses 22-33 (a hermeneutic no-no) then it also modifies the verses about children and slaves.

❤️ #Couple’sQuestion: If you were going to get a tattoo, what would it look like?

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