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Some of you will recognise the title of this post as a modification of something controversial Emerson Eggerich has said. The full quote is “If your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have.”

I have a couple of problems with the word need there, which is why I have changed it to drive. But even that doesn’t fix the statement. To start with, saying a man had a drive women don’t have makes it sound like I’m saying women don’t have a sex drive and that’s just wrong. Both men and women have various things that urge them towards sex. For the vast majority of men, one of those is a physical need for release that starts building after every orgasm. 

I’ve had women tell me they feel the same thing, but most of them do not describe what I feel or what other men describe. I’m not saying no woman feels this. Women who suffer from persistent genital arousal certainly do, but I think it’s rare for women in general.

Regardless of that, this post is for those of you who don’t get physically aroused just because it’s been 24 or 48 hours since you last had an orgasm. Please understand that most men do get aroused for no reason other than the passage of time. They don’t have to look at porn, lust, or think about sex with you for that to happen; it just happens. 

Imagine feeling sexually aroused every day or two regardless of what is going on in your life. If your husband were available and willing it could be fun, but at times it would be annoying. You need to do other things and your body keeps letting you know you’re overdue for sex. After a few days, it interferes with your concentration. What do you do when hubby is unavailable or unwilling? Do you do it yourself just to make it go away? What if your body had been pushing for sex for several days when you do have sex? Going slow would be difficult because of the demand for release.

Of course, your husband needs to deal with these things well, do his best to make sex great for you, and not come across as only caring for sex. But if you understand his reality it will help you empathise with his struggle. It might also make you more willing to help him out when you have no interest in sex and that will make him feel very loved and cared for.

The other thing to understand is that this drive is why most men keep wanting sex even when life is crazy. Most women lose all interest in sex when they reach a certain level of stress, tiredness, or when there is a death or serious illness in the family. When such things happen, men lose most of the other things that push them for sex, but their bodies still demand release every few days. Most men understand their wife won’t be happy about this and hide it and/or deal with it privately. If you understand this reality, you can play don’t ask don’t tell, let him know you are okay with him masturbating or offer him occasional quickies depending on what you can handle.

BTW, this post is not an invitation to attack or debate Emerson Eggerich. From what I’ve read, I doubt Emerson would fully agree with this post, but I don’t know for sure. Regardless, comments about him will disappear. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and sex is more enjoyable when I don’t start out desperate for release.

A post worth reading:

Knowing Her Sexually | Episode 48: How She Sees Your Sex Drive ◄ While this podcast was aimed at men, it does a great job of explaining what I discussed above.

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