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On one of my blogs, a woman recently said:

I have a husband who is too tired for foreplay most nights, so we either have a quickie for his sake or we go weeks without.

That is not acceptable. It’s bad for her and for their marriage, and that makes it bad for him.

I’ve talked about ways to ensure you orgasm in the past and I will do so again. But this is about what is going on between your ears and his ears. A recent study found that both men and women think men “have more of a right” to orgasm when a couple has sex. Many justify this by saying male orgasm is easier. While that is a sad fact of our respective biology, it is neither an excuse nor justification for a woman going without. 

I’m going to bring this up with the men on TGH, but if women say men have a greater right to orgasm, then that’s not on the man. If you feel that way, you’re not pushing for orgasm as much as you should and you’re giving him an excuse to not make sure it happens.

There’s a lot of baggage here. The world has made women’s orgasm less important and the church has at times suggested good Christain women don’t do that or don’t need to do it. I’ve heard plenty of women say they worry it takes them too long – as if that matters. Others have bought into the manipulative lie that if he doesn’t come often enough he’s going to cheat or file for divorce. And, of course, body shame, sexual abuse, and past bad sex all factor into this as well.

Ladies, the Bible is absolutely on your side on this. In Song of Songs, the woman is definitely having orgasms, including most likely from receiving oral sex. In the infamous 1 Cor 7 passage, Paul makes it clear that both the husband and the wife are due good sex. God does not see your orgasm as optional and neither should you.

Some of you find yourself in this mess because early on when neither of you had a clue, you just let it go. Now that’s the norm and trying to change it seems difficult. Or embarrassing. Or a good way to start a fight. You’re stuck in a rut and getting out will take intentionality and effort.

I’d suggest you approach this by putting it on you. Tell him you’re not orgasming when you need to and you have been too embarrassed to speak up. Let him know it’s become a problem and you need his help changing it. Make some suggestions if you have them, but don’t feel you have to know what to do to ask for his help. Get comfortable talking about sex, and specifically orgasms, and work with him to change things.

If you make an effort and feel he’s not, then when he’s done with sex and you’re left unsatisfied I’d suggest saying something like, “I’m going to come now, do you want to be involved?” If he says no, take care of it then and there. Or if you can’t do it with him there, move to the couch to do it. If doing that still doesn’t result in him making changes, you have a problem that goes beyond sex and you need professional help for your marriage ASAP.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I don’t want an orgasm gap in the church!

A post worth reading:

Real Relationship Talk | THE FEMALE ORGASM: GET’N REAL – WITH JULIE SIBERT ◄ A podcast on female orgasm.

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