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We say actions speak louder than words. While there is a great deal of truth in this, sometimes it leads us to the wrong conclusions. As a simple example, if I want to send my wife a loving text but my phone is dead, my lack of action does not reflect my heart’s desire.

When Lori and I first got married, we had a lot of sexual problems. I certainly had my own issues, but the abuse in her past was a big factor. If I had judged her by her by the lack of sex, I would have been angry. But I believed she wanted to make it work. I believed she cared about me and wanted to satisfy me. And I was sure she wanted to be healed and be who God made her to be in every way, including sexually. So I put her heart ahead of her actions. 

As a result of this, I was hurt rather than angry. And I was sympathetic to her struggles rather than just demanding more sex. It was still a difficult situation for both of us, but it was far less damaging than it could have been and that meant it actually got resolved over time.

Where might your husband’s actions not be a true reflection of his heart? Where are circumstances, his sin nature, or past injury keeping him from being the husband he wants to be? And how do you know for sure?

Hearing his heart requires deep communication and admittedly some men don’t do that well. You may need to draw him out a bit. The other thing is watching for growth. If his heart is to do something, he should gradually move in that direction. It may be a stop-start kind of growth and there will be some setbacks, but when you look at months of time you should see change. If there’s no change, either he’s lying about his heart’s intent or he’s unwilling or unable to do what it takes to make that happen. 

One challenge with this is others will only see hubby’s actions and will judge him based on those. If you say he really wants to do whatever, others may feel you are deceived or even abused. Be cautious about what you say and don’t let the doubters speak into your life. Find a good mature friend who will listen and encourage you, but will also be honest if it seems you are not seeing reality.

BTW, saying he wants to stop being abusive is nice, but you still need to get out immediately. Some abusers do change, but it requires professional help.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m glad I listened to Lori’s heart.

A post worth reading:

The Generous Wife | More Than The Minimum ◄ The minimum is okay occasionally, but not as a rule.

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