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This post and the one I will put up on The Generous Husband on Saturday are very similar, with a few changes based on the primary gender of the audience. I’ve shared about this issue a number of times on both blogs over the last dozen years and it’s probably the most important sex-related issue I write about. All of that to say I hope you give this some extra consideration.

The idea of spontaneous vs receptive desire has been around for about two decades. For much of that time, it was mostly discussed in academic circles. The issue is becoming more common in popular media and books, but it’s still not mainstream or widely accepted.

Let’s start with some definitions:

Spontaneous desire starts in your mind and then your body gets aroused. Spontaneous desire is caused by what we see, hear, and think. Your husband sees you half-naked and he gets horny. Or he thinks about the great sex you had last night and he gets horny.

Responsive desire starts out physical and then gets our mind aroused. Responsive desire is usually a result of touch, primarily sexual touch, or a sexual situation.

The majority of men are primarily spontaneous, meaning their mind gets going and drags their body along. Some women are the same way, but the majority are always or usually responsive, meaning their husband does something that gets their body aroused and their mind follows.

If we were all raised to understand this reality, it wouldn’t be a big deal. Unfortunately, most of us were taught the only proper arousal path was spontaneous desire. Men were this way and women who weren’t had a problem. This means a lot of men, and a good many women, have been convinced the solution to their marital sexual frustration was for her to function in a way she was not designed to function. Of course, trying to be something you are not and feel something you don’t is doomed to fail.

In reality, responsive desire works just fine when the couple understands it. Lori has talked to women who rarely or never feel arousal before sex starts who want, have, and greatly enjoy sex and do that often. Because sex is so good, they make time for it and make sure it happens regularly. They know they will enjoy it emotionally, physically, and relationally and that keeps them coming back for more.

One of the big obstacles to all of this is a husband who feels cheated because his wife never initiates sex. Of course, this comes from his wrong understanding based on faulty teaching. But that doesn’t change the fact it hurts him. You can help by asking him to have sex. Try saying “I’d like to be horny, could you help me with that?” or “I’d really like to come, but I will need you to get my body on board.” It’s not exactly what he wants, but it should bless him a good deal. Or just schedule sex. “Can we make love tonight?” will make him feel desired.

The other thing to do is to make sure you thank him for sex both after the deed and at other times. Because of how women are taught this doesn’t always happen in a marriage and I suspect it’s even less common for women with responsive desire. Most men fear their wife isn’t really enjoying sex even if there is clear evidence to the contrary when they have sex. Letting him know he’s a great lover and you appreciate his efforts will go a long way to helping him get over his fear and insecurity.

Finally, I will be doing a follow up called A Theory On Spontaneous & Receptive Desire on The Generous Husband on Sunday. I will link to it from here on Monday.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and wrong teaching can sure mess up a couple’s sex life!

A post worth reading:

Intimacy in Marriage | Wives, THIS Conference Could be a Game Changer in Your Marriage ◄ A great lineup of people and topics!

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